Sunday, April 6, 2014


My last post was about 2 years ago. If I read through my older blogs I'd be so surprised at how I got to the point I am now. I am so not perfect. These verses in Romans 7, make much more sense to me now than they ever have.
"15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."

I've grown up knowing how I should act and behave, and when I was young, it was easy--everyone was doing it. My friends did the right thing, and I did the right thing. It wasn't a struggle or a battle because I was just going along with the positive peer pressure. However, somewhere along the way, the pressure started to feel a whole lot less positive, and a lot more condemning and manipulative. 

If I am being completely honest here, I genuinely want to do the right things and serve God with all my heart. But it is a battle. People around me are not doing the things I was raised to do. I struggle constantly with being an independent, young, college student, who is finally experiencing "freedom" and trying to keep that consistent with my faith. I start to question what is really right and what is really wrong. What do I believe? I know Who I believe and Who my faith is founded in, but the expression of that faith gets pretty blurry to me at times. I feel as though a genuine heart that wants to seek to please God should be enough despite imperfections.But I feel as though that isn't always enough in the Christian social sphere. 

As hard as I try not to be, I am bitter towards church in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, I know more good, forgiving, kind, Christian families than I can count, but at the same time I look at the "friends" I've had in my life that were supposed to be upholding Christian values and I feel so betrayed and taken advantage of. From my experience, its more likely that I'll meet someone who only wants to get to know me out of curiosity and to make themselves feel better about their own weaknesses than it is for me to find anyone I can be completely honest with and know that whatever they say is in my best interest, and they won't leave me at the first sign of struggle. I know people are flawed... and I just have seen enough of it that I am bitter, discouraged, and lonely. I have two people in my life that I can be completely and honestly myself with. Outside of those two people, I feel like I have to pick an extreme. I either have to pretend to be a wild person with little sense of morality and appeal to one crowd, or I have to put on a mask and act like I am put together and "spiritual" to make others feel more comfortable around me. I just really feel like its not right. We are all human and we all struggle. But in the midst of my struggle I want to do good! I want to please God! Its common in church to say "Come as you are." But I feel like often times I can come with my struggle, but I better clean it up awfully quick before someone actually sees me.

Reminds me of some lyrics in the song "Jesus, Jesus" by Noah Gundersen. "Jesus, Jesus, there are those that say they love you, But they have treated me so -- mean. And I know you said 'Forgive them, for they know not what they do,' but sometimes I think they do."

The whole point of this is that I think a lot of time there is a pressure to put on a public spiritual facade, and to me that just doesn't make sense. If Jesus says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, then Christianity should not feel exhausting to the point where I've felt like I need to push away. I sit here, a human that loves God, that loves others, and wants to change the world...but at the same time, I can't act like I am someone that I am not. And there has to be a place for people like me. My heart wants to do good, and sometimes I set out to do the right thing, and I end up failing or not following through. But my heart wants to be there! I don't think that should omit me from the race. I am running just as hard as everyone else...but I just refuse to act like I'm more put together than I am. Unfortunately, that's left me looking like a failure and disappointment. And it kills me sometimes, but it is the truth. And I wish being honest wasn't such a lonely and vulnerable place, but it is. It leaves me isolated. No one else can see my heart and my desires. No one else can see my regrets and my hopes. No one else can truly know what I feel. But I don't want to walk around feeling duplicitous. I need some sort of middle ground for me to walk through. Not to stay in forever, but to walk and sort things out without being rejected. I just wish I had a safe place to be myself, and love who I love and enjoy what I enjoy, and be free and enjoy life. That's all I really want. 

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Nothing but a Vessel

Its been a while since I posted last. Life has definitely been transitioning a lot for me. My last post came when I had recently returned from my YWAM SOMD. Since then I resumed being a full time student with the hopes of becoming a high school english teacher (please do not judge my writing based on this, while working 20 hours a week at an office job, while directing the first year of MVMNT Missions and planning a trip for 18 students to go to Thailand. I also am working on maintaining a relationship, which has successfully lasted 8 months and counting, while also balancing family and friends.

I am busier than I have ever been in my whole life. It is SO hard to be emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically split everywhere. There is ALWAYS something I could be doing--whether it be studying, planning, paper-writing, spending time with my family, friends, or Corey, cleaning my room, sleeping, working, organizing, skyping, making phone calls, etc. I am just exhausted. I'm not even looking for pity. I'm just almost amazed and how different life is than I expected. I mean, I expected being busy to just mean I've got stuff to do, and its fun, because I'm being super efficient and what not. But there are so many different emotional tolls being busy takes that I did not expect.

Returning to school hasn't been so bad-- but all the paper writing and group projects have sucked my time dry. I am mentally exhausted. Having professors whose ideas challenge nearly every bone in my body-- that's been frustrating. Having to handle the brunt of the work in a group assignment because I am stuck in a team who is not well equipped to carry out the enormity of an assignment. AKA doing all the research and writing a 28 page paper on that research nearly all by myself. Papers come late at night and deprive me of sleep often times.

Working in an office has its own challenges. Just many details I am expected to remember and keep track of from week to week. I can't just leave work at the office. My brain is responsible for the inner workings of a company in some capacity and when your brain is fried, things are bound to fall through the cracks at times. Nothing I dislike more than making a mistake that negatively impacts someone or something else. And working 20 hours a week may not sound like a lot, but my life is FULL TIME in just about every other area.

MVMNT Missions has been so incredible. To see my brain, heart, and soul child come to life and to see the impact it is having on student's lives. I am hearing about students who are growing in their understanding of God and of themselves. They're growing in unity, and they're willing to serve and just do what it takes. These kids are so tough, and I am unbelievably proud of them. I cannot wait to see how they do in Thailand. I'm also learning that I am not the best leader that ever existed. I am young and inexperienced. I have heart and I have passion, and a lot of ideas and opinions. But I'm having to learn that I'm not always right, and that it is okay to LEARN and not just act like I know the answers. I am serving along side one of my greatest mentors, Jamie Bates. I mean honestly, could God be even better?! Everything I hope to be someday is working right alongside me teaching how to be a leader and letting me do it! I am blown away by the goodness of God!

However, I'm nervous too! Its one of those things where I have to remember that this dream and this vision of MVMNT Missions that I've had is NOT my dream. It is NOT my vision. It is God's. It only exists because God is his grace, is allowing me to carry out something that makes me passionate. And as much as I want to do everything that is in my power for this program to be successful---my efforts are really nothing. So whether I make a mistake every now and then or if I do it all to the best of my ability, all the success belongs to God. That being said, I am nervous to be in such a significant role over so many students. I do not take it lightly that I am being entrusted with students lives and wellbeing.

Just even as I am writing this I feel as though God is just reminding me that they are His first, then their parents, and I get to be an influence on their lives. And as we go to Thailand, it is not me that offers any protection or stability, it is the Spirit of God in me, and in each of the students. I am only a vessel. Man that is powerful!! I've been so worried about wanting to make an impact on each student emotionally and spiritually... and now I am seeing that I am not doing any of the impacting....I'm just the vessel. I cause nothing, but I carry all. I am just the pipe, and God is the living water flowing through to make the impact. Not the other way around. :]

I'm feeling better already. Ha, So instead of carrying on and on in more of a "woe is me" blog. I am going to just end it here and just be blessed that I am nothing but a vessel.


Sunday, October 23, 2011

She will not fall...

So much for the regular updates, eh?
Life has changed a lot since I wrote my last blog.
I went to Orlando for 3 months, got a boyfriend, and now I have an almost full time office job back in Texas. It is incredible how quickly things change. I feel like my heart is in the process of catching up to my head and body. I am moving and doing and being active, and yet sometimes I feel like my heart is left behind, almost being dragged along by my impulsive nature.

I think I've been in a process of self-discovery. Which I guess you could say life itself is a time of self-discovery. At least for me--I process and analyze and try to figure out why I do the things I do. I try to put myself in a box so I can understand who I really am...and yet sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in a box. As soon as I put myself in a box, I'm scrambling to get out of it. I don't like narrowing down who I am and what I am about. Give me some generalities--and that's good enough for me.

Biggest thing I've had to walk through lately is coming to terms with my identity. Realizing that I need to just embrace being undefined...just to allow myself to BE and not attempt to preform to fit into other people's ideas of who or what I should become. I've wasted a lot of time and effort wanting to be the perfect friend, the perfect leader, the perfect Christian, and perfect daughter. I've wanted to be wanted and desired by everyone. I tried to be a chameleon and fit in with whoever I was with...and I've disappointed myself and others over and over. Turns out not everyone wants me to be the same person. Turns out I can't keep up the charade 24/7. And cramming myself into these boxes, just makes me feel claustrophobic...and I end up frantically trying to escape the box and I end up in a mess. Mistakes left and right. Questionable decisions causing me to constantly feel like I have to explain myself to everyone.

I went to YWAM for my School of Ministry Development, and realized that who I have become is someone wanting to make a change in the world, and yet struggling to get past these fears of rejection, Not wanting to be a disappointment, Hoping I get everyone's stamp of approval, and feeling lost when I don't have it. Now coming back home, I'm feeling lost...I'm feeling unsteady and yet I am holding onto the hope that I know Christ has given me. I am His and His alone. I belong to no one other than Him. I do not care what people throw at me. Sticks and stones, my friends. I have a Father who protects the ones he loves...and it turns out that He really loves me. And the opinions of others need not have a hold on me.

A few months ago, I had this moment with the Lord. One of my top encounters ever. I was outside of my house at YWAM on the phone with Corey...and I just got really emotional. I had to get off the phone and just spend time with the Lord right there on the drive way. I was just overwhelmed. We had a teacher come and he had briefly made a point...and it ended up sticking with me very deeply. He talked about reputation and character.

Reputation-- Who everyone says you are.
Character-- Who God knows you are when no ones looking.

I realized I had been living life attempting to be something great and I had put my reputation over my character. I wanted everyone to think I was something more than I really wanted to be it before God. I was brought to a place of deep deep heartfelt sorrow. I was just weeping. Literally on my knees just bawling...right on my driveway. I was saying "God I am so sorry. I am not a woman of noble character. I've valued the opinions of others more than I've valued yours. Please Please help me." I very clearly heard God speak a couple things to me in that moment.
1. He told me that I've asked him to help me do better and I've asked him to forgive me when I do wrong, but I've never asked him to change me. To make me totally new. ---I spent time then just asking God to change my heart.
2. I heard him say "A woman of noble character who can find? I have found you." I told him...No, no God...I'm not that woman. I want to be so desperately, but I am not who you think I am. Then he told me "Character is found on your knees. You are learning to submit to me. Humble yourself before me and I will lift you up. Character is not something you are born with, it is something you develop--you are in the developing process."

Can I tell you that it does something to you to hear God speak? To be at your lowest low and to hear God tell you that you are being made into something beautiful?
I'm still in this process. I am learning, ever so painfully, my need to submit to my Almighty God. Even writing this blog is stirring my heart to be in a reverent love and awe of my Creator. I don't need to look and be the same way I used to be. I don't need to fit into a mold...I can rest and be at peace knowing that my God loves me, and he is creating something new in my spirit. Ripping apart deep rooted bondage that's held my back for much of my teenage/adult life.

I am about living life to the full. I don't care to sit back and watch others live their lives, nor do I want to live the life others tell me to live! So I am standing confidently (though with fear and trepidation) saying that my life is about more than measuring up to a standard other than the one God has set before me, and I will not settle for life that is content just fitting in and getting by.

"Therefore we will not fear,
though the earth give way...
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day."
-Psalm 46

Friday, June 10, 2011

Its More than Just Salvation

Living the good life and staying away from the bad shouldn't be the driving force of your life. Life itself is a journey of ups and downs. There are times that circumstances take you to a negative place, where you are completely out of control. There are times that consequences of bad decisions take you to another negative place, and there are times that life just gets overwhelming. Sometimes there is no reason to back up the way you feel, but you just feel down. Or the same could be said the other way. Sometimes it just seems like the world is on your side, and everything goes right. You're having endless opportunity or that your hard work is paying off, or that you're getting by without facing immediate consequences to your bad decisions. Either way, there are times that life seems good, and times that it seems bad... but its really all a matter of perspective.
There is always good present. You can choose to disregard it, or ignore it, but good is always there. Sometimes its easy to take it upon yourself to be at a zen place in your life. Where the good and the bad somewhat cancel each other out, or when the good slightly overshadows the bad...but life isn't meant to be lived in a place with zero conflict.

Conflict happens. You can choose to avoid it, and stay stagnant, unchanged, unfulfilled, and somewhat emotionless, or you can take it as an opportunity to learn, grow, mature, and appreciate the moments where conflict is removed. I think I've gone through some seasons of my life where everything is so good...that any one bad thing just really throws me off. I get all bent out of shape when any type of conflict invades my little bubble. Someone wrongs you, or disagrees with you, or you can't afford to do all the things you want to do, and for me...its easy for me to get real down on myself because of those things.
But God has just been showing me that its not about living a life free from tension. LIFE is LIFE. And its not about me doing all the right things to stay a "zen" state of mind. I love this quote from Galatians 5 in the Message

"But what happens if we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance for life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

I love it, because it puts plainly what a life lead by the Spirit will bring you in a very practical day to day sense. And note it says that HE brings these gifts. Serenity and excitement for life are gifts that God gives us. This passage just really says everything I want my life to be about. man...a willingness to stick with things? Can you imagine how different the world would be if everyone would just stick with their marriages? Honestly, a whole family bringing forth whole individuals. There would be a lot less pain in the world if people would choose to live the life God has for them. Its not all about rules...its about LOVE.

To fall in love with Jesus. I used to think I would never be at a place where I was truly dependent on God. I thought I would always have to strive to love him more. That I would never actually desire him and it would just always be a fight...or a burden. I don't know where the change took place...but it did. Apart from Jesus I am nothing. I don't know who I am, I don't know my purpose or my calling. If Jesus weren't a part of my life would be 100% different. I am serious. The friends I choose, the places I invest my time, my money, my attention. The qualities I look for in a future spouse, my aspirations for the next several years. The way I view myself...if I didn't know Jesus, none of that would be the same. I wouldn't be fulfilled. It just really burdens me for the people out there that don't know Jesus. Jesus CHANGED whatever my life could have been without him, to something incredible. Its not just about salvation in eternity...its about salvation in LIFE!

Life is so crazy...without the promise of God to bring peace and serenity...there is no peace. Wow, think about it? There is no PEACE outside of God. The world will offer things to escape, numb, or disguise pain in this life...but Jesus offers a way of life that bring peace into every situation.

I am just so thankful and blessed that Jesus is active in my life...its beyond he IN YOUR LIFE. Active...TODAY? If he's not...I would encourage you to never give up...and keep at it...because once you find something worth living and dying can't be content without it.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Great Adventure.

I haven't written in about a month, and I don't know why. I think about writing a lot, but I sit down at my computer and I lack motivation or I lack one solid topic to talk on. Not that any of my ramblings have much consistent train of thought to them. I just wanted to share about what God is doing in my life.
I feel like I am getting caught up in a great adventure, a epic romantic novel full of life and love and excitement.

Coming home from DTS, I was expecting it to be a challenge, I knew I would go through some form of depression from missing all my YWAM friends, and that I would have to readjust to life back here, but I had no expectation that I would have such a time of refreshment and vision for my life and my future. I feel like I learned a lot about myself in my DTS. My character and convictions were tested on many levels. I wouldn't say I passed with flying colors, but I DO know that God has brought me to a new level with Him. I've come to recognize that He alone can sustain me. My efforts tend to fail me. But God showed me that He hasn't asked for my efforts--he asked for my heart. So simple and yet so complicated. But what a refreshing change of perspective it is. I don't walk around hoping that my actions and striving will get me anywhere. I don't hope that maybe if I'm good enough, and go long enough without sinning that God will give me a stronger revelation than he would if I just kept on with normal life. I've learned to stop striving. But in no way does that mean I have stopped my pursuit to live a holy life and to seek the face of God. But now when I seek God, I stand in awe and reverence of who He is, knowing that I am absolutely nothing, and he is everything. He has chosen me to live and enjoy life with a purpose, but my efforts aren't anything to him. What delights him, is when I give him praise and honor. So I choose to give him praise and honor by the way I worship Him and the way I live. Now I'm not perfect, but a moment doesn't go by where I'm trying to think of what I can get away with. I look at my life and my decisions and think "God, does this give you glory? What more can I do to show you I love you?"

I'm not trying to write this to make myself seem super spiritual, or that I have all the answers. But the transformation in my life astounds me. I cannot get over what God has done in my life. The way I view everything has changed. I am so much happier, so much more satisfied, and content, but hungry for more of God, now that I have stopped making it all about me. I look at my life, and I think "God, you're so real I cannot even contain it." So coming home, has been an unveiling process for me. God showing me all the work He did in my life during my DTS.

I am doing a School of Ministry Development (SOMD) starting on June 20th, back in Orlando. The whole process of me choosing whether to do SOMD in summer or fall was a much more complicated process than it would seem. But it just proves that God works all things together for good. (Praise the Lord) But after deciding to do Summer, God has confirmed over and over again exactly why that is.

Here is a little piece of my heart: I love youth, I love their fire, their zeal, their unrelenting enthusiasm and drive. I love their reckless and impulsive tendencies and the way they fight for what they want. I believe that youth have such explosive personalities, because God wants to focus their attention on the surrounding culture and make an IMPACT for Christ. I love missions. I love traveling the world and telling people who have never even heard that Jesus loved them that He exists and desires a relationship with them. I love evangelism and service and adventure. I believe youth and missions go side by side. Joining hands, you can see what an impact that combination would make. I believe that training and discipleship is key for youth to be ultimately effective. My heart is to see youth come to know Christ on a deep and intimate level themselves and in turn pour it out into this culture and the world around us to create more disciples. Its a cycle. Save the lost, disciple the saved, and send out disciples to save the lost. :]

Sounds a lot like YWAM...BUT I haven't really been totally sold on going on staff with least not right away. I feel like there is something more. Back home, the MVMNT is just ridiculous. I am seeing some of the most fired up youth I have ever been around. Our numbers grow each week, kids are getting healed, saved, and delivered. The anointing on this ministry is HUGE. God's hand is at work. So my heart starts beating fast and I can I get THESE youth in missions?

ENTER Jamie Bates. One of the most godly women I have ever met, who shares with me a vision for youth and missions. Kindred spirits for sure. A passing comment about eventually leading a mission trip together, and some serious prayer has birthed such vision in me and Jamie both. It was kind of life a huge door just opened and major arrows were pointing at the door saying DO THIS!!!!!!!!! <3 GOD!

So now....MVMNT Missions will be starting January following my SOMD which will be training me on how to be an effective minister, and how to develop my own personal ministry, which God has so kindly lined right up for me to come home to! MVMNT Students meeting once a week for 20 weeks being trained and discipled to be missionaries while doing local outreaches all along followed by a month long outreach to really live in a culture and make an impact. I don't want to get too specific right now, while we're still in the developing process, but God's hand is on this.

I'll be going away for 6months to be trained to be a better leader and more effective minister and I'll spend about 2 of those months overseas. Then I'll come home for the holidays, start school at the local college and work while training a group of students for 5months on how to be an effective missionary followed by a month overseas and who knows what else. The opportunities for expansion on this ministry is huge. I feel like our framework is SO solid, and God wants to expand it even larger than we could anticipate.

OH GOD, BROADEN MY PERSPECTIVE SO I CAN CAPACITATE YOUR CALL! Its too much already...and I'm only 20 years old. I can only imagine what the rest of my life will be. :D

Hmmm...this is nothing like what I was expecting to write. I'll just throw in the idea I was thinking about though. With every major change and excitement in life, there are bound to be critics and people who don't understand or don't agree. I'm in the process of learning that sometimes you just gotta live out what you're saying you're going to do, or people aren't going to believe in you. This goes for several areas in my life. I can't expect people to automatically trust my words, so all I can do is live them out. And that is exactly what I intend to do.

Love you all,

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sovereignty vs. Intimacy

Just a few thoughts have been on my mind lately. I’m reading A.W. Tozer’s book “The Knowledge of the Holy” and it has been challenging me since the moment I started it. I love being uncomfortable about what I believe…it makes me want to know more

But on a slightly separate note, I think about Easter…Good Friday. First let me explain to you my view on that. I feel like this Easter means so much more to me. For whatever reason, the cross feels real to me. Maybe its because I feel like I actually know the man that died for me. Let me put this in perspective. I think of someone like my dad. Some people don’t have good feelings when they think of their fathers, but I do. I think…what if my brothers and I really messed up. We did something really wrong and as a result my Dad had to suffer on a cross right in front of us. That rips me up. Seriously, think about that. Dwell on the thought for minute before you continue reading. Let it sink in. Someone who did nothing to deserve the punishment, yet did it willingly out of his love for me…for you. And to think that Jesus is even more perfect than my dad, loves me even more, and sacrificed even more. He gave it all FOR ME.

In Hebrews 12:2 it says “ Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” My grandma and I were talking about this verse. “the joy set before him” what was the joy? I don’t think it was just the fact that he was returning to the father….I think it was the fact that he knew how many lives would be saved through his act of obedience. He had great anguish going into the crucifixion…but he did it knowing that his loss would be our gain. I think of all the missions trips I ‘ve been on, times when I’ve sacrificed money, or comfort to see others come to know the love of Jesus…and done it with great joy…and how that is NOTHING in comparison to the sacrifice of Jesus…but the joy was that much more. To think of the millions that have been snatched out of the hands of Hell. Jesus made my life worth something. Apart from him, my life has no meaning. He is the only good that is in me. I love being used to spread His name.

In a synopsis, those have been my significant thoughts regarding Easter….but back to my talk about Tozer. I think sometimes its easy to forget how far above us, God is. He is worthy of our worship. I think of how often our faith becomes about US. We want to worship God so we can feel His presence. We want our ministry to be as effective as possible, because we want to make a difference. Sometimes we do something wrong and we feel like we can’t go back into God’s presence right away because we are unworthy, or we’re not feeling it that day….but since when has worship had to do with YOU? We worship God, not because we feel like it…but because he is 100% worthy of every bit of honor we can bestow him. He doesn’t need to give us a thing. We don’t need to feel his presence. But we need to honor him because he is GOD. Not because of what he has or hasn’t done for us. And what an honor it is that God humbles himself to our level and draws us into himself. We are nothing in comparison to everything he IS. Its almost embarrassing to think that God listens to me whine all the time. Yet he loves it! He wants to hear my thoughts. He is so far above me and knows so much more than I can even comprehend, and yet he cares enough to see my thoughts.

How often do we feel like God has to prove something to us? Today I’ve been wrestling with the idea of faith. Is faith blind acceptance of what the Bible says is true? Does it show a lack of faith to question concepts? My grandma read me something from Oswald Chambers that talks about how often we expect those moments of inspiration that we receive from God to be the norm. How we expect that God will tell us exactly what we should do for every decision. How faith is believing even when we don’t hear anything. A commitment that is not dependent on consciousness of God’s active presence in our lives. This kind of makes me question. I believe that God speaks to man. I believe anyone can hear the active living word of God, and we can be conscious of his presence at all times. But why do some seem so content WAITING to know more about God. Trusting that eventually they will understand his nature, and know his thoughts….while some are in a constant pursuit to know NOW. Is one wrong? Is faith a marathon or a high dive? Is it both? What is right faith? I think there is significance in both. I think those that believe without seeing, without knowing, and without needing proof are rewarded. Think of Hebrews 11, and all those listed there. But then I think of the men in Acts who stepped out in faith on a regular basis. Both had faith…but Acts seems more instantaneous than the Old Testament. Did things change when Jesus came?

Where is the balance of knowing that God is absolutely sovereign and worthy of all our praise without any NEED to interact with us, and that desire to know God intimately and tangibly on a day to day basis? Both seem to be right…yet it almost seems like belief in one negates the other. But who am I to know?

I will keep seeking and questioning. I will dig until I find and I will sell all I have to buy that pearl of great price. I want to believe what is right. My heart longs to know more. If my longing is wrong, I will find what I must do. Almost seems like seeking is a lack of faith…but I feel like once I find what I’m looking for, I’ll stick with it…and try to find something else. :] Hmm…just thoughts that go through my head.

I’d love to hear some feedback. What do you wrestle with?

Monday, April 11, 2011

A Choice to Get Lost. (Poem)

Where do passion and emotion blur the lines?
Reverence, boldness, and ambition not yet refined.
To stand at the alter and lift up your arms
If your hearts not engaged, it does nothing but harm
Callous, dry, overused, and typical
"I can cry and dance, but feel nothing reciprocal.
The God of Heaven alive in my chest?
Why don't I feel it, if I'm DOING my best?"
The actions, the words, the law and expectation
The anguish of desiring but feeling limitation
Is your heart not engaged or do you just not know how?
Do you stick to repetition or question to stand or bow?
I have a word for both of you
Its not that you're wrong, but I question your view
You lift up your hands while texting your friends
Are you feeling the Holy Spirit when you're pressing send?
Why go through the motions if your hearts not involved?
Why be content with mediocre when your world can be revolved?
You lift up your voice and dance with all your might,
But you're tired and frustrated that your worship isn't right.
You sang this song last time, and you felt the Presence
But by merely going through the motions you're missing the ESSENCE
You desire a heart that desires God
But you're either content maintaining your fraud
or you're constantly striving, but never enough
Faking you've got it, so no one calls your bluff
You don't have it together and you're afraid or you don't care
I challenge you to break down your facades and lay your heart out bare
If you lack the desire and lack the will
Ask God who gives generously to all, and that void will be filled
If you lack the knowledge, just stuck in the emotional draw
Know its all about your heart, and stop following the LAW
The Law kills but the spirit gives LIFE
With freedom like a dagger, piercing strongholds like a knife
Your best efforts combined with apathy yield a wall
But at the cross, Jesus died once and for all.
Walls are broken, and chains are loosed
Your heart and passion with Jesus now fuzed
Nothing separates you from the Love at the cross
So lay your actions aside and go ahead and get lost
To be lost in His Presence, undone by His grace
To be overwhelmed by joy, and broken by just a taste
How great is this God that we serve up on high
How can you walk around broken and unsatisfied?
Do you even know what is at your disposal?
Relationship with Jesus, His eternal proposal
Emotion will come when you've received His grace
Yet one does not determine the other, neither does time nor place
Just get lost in the Lord and let yourself Know Him
The farther you go, the more your walls will dim
To stand, sit, jump, or bow isn't whats at stake
Its about the choice to be in awe, a choice you must make
So make the choice.
You're not a victim to your circumstance, you have a voice.
Let the grace overtake you and shatter your heart
And know that the choice is ONLY the first part.