So I'm at the airport waiting for my flight home to Dallas for Christmas. Gate 17, to be exact. I'm sitting here with all my stuff, but I'm completely alone. Yeah, there are other passengers around...but its not the same, we all know it. How many times are we just alone in a crowd of people.
I'm reflecting back on the fact that Lecture Phase...the first 3 months of my Discipleship Training Program, is complete. I've heard so many awesome teachings in regards to hearing God's voice, forgiveness, God's character, lordship, maturing in Christ, and much more. But the most awesome thing about DTS is that it is a Live/Learn environment. You hear the teaching, but it means nothing til you apply it to your life. That's why Paul says its not those that hear the law that are obedient, but those who have the law written on their hearts.
Probably the number one life lesson I've learned in DTS...and by learned, I mean taught and applied, is that its about your HEART. Its not about the Do's and Don'ts. Legalism isn't just "all R-rated movies are bad," Legalism is thinking that by doing A, B, and C, you are fulfilling your religious obligation. Legalism lacks relationship. I never thought of myself as legalistic...but I was so wrong. I looked at everyone as having an expectation of me...and I just had to fulfill my duty as a Christian, as a leader, as a friend, as a daughter...and then I was good. I lacked the heart. Now I see that its ALL about your heart.
Out of the wellspring of your heart, the mouth speaks. Its all about the yearning and motivation. God isn't about a check list in forming a relationship with you. God speaks actively. He doesn't just withhold himself from you because you haven't read your Bible that day. My mind has just expanded so much on God's character. Honestly. When bad stuff in life happens, you can ALWAYS go back to God's character and find the truth in the situation.
I'm broken hearted to leave some of these dear friends of mine. Some of them I'll see when I go to South Africa, but most of them are going to either Jordan or India, and I won't see them until March when I return from outreach. You spend all day every day with these people. Even my friends I have had for years haven't spent that much time with me. Oh the lessons I've learned from living with people, and having to look at the person behind the action. Yes, the dishes were left dirty in the sink all night, but the person was exhausted and sick. You learn to apply grace where it is needed.
Coming out of this part of DTS, I am so at peace about who I am in Christ. I'm slightly overwhelmed by the enormity of my calling in life, but I'm learning to take it one step at a time, led by the voice of God. I'm learning its really okay to not have a 5 year plan, or even a year out. Its okay to just be lead by the spirit in life. So many wrong views of myself and of God and others were corrected during this time. I feel like I really couldn't go out and do the work with AIDS patients and orphans in South Africa if I hadn't been through this first part. The training develops me as a person. I'm being filled up so I can pour out. Giving out of the overflow.
Yes, I do feel called to full time overseas missions. I don't know the steps to take to get there yet, but I'm fully trusting God on this one. He knows exactly where I should be, and he's faithful to speak. DTS is just good for life. Whether or not you plan on going on the mission field, I recommend it. You learn who God is, and how to live out a life worthy of the gospel. To LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL. That's my biggest desire coming out of this. God, let me live life to the full.
Honestly, this period of time in my life has been MONUMENTAL in my development as a person, as a leader, as a Christian, and as a missionary. Thank you so much for supporting me in this. Honestly, its been the biggest blessing to have so many people back me in prayer and finances for this whole thing.
I pray, my life would be testimony enough of the change God has done in my heart.
I love you all very much.
I'm looking forward to seeing Dallas in a couple hours :]
<3 Rachel Olson.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
God holds me to my word.
Sometimes the most important lessons you will ever learn happen through pain and sacrifice. Right now I feel more humbled than I ever have in my entire life. I've gone through extreme emotional highs and lows during this DTS. I've felt blessed beyond measure, and excited about the potential of my future, and at my absolute worst crying over every simple comment.
Through this all, God has shown me that its easy for me to turn to other people to be my rock and my safeplace. To feel confused and to ask someone with wisdom, rather than just ask God himself. I believed God could comfort me and give me peace, but I would rather have a tangible presence solve all the problems in the world. God has shown me that it is okay to just cry in his presence. To be real with him and let him know that I'm mad, or I'm upset, or I feel helpless and hopeless...but I can still be obedient in the midst of my frustration. If I tell God what I think--he can correct my views and really solve the problem. He's the one with all the answers.
My heart feels like I have nothing left in me. I've learned that true humility requires sacrifice. The laying down of "rights" and desires in order that God may be glorified. God's best can't be the best unless its done God's way...in his timing.
I realize I try to control God. I try to control others based on what my feelings are. I can't control everything. When things are outside of my control I get angry, I feel depressed, I get so frustrated and I work myself up. I can't change people's opinions just because I can justify things in my own mind. All I can really do is trust God to show himself strong through people and circumstances. I can't just make stuff happen. I have to prove it. I have to be diligent and stand by my word and my convictions. What good am I if I can't be obedient. God just really showed me that I've never really done something I just didn't want to do without being forced to do it.
Think about it--how many times have you really gone against your own will and flesh? I'm sitting here just praying to God that my own will hasn't been all wrong. That I haven't been ignoring the voice of God about this whole thing. Yes, I know I've missed the mark--but you keep on going. You trust in God to speak to you despite your will being pulled apart. Its funny that in my first week of DTS, I asked God to break my will...but never until now have I really felt it just fall to pieces.
The cards are on the table.
God is good. He holds me to my word. He tests my submission, obedience, willingness, and pride because He wants me to grow closer to him...
So I just gotta learn to fall into his arms instead of pull away.
-Rachel Olson
Through this all, God has shown me that its easy for me to turn to other people to be my rock and my safeplace. To feel confused and to ask someone with wisdom, rather than just ask God himself. I believed God could comfort me and give me peace, but I would rather have a tangible presence solve all the problems in the world. God has shown me that it is okay to just cry in his presence. To be real with him and let him know that I'm mad, or I'm upset, or I feel helpless and hopeless...but I can still be obedient in the midst of my frustration. If I tell God what I think--he can correct my views and really solve the problem. He's the one with all the answers.
My heart feels like I have nothing left in me. I've learned that true humility requires sacrifice. The laying down of "rights" and desires in order that God may be glorified. God's best can't be the best unless its done God's way...in his timing.
I realize I try to control God. I try to control others based on what my feelings are. I can't control everything. When things are outside of my control I get angry, I feel depressed, I get so frustrated and I work myself up. I can't change people's opinions just because I can justify things in my own mind. All I can really do is trust God to show himself strong through people and circumstances. I can't just make stuff happen. I have to prove it. I have to be diligent and stand by my word and my convictions. What good am I if I can't be obedient. God just really showed me that I've never really done something I just didn't want to do without being forced to do it.
Think about it--how many times have you really gone against your own will and flesh? I'm sitting here just praying to God that my own will hasn't been all wrong. That I haven't been ignoring the voice of God about this whole thing. Yes, I know I've missed the mark--but you keep on going. You trust in God to speak to you despite your will being pulled apart. Its funny that in my first week of DTS, I asked God to break my will...but never until now have I really felt it just fall to pieces.
The cards are on the table.
God is good. He holds me to my word. He tests my submission, obedience, willingness, and pride because He wants me to grow closer to him...
So I just gotta learn to fall into his arms instead of pull away.
-Rachel Olson
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Take Time
Wow, guys. I am so sorry that I have not kept up better with blogging. My internet on my computer stopped working--so it has been hard to find time to really post. So much is going on in my heart and in my spirit--that Its almost overwhelming to think about WHAT to say.
I've come to know God's character on a much deeper level. Its amazing how wrongly you can view life when you don't view God correctly.
I've learned that God loves me enough to want me to make choices. He delights in seeing me make wise decisions. He designed me to lead and make decisions--to trail blaze and perservere.
I've learned that sometimes sticking to your guns about something takes sacrifice and tears. There will be those who do not understand, or do not agree with what you have to say. Think of all the times when Paul was thrown in jail, or stoned on behalf of the gospel. I feel as though God wants to use me in a radical way--just like he was using Paul. To spread the gospel, and build up believers.
I am so excited to be in my calling. I have had so many strong words spoken over me that just confirm what God has already been speaking to me. I've been learning that I've changed so much. The way I view people, relationships, and the lost is just totally changed. For the better. I've learned that life on my own is scary...and that I desperately need God. To live a life of faith--of total dependance on Christ, takes daily...even hourly submission to Christ. To lay down my rights and pick up my cross. Its not just a fun idea, or even something that most Christians follow.
I've found that often time, we as Christians, try to appease ourselves by adapting the gospel to fit our personal agendas. We ask God for forgiveness more often than we ask for permission. Does anyone else see how backwards that is? Why do so many Christians view God only for his judgment...or over emphasize his grace? God doesn't just want to be your disciplinarian.. he wants to be your friend, father, and lover. An odd sounding combination. God wants to know you SO intimately. He wants to know how you feel...he wants to know what you think..and what you would like to do with your life. He wants you to talk to him...and not just TALK...but LISTEN.
Do you wonder why its so hard for you to sit down and have a quiet time? Does it feel like you're working so hard to hear something...but not getting anything? Do you ever take time in total silence? Ask God "What do you want to say to me?" ...or "What do you want to teach me through this difficult circumstance?" GUYS ITS SO AWESOME. For God to really speak to you on a consistent basis. You don't have to wait for someone to pray for you, or for you to have an awesome time at camp when someone gets a cool word for you. God wants to speak to you. He isn't looking for you to DO something to hear his voice...he desires desperately to speak to you. Its like...if your friend had something cool to tell you and they called you...but you didn't answer the phone...and then you got all frustrated because you didn't hear from your friend...so you keep calling them back at the same time they're calling you...and sometimes you just gotta wait a minute...so their call can get through.
I just want to encourage each of you to really take time to hear God speak to you.
I'm really excited because I'm going to South Africa AND Botswana now. I'll be leaving in January. SO EXCITED. I'll be back in Dallas in 3 weeks exactly. I'm so excited. I cannot wait to see everyone. To sleep in my bed, and hold my puppy. I <3 Cassie!!! mmmm
I love it all.
I love you all, and I'm so sorry I haven't been as good about posting blogs.
God is working in me...and I'm so thankful that I'm here!
I encourage all of you to do a DTS at somepoint!
<3 Rachel
I've come to know God's character on a much deeper level. Its amazing how wrongly you can view life when you don't view God correctly.
I've learned that God loves me enough to want me to make choices. He delights in seeing me make wise decisions. He designed me to lead and make decisions--to trail blaze and perservere.
I've learned that sometimes sticking to your guns about something takes sacrifice and tears. There will be those who do not understand, or do not agree with what you have to say. Think of all the times when Paul was thrown in jail, or stoned on behalf of the gospel. I feel as though God wants to use me in a radical way--just like he was using Paul. To spread the gospel, and build up believers.
I am so excited to be in my calling. I have had so many strong words spoken over me that just confirm what God has already been speaking to me. I've been learning that I've changed so much. The way I view people, relationships, and the lost is just totally changed. For the better. I've learned that life on my own is scary...and that I desperately need God. To live a life of faith--of total dependance on Christ, takes daily...even hourly submission to Christ. To lay down my rights and pick up my cross. Its not just a fun idea, or even something that most Christians follow.
I've found that often time, we as Christians, try to appease ourselves by adapting the gospel to fit our personal agendas. We ask God for forgiveness more often than we ask for permission. Does anyone else see how backwards that is? Why do so many Christians view God only for his judgment...or over emphasize his grace? God doesn't just want to be your disciplinarian.. he wants to be your friend, father, and lover. An odd sounding combination. God wants to know you SO intimately. He wants to know how you feel...he wants to know what you think..and what you would like to do with your life. He wants you to talk to him...and not just TALK...but LISTEN.
Do you wonder why its so hard for you to sit down and have a quiet time? Does it feel like you're working so hard to hear something...but not getting anything? Do you ever take time in total silence? Ask God "What do you want to say to me?" ...or "What do you want to teach me through this difficult circumstance?" GUYS ITS SO AWESOME. For God to really speak to you on a consistent basis. You don't have to wait for someone to pray for you, or for you to have an awesome time at camp when someone gets a cool word for you. God wants to speak to you. He isn't looking for you to DO something to hear his voice...he desires desperately to speak to you. Its like...if your friend had something cool to tell you and they called you...but you didn't answer the phone...and then you got all frustrated because you didn't hear from your friend...so you keep calling them back at the same time they're calling you...and sometimes you just gotta wait a minute...so their call can get through.
I just want to encourage each of you to really take time to hear God speak to you.
I'm really excited because I'm going to South Africa AND Botswana now. I'll be leaving in January. SO EXCITED. I'll be back in Dallas in 3 weeks exactly. I'm so excited. I cannot wait to see everyone. To sleep in my bed, and hold my puppy. I <3 Cassie!!! mmmm
I love it all.
I love you all, and I'm so sorry I haven't been as good about posting blogs.
God is working in me...and I'm so thankful that I'm here!
I encourage all of you to do a DTS at somepoint!
<3 Rachel
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
2010.
So rather than just tell you a repeat of the teaching from this last week, I'm going to tell you what God is speaking to me!
First of all, I love reading the Bible. We're reading through the New Testament--right now I'm in Luke--but seriously I keep coming across random verses that make me super curious. I want to know exactly what God meant what he said all this stuff! Random things I've never thought of before and random questions that pop in my head during the teachings that make me think.
I've never been this inquisitive about the Bible. I want to research all this stuff. I might even spend some time doing that this weekend.
Here is a list of examples. I won't dig into them--but feel free to look into them yourself and let me know your thoughts :]
Matthew 5:17
--So, if Jesus distinctly said the old law doesn't disappear just because He came, what does that mean for the modern day church? Tattoos etc.
Matthew 6:24
--Can you only be fully dependent on one? God alone or Money alone?
Matthew 10:29
--Do we have to totally die to our humanity to be in God's Will? Was our humanity completely corrupted when sin entered the world?
Matthew 17:11
--Was John the Baptist Elijah incarnate? Or was he just a New Testament symbol of Elijah?
Matthew 19:28
--Jesus said 12 thrones for 12 disciples in Heaven, but what about Judas?
Matthew 27:52
--It says after Jesus rose again, the tombs broke open and the dead were raised, after resurrection went to holy city and appeared to people. Is this talking about those that had died a while back--like Moses? And did they reveal their identities? Is the Holy City Jerusalem or Heaven? I don't get it!
Mark 1:34
--Why wouldn't Jesus let the demons reveal his diety?
Mark 3:29
--What does it mean to blaspheme the Holy Spirit? **I got this one answered. Ask if you're curious**
Mark 6:4
--Are most modern day churches like another Nazareth? Rejecting the prophets without any honor?
Mark 8:2
--When Jesus fed the 5000, it says the people didn't eat for 3 days just sitting listening to him--Why did Jesus wait THREE days to feed them?
Mark 14:51
--Who is the young man fleeing naked?
Luke 2:26
--Simeon had been promised by the Holy Spirit that he would see the Messiah before he died, and he did. How did he experience the Holy Spirit before Pentacost?
Luke 3:16
--Why baptized with FIRE?
Luke 6:30
--Give to anyone who asks you. Are Christians supposed to be a doormat? Service= Doormat?
Luke 7:35
--Wisdom is proved right by her children. What does this mean?
Luke 9:27
--When Jesus says they would "not taste death" does this mean they'd go directly to heaven from life, or what?
Luke 11:23
--Jesus says he who is not for you is against you. Does that contradict Mark 9:40
Luke 11:51
--What does it mean that his generation is held responsible for the death of the prophets?
Does God give you faith for salvation? Are faith and belief synonymous? Why aren't all saved if they've been given the faith to believe? What does that say about predestination?
Luke 12:47
--Does this verse support abuse in slavery?
Luke 13:4
--Is there any record of 18 people dying when a tower fell in Siloam?
Luke 13:6-9
--What does the parable about the fig tree mean?
Luke 13:24
--"Many will try to enter but cannot" Is this because they didn't know Jesus?
When Jesus was alive--and Jews died without knowing or believing He was the Messiah--did they go straight to Hell? Or only after the crucifixion? Or was there an age of accountability after Jesus came?
Luke 14:15-24
--What does it mean in this parable that those the king invited rejected him and he turned to others instead?
What does it mean that David was a man after God's own heart?
If incest was one of the reasons God made the Flood...did incest happen again after the flood to repopulate the earth? Or were the sons all married prior to the flood?
If that's not overwhelming enough for you-- God is actually speaking some things to me too--beyond just questions!
I'm getting answers and conviction too :]
One, I'm really starting to feel a burden about missions. I know God has called me to missions--but now I'm really starting to develop a heart for those people. The people that have not ever heard about Jesus. I'm at a point that if I decided to anything else with my life other than go on the mission field--I would feel like I missed it.
In all honesty, I feel like if you're not on the mission field as a missionary--your job is to go to college to earn money to fund missionaries in order to fulfill the Great Commission. For a long time I viewed the Great Commission as a collective assignment. I thought as long as people were out there--then it was being fulfilled. But no! Its a very personal and individual call. YOU ARE CALLED TO MISSIONS. If you're not going overseas--you better be doing your absolute best to reach those in your school, your job, and your neighborhood. YOU ARE CALLED.
Yesterday, we had a teacher say something about how it usually takes a year to really develop intimacy with God. I was reminded of how I told God I was giving him 2010. How this year was going to be different...and I felt like God told me "THIS IS YOUR YEAR" I'm almost overwhelmed. Its towards the end of October....I made this commitment on January 1st--and God has been faithful. I've learned so much about His character and who He is. By the end of this year, I will have been on youth staff and completed the lecture phase of DTS. In January I'll be going on outreach.
So 2010 has been like a learning/training time. and after this I'll be going on to a totally new stage of life. Literally a new decade, and the end of my teen years. God picked such a SYMBOLIC time for me to be doing this! I love it. All these monumental occasions happening to remind me that I will never be the same again.
I can't.
I know God has called me to this.
I am looking forward to doing schools after this and then continuing into whatever God has for me.
In all honesty--I am so blessed to have such encouraging people in my life, and I would love to talk to anyone about what is going on, and what God is doing.
Skype, email, phone call--whatever!
I love this, and I am excited to go to South Africa in January--and wherever God calls me to after that!
If at any point you feel a desire to bless me financially--I just figured out you can pay online! I had no idea before this!
It's www.ywamorlando.org/pay
I love you all!
--Rachel
First of all, I love reading the Bible. We're reading through the New Testament--right now I'm in Luke--but seriously I keep coming across random verses that make me super curious. I want to know exactly what God meant what he said all this stuff! Random things I've never thought of before and random questions that pop in my head during the teachings that make me think.
I've never been this inquisitive about the Bible. I want to research all this stuff. I might even spend some time doing that this weekend.
Here is a list of examples. I won't dig into them--but feel free to look into them yourself and let me know your thoughts :]
Matthew 5:17
--So, if Jesus distinctly said the old law doesn't disappear just because He came, what does that mean for the modern day church? Tattoos etc.
Matthew 6:24
--Can you only be fully dependent on one? God alone or Money alone?
Matthew 10:29
--Do we have to totally die to our humanity to be in God's Will? Was our humanity completely corrupted when sin entered the world?
Matthew 17:11
--Was John the Baptist Elijah incarnate? Or was he just a New Testament symbol of Elijah?
Matthew 19:28
--Jesus said 12 thrones for 12 disciples in Heaven, but what about Judas?
Matthew 27:52
--It says after Jesus rose again, the tombs broke open and the dead were raised, after resurrection went to holy city and appeared to people. Is this talking about those that had died a while back--like Moses? And did they reveal their identities? Is the Holy City Jerusalem or Heaven? I don't get it!
Mark 1:34
--Why wouldn't Jesus let the demons reveal his diety?
Mark 3:29
--What does it mean to blaspheme the Holy Spirit? **I got this one answered. Ask if you're curious**
Mark 6:4
--Are most modern day churches like another Nazareth? Rejecting the prophets without any honor?
Mark 8:2
--When Jesus fed the 5000, it says the people didn't eat for 3 days just sitting listening to him--Why did Jesus wait THREE days to feed them?
Mark 14:51
--Who is the young man fleeing naked?
Luke 2:26
--Simeon had been promised by the Holy Spirit that he would see the Messiah before he died, and he did. How did he experience the Holy Spirit before Pentacost?
Luke 3:16
--Why baptized with FIRE?
Luke 6:30
--Give to anyone who asks you. Are Christians supposed to be a doormat? Service= Doormat?
Luke 7:35
--Wisdom is proved right by her children. What does this mean?
Luke 9:27
--When Jesus says they would "not taste death" does this mean they'd go directly to heaven from life, or what?
Luke 11:23
--Jesus says he who is not for you is against you. Does that contradict Mark 9:40
Luke 11:51
--What does it mean that his generation is held responsible for the death of the prophets?
Does God give you faith for salvation? Are faith and belief synonymous? Why aren't all saved if they've been given the faith to believe? What does that say about predestination?
Luke 12:47
--Does this verse support abuse in slavery?
Luke 13:4
--Is there any record of 18 people dying when a tower fell in Siloam?
Luke 13:6-9
--What does the parable about the fig tree mean?
Luke 13:24
--"Many will try to enter but cannot" Is this because they didn't know Jesus?
When Jesus was alive--and Jews died without knowing or believing He was the Messiah--did they go straight to Hell? Or only after the crucifixion? Or was there an age of accountability after Jesus came?
Luke 14:15-24
--What does it mean in this parable that those the king invited rejected him and he turned to others instead?
What does it mean that David was a man after God's own heart?
If incest was one of the reasons God made the Flood...did incest happen again after the flood to repopulate the earth? Or were the sons all married prior to the flood?
If that's not overwhelming enough for you-- God is actually speaking some things to me too--beyond just questions!
I'm getting answers and conviction too :]
One, I'm really starting to feel a burden about missions. I know God has called me to missions--but now I'm really starting to develop a heart for those people. The people that have not ever heard about Jesus. I'm at a point that if I decided to anything else with my life other than go on the mission field--I would feel like I missed it.
In all honesty, I feel like if you're not on the mission field as a missionary--your job is to go to college to earn money to fund missionaries in order to fulfill the Great Commission. For a long time I viewed the Great Commission as a collective assignment. I thought as long as people were out there--then it was being fulfilled. But no! Its a very personal and individual call. YOU ARE CALLED TO MISSIONS. If you're not going overseas--you better be doing your absolute best to reach those in your school, your job, and your neighborhood. YOU ARE CALLED.
Yesterday, we had a teacher say something about how it usually takes a year to really develop intimacy with God. I was reminded of how I told God I was giving him 2010. How this year was going to be different...and I felt like God told me "THIS IS YOUR YEAR" I'm almost overwhelmed. Its towards the end of October....I made this commitment on January 1st--and God has been faithful. I've learned so much about His character and who He is. By the end of this year, I will have been on youth staff and completed the lecture phase of DTS. In January I'll be going on outreach.
So 2010 has been like a learning/training time. and after this I'll be going on to a totally new stage of life. Literally a new decade, and the end of my teen years. God picked such a SYMBOLIC time for me to be doing this! I love it. All these monumental occasions happening to remind me that I will never be the same again.
I can't.
I know God has called me to this.
I am looking forward to doing schools after this and then continuing into whatever God has for me.
In all honesty--I am so blessed to have such encouraging people in my life, and I would love to talk to anyone about what is going on, and what God is doing.
Skype, email, phone call--whatever!
I love this, and I am excited to go to South Africa in January--and wherever God calls me to after that!
If at any point you feel a desire to bless me financially--I just figured out you can pay online! I had no idea before this!
It's www.ywamorlando.org/pay
I love you all!
--Rachel
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Forgiveness and Mercy
HELLOOO!
Sorry, I haven't written for a while! I'll try to catch you up to date.
This past week, Michael Berg, spoke on Biblical Restoration--basically that means we went over what the Bible says about being restored from sin, past guilt and shame, and forgiveness. We talked about the Father Heart of God--and what that means. I realized a couple things about myself--I realized that I have a problem with knowing God as a comforter. I don't let people comfort me, because I view it as pity--which makes sense with why compassion has been a difficult concept for me to get.
On Thursday, we had a day where we got in our small groups and we went around and we prayed outloud and forgave people for specific offenses. I'm not going to lie, when I say that it was life changing. I went into it sort of wary. I didn't know what it would look like--I felt weird basically confessing all my junk to a bunch of girls I barely know...but I think God works with an obedient spirit. I literally confessed everything I could possibly confess--I had to forgive myself for a bunch of stuff, and everyone else that had done something against me in the past. It was so hard bringing up old stuff i hadn't brought up in a while. At the end of it I just have felt almost depressed and confused.
Its like all the things I used to define myself by--mistakes, misconceptions...all of it is exposed and out in the open. Satan can't plague my secrets if I don't have any secrets. I've been here thinking--who am I? I've been feeling so broken down and vulnerable--and its hard, I'm not going to lie. But it is so so good. I've been having to ask God to redefine who I'm supposed to be. To be who I was created to be.
I feel like God is creating a place here for me--and I'm so excited about that. But,I'm just so curious to see what God has for me while I'm here. Its only 3 weeks in, and I feel like I have a totally different view of myself.
Its getting to the point where I'm really having to exercise patience...and mercy...and grace. Haha. I'm sure this doesn't surprise anyone--BUT living in the same room with 7 girls is a challenge. 11 total in my house--til November, then there will be more. Just the combination of everyone's little bitty messes--dishes, bags, laundry, toiletries--it all adds up! haha But I've been feeling convicted to have a better attitude...sooooo I always appreciate prayers! haha
I love you all, and I cannot even express how grateful I am have that you have invested in my life in order to equip me to do the Lord's work.
I encourage everyone to do a DTS, whether or not they feel called to missions. It is life changing and it equips you to live a life clean before God. It teaches you how to live a consistent holy lifestyle--and its so important!
Do it people!
Love you all, please feel free to ask questions if you have any!
God Bless!
--Rachel
Sorry, I haven't written for a while! I'll try to catch you up to date.
This past week, Michael Berg, spoke on Biblical Restoration--basically that means we went over what the Bible says about being restored from sin, past guilt and shame, and forgiveness. We talked about the Father Heart of God--and what that means. I realized a couple things about myself--I realized that I have a problem with knowing God as a comforter. I don't let people comfort me, because I view it as pity--which makes sense with why compassion has been a difficult concept for me to get.
On Thursday, we had a day where we got in our small groups and we went around and we prayed outloud and forgave people for specific offenses. I'm not going to lie, when I say that it was life changing. I went into it sort of wary. I didn't know what it would look like--I felt weird basically confessing all my junk to a bunch of girls I barely know...but I think God works with an obedient spirit. I literally confessed everything I could possibly confess--I had to forgive myself for a bunch of stuff, and everyone else that had done something against me in the past. It was so hard bringing up old stuff i hadn't brought up in a while. At the end of it I just have felt almost depressed and confused.
Its like all the things I used to define myself by--mistakes, misconceptions...all of it is exposed and out in the open. Satan can't plague my secrets if I don't have any secrets. I've been here thinking--who am I? I've been feeling so broken down and vulnerable--and its hard, I'm not going to lie. But it is so so good. I've been having to ask God to redefine who I'm supposed to be. To be who I was created to be.
I feel like God is creating a place here for me--and I'm so excited about that. But,I'm just so curious to see what God has for me while I'm here. Its only 3 weeks in, and I feel like I have a totally different view of myself.
Its getting to the point where I'm really having to exercise patience...and mercy...and grace. Haha. I'm sure this doesn't surprise anyone--BUT living in the same room with 7 girls is a challenge. 11 total in my house--til November, then there will be more. Just the combination of everyone's little bitty messes--dishes, bags, laundry, toiletries--it all adds up! haha But I've been feeling convicted to have a better attitude...sooooo I always appreciate prayers! haha
I love you all, and I cannot even express how grateful I am have that you have invested in my life in order to equip me to do the Lord's work.
I encourage everyone to do a DTS, whether or not they feel called to missions. It is life changing and it equips you to live a life clean before God. It teaches you how to live a consistent holy lifestyle--and its so important!
Do it people!
Love you all, please feel free to ask questions if you have any!
God Bless!
--Rachel
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Burden
Tonight, was almost overwhelming. I'll talk about it all almost in reverse order, just so whatever is most recent to me comes first.
Tonight we had an extra meeting for the Compassion Justice DTS. John Bills was speaking about HIV and AIDS...which I will be working directly with in South Africa. He started by telling us not to pity people and to have hearts of compassion. An empathy that stirs an action response to stop the injustice.
After he said that I sort of shared that the reason I signed up for the CJDTS was because I am not a naturally compassionate person and when I see someone crying I automatically want to find a way to make them stop crying than to comfort them and help them through it. As John was speaking, God just broke me.
He talked about the AIDS epidemic and how little help was going to aid these people in comparision to the natural disasters that kill even less people. For example. 150,000 people died in the tsunami. 150,000 die in Africa each month...and what is being done for them?
We watched a video clip of a man who had been raised Christian, and then while he was in college, he had turned to homosexual relationships and contracted AIDS. He was in the hospital and a pastor came and visited him, and this man came back to Christ and realized the error of his ways. He was talking about how he wished sexual purity had been more valued in our culture...and how he had viewed God as a God that has grace for you and forgives no matter what you do, but he realized that there are consequences for your actions on earth...and now he was dying of AIDS--a natural consequence. And it said that the next day, after this man gave his testimony--he died.
The video ended and I was so moved. Ezra, my team leader, came up and had us pray for whatever God was leading us to pray for. I literally couldn't even pray aloud. I had tears running down my cheeks...overflowing. I was trying to contain sobbing. I was still crying whenever we were closing. I couldn't even talk for a while afterward.
God is so full of mercy for his children. A man, who had walked away from Christ was brought back, and God took him home. Now he has a new body, a new life, and he is free from the guilt and condemnation of his sin. I was just overwhelmed by how much God loves his children. I was sitting there just wanting to sob because I was so sorry. So sorry for being so selfish all the time. For not even thinking or praying for the people dying around the world.
Before I came on my DTS, I had been telling God--God I am not burdened for your people as much as I should be. Stir in me! And God told me..."Wait for the burden"
And I didn't know what that meant...and maybe I still don't, but honestly....I am so burdened for these people. I still want to break down sobbing. This is something that would keep me up at night.
How good is God that he knows me.
I won't go all into the other stuff as much. But we had a small group time...and we all shared our testimonies. I told my story, and afterwards I broke down. I unveiled a lot of stuff I hadn't spoken about in a while. A lot of areas where I still felt hurt and broken.
God has brought so much healing to me, and taught me so much...but there is just so much to learn.
God is speaking to me so much and even more clearly. I'm so hungry for Him.
I can't exist apart from Him.
Pray for just a release of God's word on me. I am so overwhelmed by God and His goodness and His desire to speak to me.
I encourage everyone to do a DTS. Its like going to school to learn how to hear God's voice, to have breakthrough in your life, etc. Its like what you hear in church--applied and lived out everyday...with people all around you available to answer your questions. I want to live in this place.
And who knows--God may be able to work that out :]
Taste and See that the Lord is Good.
<3 You All
-Rachel
Tonight we had an extra meeting for the Compassion Justice DTS. John Bills was speaking about HIV and AIDS...which I will be working directly with in South Africa. He started by telling us not to pity people and to have hearts of compassion. An empathy that stirs an action response to stop the injustice.
After he said that I sort of shared that the reason I signed up for the CJDTS was because I am not a naturally compassionate person and when I see someone crying I automatically want to find a way to make them stop crying than to comfort them and help them through it. As John was speaking, God just broke me.
He talked about the AIDS epidemic and how little help was going to aid these people in comparision to the natural disasters that kill even less people. For example. 150,000 people died in the tsunami. 150,000 die in Africa each month...and what is being done for them?
We watched a video clip of a man who had been raised Christian, and then while he was in college, he had turned to homosexual relationships and contracted AIDS. He was in the hospital and a pastor came and visited him, and this man came back to Christ and realized the error of his ways. He was talking about how he wished sexual purity had been more valued in our culture...and how he had viewed God as a God that has grace for you and forgives no matter what you do, but he realized that there are consequences for your actions on earth...and now he was dying of AIDS--a natural consequence. And it said that the next day, after this man gave his testimony--he died.
The video ended and I was so moved. Ezra, my team leader, came up and had us pray for whatever God was leading us to pray for. I literally couldn't even pray aloud. I had tears running down my cheeks...overflowing. I was trying to contain sobbing. I was still crying whenever we were closing. I couldn't even talk for a while afterward.
God is so full of mercy for his children. A man, who had walked away from Christ was brought back, and God took him home. Now he has a new body, a new life, and he is free from the guilt and condemnation of his sin. I was just overwhelmed by how much God loves his children. I was sitting there just wanting to sob because I was so sorry. So sorry for being so selfish all the time. For not even thinking or praying for the people dying around the world.
Before I came on my DTS, I had been telling God--God I am not burdened for your people as much as I should be. Stir in me! And God told me..."Wait for the burden"
And I didn't know what that meant...and maybe I still don't, but honestly....I am so burdened for these people. I still want to break down sobbing. This is something that would keep me up at night.
How good is God that he knows me.
I won't go all into the other stuff as much. But we had a small group time...and we all shared our testimonies. I told my story, and afterwards I broke down. I unveiled a lot of stuff I hadn't spoken about in a while. A lot of areas where I still felt hurt and broken.
God has brought so much healing to me, and taught me so much...but there is just so much to learn.
God is speaking to me so much and even more clearly. I'm so hungry for Him.
I can't exist apart from Him.
Pray for just a release of God's word on me. I am so overwhelmed by God and His goodness and His desire to speak to me.
I encourage everyone to do a DTS. Its like going to school to learn how to hear God's voice, to have breakthrough in your life, etc. Its like what you hear in church--applied and lived out everyday...with people all around you available to answer your questions. I want to live in this place.
And who knows--God may be able to work that out :]
Taste and See that the Lord is Good.
<3 You All
-Rachel
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Last Night
So last night was an interesting night. All day we went through orientation and learned about what we would be doing, and I am so pumped up to give it my all and get the most out of this experience. This is why I am here, so there is absolutely no point to slack off and not get my work done. No reason to be distracted!
But after orientation they picked us all up to go to CiCis, because we needed to be out of the church facilities. It was pouring rain and the we all loaded in the bus and ate a bunch. I was kind of feeling like a loner, bc I didn't really have anyone to sit with and I just was feeling all down on myself. Then we went to watch a move (Little Giants) at a church nearby...and I was just tired and I thought I'd rather just lay down on a pew than talk to people...so I sort of did that, and I was texting Laura and Daniel about how I was feeling totally overshadowed and upstaged...and honestly, they both just encouraged me a lot. I just needed to be myself and not be so concerned about the fact that I'm not the center of attention.
So after the movie (which ended prematurely, bc the disc was messed up) I decided to make sure no one else was feeling lonely...and therefore I wouldn't be lonely (advice of Laura Johnson)...and I just started feeling better haha...I realized I need to get over myself, and realize no, I'm not the only person here worth getting to know--and I need to make myself friendly.
So I got back to my dorm and I got on my laptop and I started talking with a couple people living in other houses...just trying to introduce myself with people and make things more comfortable. I heard Stephanie--our house leader--in the kitchen, and I hadn't talked to her much yet, so I thought I would make myself visible and become part of the conversation. So I sat down at the table and I got to hear other girls in the house open up a lot about some of their struggles and eventually the conversation turned to all 6 of us roomies acknowledging that we were placed in this house at this time for a very specific reason and we needed to tap into whatever God had planned for us. We all decided it would be a good idea to pray with each other each night before we go to sleep. So everyone shared a burden they were carrying from back home--whether about friends or family members...and we all joined in agreement and prayed for each other.
We decided to war together for each other's burdens and have faith that God is going to be moving in the spirit realm to contend for us.
I am so excited to see what God does in each of us, and in the lives of our family and friends back home.
So it is just incredible to think that God goes before us and prepares a place for us--even when we are not aware of it.
So I'm ready for whatever. I want something crazy.
Bring it.
Rachel
But after orientation they picked us all up to go to CiCis, because we needed to be out of the church facilities. It was pouring rain and the we all loaded in the bus and ate a bunch. I was kind of feeling like a loner, bc I didn't really have anyone to sit with and I just was feeling all down on myself. Then we went to watch a move (Little Giants) at a church nearby...and I was just tired and I thought I'd rather just lay down on a pew than talk to people...so I sort of did that, and I was texting Laura and Daniel about how I was feeling totally overshadowed and upstaged...and honestly, they both just encouraged me a lot. I just needed to be myself and not be so concerned about the fact that I'm not the center of attention.
So after the movie (which ended prematurely, bc the disc was messed up) I decided to make sure no one else was feeling lonely...and therefore I wouldn't be lonely (advice of Laura Johnson)...and I just started feeling better haha...I realized I need to get over myself, and realize no, I'm not the only person here worth getting to know--and I need to make myself friendly.
So I got back to my dorm and I got on my laptop and I started talking with a couple people living in other houses...just trying to introduce myself with people and make things more comfortable. I heard Stephanie--our house leader--in the kitchen, and I hadn't talked to her much yet, so I thought I would make myself visible and become part of the conversation. So I sat down at the table and I got to hear other girls in the house open up a lot about some of their struggles and eventually the conversation turned to all 6 of us roomies acknowledging that we were placed in this house at this time for a very specific reason and we needed to tap into whatever God had planned for us. We all decided it would be a good idea to pray with each other each night before we go to sleep. So everyone shared a burden they were carrying from back home--whether about friends or family members...and we all joined in agreement and prayed for each other.
We decided to war together for each other's burdens and have faith that God is going to be moving in the spirit realm to contend for us.
I am so excited to see what God does in each of us, and in the lives of our family and friends back home.
So it is just incredible to think that God goes before us and prepares a place for us--even when we are not aware of it.
So I'm ready for whatever. I want something crazy.
Bring it.
Rachel
Thursday, September 23, 2010
First Day
So I'm here. I got to the YWAM base and it was kind of overwhelming just because I didn't know many people...and there were people EVERYWHERE.
My parents took me over to my house, affectionately named K1, and I discovered I have 5 other roommates in my room and 4 others in addition to that. AHHH
Oh well, I have a pretty spacious house and everyone seems pretty cool
But I went back to the YWAM base after my parents helped move into my house.
I went through registration and got a lot of little stuff taken care of.
I think I'll get along with everyone, but I am looking forward to everyone really KNOWING each other.
A lot of the girls in the house already know each other, so I'll really have to try to get to know people.
I'm the outsider in the room--but I'm not too worried :]
Here is what my year is going to look like!
There are about 20 of us in the CJDTS.
We'll be reading Is That Really You God, The Shack, Adventure Series, and Red Letters.
As far as teaching goes I have
John Bills- Hearing the Voice of God
Michael Berg- Biblical Restoration
Ezra Griffiths- Lordship
Mary Sliter- The Seven Mighty Nations
Al McBryan- Nature & Character of God
Steve Sizemore- Intimacy with God
Dean Sherman- Relationships and Spiritual Warfare
Bob Felder- Evangelism
Steve Shamblin- Maturing in Christ
David Stabler- Inductive Bible Study
I'm pretty tired.
I promise I'll post more once more stuff gets going!
xoxox
SHOUT OUT TO JESSICA BURK!!! (and her child within)
My parents took me over to my house, affectionately named K1, and I discovered I have 5 other roommates in my room and 4 others in addition to that. AHHH
Oh well, I have a pretty spacious house and everyone seems pretty cool
But I went back to the YWAM base after my parents helped move into my house.
I went through registration and got a lot of little stuff taken care of.
I think I'll get along with everyone, but I am looking forward to everyone really KNOWING each other.
A lot of the girls in the house already know each other, so I'll really have to try to get to know people.
I'm the outsider in the room--but I'm not too worried :]
Here is what my year is going to look like!
There are about 20 of us in the CJDTS.
We'll be reading Is That Really You God, The Shack, Adventure Series, and Red Letters.
As far as teaching goes I have
John Bills- Hearing the Voice of God
Michael Berg- Biblical Restoration
Ezra Griffiths- Lordship
Mary Sliter- The Seven Mighty Nations
Al McBryan- Nature & Character of God
Steve Sizemore- Intimacy with God
Dean Sherman- Relationships and Spiritual Warfare
Bob Felder- Evangelism
Steve Shamblin- Maturing in Christ
David Stabler- Inductive Bible Study
I'm pretty tired.
I promise I'll post more once more stuff gets going!
xoxox
SHOUT OUT TO JESSICA BURK!!! (and her child within)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tomorrow.
I've looked over my blog from the very beginning sometimes and I am amazed at how far I've come since I started this. My very first post was dark and depressing. I was a soul looking for answers with my eyes closed. I just had lost hope, and I was desperate. I was debating what I should do with my life and I felt an enormous amount of pressure to have my life all figured out. I didn't know whether I should go to a university, stay at community college, or do a YWAM DTS.
Now almost a year later, I'm about to start my YWAM DTS. I'm not going into this as a means of mending my brokenness, running away from my life, or even a position for me to buy time for my future. I'm going into this confident in who I am, and who God has created me to be. My desire is to see God make me even MORE whole than I feel like I am. The awesome thing about my walk with God is the fact that He is constantly changing me and stretching my faith. I never get to a point where I'm just WHOLE and complete in myself--I need God to intervene with who I am and who I am becoming. I need his constant guidance.
This will be an opportunity for me to get away and focus entirely on my walk with God. To be obedient to Him with no distractions. What can hold me back in this situation? My school, friends, or work? NO! This is IT. I'm so ready.
I'm also freaking out :] Its easy for me to appear purely excited on the outside, but the thought of being out of my ZONE intimidates me. I feel like I'm more intimidated than I am nervous. I am used to being established as leadership at the mvmnt. I know my Move Group girls love me, and I know my family loves me, and I know I have people that support me, believe in me, and just GET me. I am starting totally over with a whole new group of friends!
Honestly, I'm more worried about how I'm going to act towards people than I am about how people will act towards me! Is a terrible side of my personality going to come out because I have 5 other roommates in one room?! Am I going to be annoying, or shy, or awkward? I have many different facets to my personality--and I don't know who I'm going to be. Which is the weirdest feeling ever. I'm scared I'm going to be the awkward kid that makes jokes that no one laughs at, or has an awkward laugh, or doesn't smile, or just gets nauseous all the time because I'm nervous. Seriously!! I feel like I'm starting highschool at a brand new school in a brand new culture.
Probably this post is just a glorified version of what I'm feeling, because my DTS starts tomorrow morning and I'm trying to get out all my legitimate concerns!!
Maybe this will help my mind. This is what I want out of my DTS.
1. I want to know God's heart for people. I want to understand his compassion for those who are desperate, and for those who may try to mask it.
2. I want to burn with a constant desire for God and his Kingdom
3. I want to learn how to be a friend.
4. I want to see myself become stronger willed in areas where I need it, and more submissive in other areas.
5. I want to get a clear picture of what the next few years of my life will look like.
Thats the plan.
I will update OFTEN. I'll let you know how my fears and concerns all play out.
I love you all.
I miss you!
(Shout out toooooooo : Mom, Dad, Josh, Joe, Jon, Cassie, Amanda, Robyn, McKenzie, Kelsey, Hannah, Catherine, Leslie, Laura, Daniel, David, Layne, Jamie, Dustin, Brittany, Perla, AND the rest of the mvmnt staff)
Now almost a year later, I'm about to start my YWAM DTS. I'm not going into this as a means of mending my brokenness, running away from my life, or even a position for me to buy time for my future. I'm going into this confident in who I am, and who God has created me to be. My desire is to see God make me even MORE whole than I feel like I am. The awesome thing about my walk with God is the fact that He is constantly changing me and stretching my faith. I never get to a point where I'm just WHOLE and complete in myself--I need God to intervene with who I am and who I am becoming. I need his constant guidance.
This will be an opportunity for me to get away and focus entirely on my walk with God. To be obedient to Him with no distractions. What can hold me back in this situation? My school, friends, or work? NO! This is IT. I'm so ready.
I'm also freaking out :] Its easy for me to appear purely excited on the outside, but the thought of being out of my ZONE intimidates me. I feel like I'm more intimidated than I am nervous. I am used to being established as leadership at the mvmnt. I know my Move Group girls love me, and I know my family loves me, and I know I have people that support me, believe in me, and just GET me. I am starting totally over with a whole new group of friends!
Honestly, I'm more worried about how I'm going to act towards people than I am about how people will act towards me! Is a terrible side of my personality going to come out because I have 5 other roommates in one room?! Am I going to be annoying, or shy, or awkward? I have many different facets to my personality--and I don't know who I'm going to be. Which is the weirdest feeling ever. I'm scared I'm going to be the awkward kid that makes jokes that no one laughs at, or has an awkward laugh, or doesn't smile, or just gets nauseous all the time because I'm nervous. Seriously!! I feel like I'm starting highschool at a brand new school in a brand new culture.
Probably this post is just a glorified version of what I'm feeling, because my DTS starts tomorrow morning and I'm trying to get out all my legitimate concerns!!
Maybe this will help my mind. This is what I want out of my DTS.
1. I want to know God's heart for people. I want to understand his compassion for those who are desperate, and for those who may try to mask it.
2. I want to burn with a constant desire for God and his Kingdom
3. I want to learn how to be a friend.
4. I want to see myself become stronger willed in areas where I need it, and more submissive in other areas.
5. I want to get a clear picture of what the next few years of my life will look like.
Thats the plan.
I will update OFTEN. I'll let you know how my fears and concerns all play out.
I love you all.
I miss you!
(Shout out toooooooo : Mom, Dad, Josh, Joe, Jon, Cassie, Amanda, Robyn, McKenzie, Kelsey, Hannah, Catherine, Leslie, Laura, Daniel, David, Layne, Jamie, Dustin, Brittany, Perla, AND the rest of the mvmnt staff)
Monday, September 20, 2010
Here We Go
I am starting my adventure going to YWAM Orlando tomorrow morning around 8am. I am excited and ready to go, yet at the same time extremely sad.
More excited than sad, but I've definitely had my moments of breaking down.
I just want to thank all of you who bought t-shirts, who sent checks, who encouraged me, and gave me good recommendations. I am so excited to do this--this has been my goal for so long, and I want to embrace every moment.
Please pray for me while I am gone, and feel free to check this and comment often! I will be regularly updating it once it gets going.
Love You All
so so so so much
<3 Rachel
More excited than sad, but I've definitely had my moments of breaking down.
I just want to thank all of you who bought t-shirts, who sent checks, who encouraged me, and gave me good recommendations. I am so excited to do this--this has been my goal for so long, and I want to embrace every moment.
Please pray for me while I am gone, and feel free to check this and comment often! I will be regularly updating it once it gets going.
Love You All
so so so so much
<3 Rachel
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I've been meaning to write a new post for a while, just about life and happy things and and all the cool things God is doing--but instead I'll write what I need to.
Once again, I'm laying in my bed unable to sleep because I have thoughts running through my mind and tears streaming down my cheeks.
Death.
I hate it.
This past Monday, I found out an old co-worker, and friend, passed away from a head injury. He was 22 years old, and his name was Derek Riley. I hadn't been close to him for a while, but I remember all these funny stories with him. We would have stupid relay races where we would try on the biggest pair of shoes we could find and run around the store...and time it to see who could do it the fastest. It was just funny and it made my first job fun. I saw about a month ago at a going-away party...and while there was some room for people to be concerned about some decisions he was making...he was getting his life together. He had gotten promoted, and life was looking good. Then all the sudden...he's gone.
I have such a deep sorrow in my chest everytime someone dies. And I am getting so sick and tired of people dying. Losing people, or people I love losing people they love. Friends have lost parents, siblings, roommates...and I have been laying in my bed thinking about some of these deaths.
Last September, I lost another co-worker, Will Thompson. Will was probably the first person who died that just shocked me and rattled my world. He was either 23 or 24 and he was in a car accident while the roads were flooding. I had talked with him a week before, and I had regularly worked with him before that. He was the first person I met when I started at Brio--and I had a variety of memories with him. But I remember sayings he would say, and how he would make me laugh. It was probably the first time I had ever really had to face the concept of someone being there...and then not being there. How can someone not exist anymore?
Back when I was in middle school, a good friend of my brother's died at the age of 17, Tyler Davis. I remember seeing him around, but when I saw how shattered my brothers were about it, I was heart broken.
When I was in elementary school, my cousin Stephenie died when she was 20 after coming home from a year long mission trip. I was too young to really understand that loss, but seeing my aunt and uncle respond to such a tragedy, I learned how to cope better with loss. I was able to gain strength from seeing such a God-given strength in them.
And everytime I think of someone dying I think of my Grandpa John. He died of being sick and old--and I guess that is an expected thing. I just loved my Grandpa so much. Whenever someone dies, I just imagine Grandpa sitting up there in his rocking chair looking down on me telling me, it'll be okay--that its not so bad up there. I always think about him and if he would be proud of me, and what he would say about my life and decisions I made. I can't wait to see him again.
Its just different. I can look at some deaths and see strength and the love that people showed in horrible circumstances. and then others I just see tragedy.
It changes my perspective on a lot of things. I feel like Satan really wants to literally kill us, and take away all purpose we have at life. So everytime I see someone die like that...I think "He won." and then I have to remember that Jesus defeated death, and that we have that power in us. We have the power to fight against the death the devil is trying to condemn us to.
It makes me so desperate to share the truth of Jesus, because I can't just sit by and watch my friends die in uncertainty.
This is scattered, and not well thought out--and the tears are making me tired and nauseous--so I'm going to sleep.
But its hard to put on a normal happy face, when you have such a tragedy effecting your heart.
love and blessings,
jesus gives me hope
-Rachel
Once again, I'm laying in my bed unable to sleep because I have thoughts running through my mind and tears streaming down my cheeks.
Death.
I hate it.
This past Monday, I found out an old co-worker, and friend, passed away from a head injury. He was 22 years old, and his name was Derek Riley. I hadn't been close to him for a while, but I remember all these funny stories with him. We would have stupid relay races where we would try on the biggest pair of shoes we could find and run around the store...and time it to see who could do it the fastest. It was just funny and it made my first job fun. I saw about a month ago at a going-away party...and while there was some room for people to be concerned about some decisions he was making...he was getting his life together. He had gotten promoted, and life was looking good. Then all the sudden...he's gone.
I have such a deep sorrow in my chest everytime someone dies. And I am getting so sick and tired of people dying. Losing people, or people I love losing people they love. Friends have lost parents, siblings, roommates...and I have been laying in my bed thinking about some of these deaths.
Last September, I lost another co-worker, Will Thompson. Will was probably the first person who died that just shocked me and rattled my world. He was either 23 or 24 and he was in a car accident while the roads were flooding. I had talked with him a week before, and I had regularly worked with him before that. He was the first person I met when I started at Brio--and I had a variety of memories with him. But I remember sayings he would say, and how he would make me laugh. It was probably the first time I had ever really had to face the concept of someone being there...and then not being there. How can someone not exist anymore?
Back when I was in middle school, a good friend of my brother's died at the age of 17, Tyler Davis. I remember seeing him around, but when I saw how shattered my brothers were about it, I was heart broken.
When I was in elementary school, my cousin Stephenie died when she was 20 after coming home from a year long mission trip. I was too young to really understand that loss, but seeing my aunt and uncle respond to such a tragedy, I learned how to cope better with loss. I was able to gain strength from seeing such a God-given strength in them.
And everytime I think of someone dying I think of my Grandpa John. He died of being sick and old--and I guess that is an expected thing. I just loved my Grandpa so much. Whenever someone dies, I just imagine Grandpa sitting up there in his rocking chair looking down on me telling me, it'll be okay--that its not so bad up there. I always think about him and if he would be proud of me, and what he would say about my life and decisions I made. I can't wait to see him again.
Its just different. I can look at some deaths and see strength and the love that people showed in horrible circumstances. and then others I just see tragedy.
It changes my perspective on a lot of things. I feel like Satan really wants to literally kill us, and take away all purpose we have at life. So everytime I see someone die like that...I think "He won." and then I have to remember that Jesus defeated death, and that we have that power in us. We have the power to fight against the death the devil is trying to condemn us to.
It makes me so desperate to share the truth of Jesus, because I can't just sit by and watch my friends die in uncertainty.
This is scattered, and not well thought out--and the tears are making me tired and nauseous--so I'm going to sleep.
But its hard to put on a normal happy face, when you have such a tragedy effecting your heart.
love and blessings,
jesus gives me hope
-Rachel
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
my late night emotional battle.
So I'm laying in my bed trying to fall asleep, and I can't.
I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now.
I'm leaving for my YWAM DTS in 2months. Still a substantial amount of time...but I am just so broken up about it. I have been crying in my bed all night thinking about leaving the girls in my move group and leaving the youth staff. Why? I'll tell you.
Back in 2008, when I went to Russia, I felt God call me to missions and ministry. I was having my quiet time, reading in my Bible in this little glass foyer outside the church. I was praying and worshiping and I felt God tell me to look up. I looked up and I saw a piece of paper blowing in the wind. I felt like God told me that I was that piece of paper, and He was the wind. He would carry me and guide me, but I would never know where I was going. I was going to be blown by the wind, but that God would be with me always. The paper settled on the ground and I got up and picked it up, only to find a verse written on the paper about people knowing we were Jesus' disciples by our love. (I lost the paper...so I'm not exactly sure which verse) I was so excited.
I came back and had my Sr. Year. I didn't really live up to the promise God had made me...I just kinda had this attitude where I assumed it would happen eventually, but I made no steps to make it happen for myself. I didn't pursue the dream God had birthed inside of me. So I didn't feel freedom to do a YWAM DTS right out of highschool when I graduated. Instead I was invited to be on staff with the MVMNT. I accepted.
God seriously knows me better than I could ever know myself. Being on staff at the MVMNT has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I've been under extremely Godly leadership with Dustin and Jamie. I see how a team and leadership is supposed to successfully function. How prayer is so vital to ministry. I've been able to see God move mightily in our students. I've been exposed to how real and relevant the gifts of the Holy Spirit are. I've seen kids healed, saved, and set free from bondage at the MVMNT--and it has more than tripled since it began when I was a student. That is incredible. I've been able to mentor an incredible group of girls. I'm serious when I say they are world-changers. Not a single one of them is apathetic and not really caring about their faith. They are so hungry for God, and I am so blessed to have been able to even know them. I cannot wait to see what God does with them. They're going to change the world. I know it.
The more I've been with the MVMNT the more in touch with God I've become. I feel like I've heard about God and I've known about God for so long. I've been excited by the stories about Him and I've been excited to see that God does move...Not even apathetic...I've been hungry for God, but it hasn't been until lately that I have just HEARD THE VOICE OF GOD. Its one thing to hear that God loves you. It's another thing to hear God tell you he loves you Himself. Wowwwww. I feel like I keep hearing God speak to me, and every time I am moved to tears. I don't know how I can not get emotional when I hear God speak to me. It makes me excited that I'm getting to have a more intimate relationship with God.
So tonight at our leaders meeting, I felt God remind me of how he called me into ministry. About being carried by the wind...and then he gave me something new. We were worshiping and I was standing by the wall with my hands lifted and God gave me a picture of me as a little girl standing before God saying "Daddy! Teach me how to dance! I want to dance like you do!" and he picked me up and placed my feet on top of his feet and held my hands and we began to dance. He said... "Hold onto me, and I'll teach how to dance." Then Ben started singing something about going....and just go. I started just cryinggggg and God was just speaking over me... "I called you. I called you. I called you." "Just go. Trust me. I know you. I know your heart. Trust me to guide your heart." and then I was reminded of the story of Abram, and I feel like the call God gave to Abram is the same call He is giving me, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." And Abram left. He packed up and left...he didn't know where he was going, but he trusted that God would show him the land.
I feel like thats where I'm at now. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing after my DTS. For a while I was just assuming I'd come back and go to school--but I don't even know anymore. God has just over and over again told me to trust him. To be still and know that He is God. That is in control...and I need to let go of the things I want and the things I think are good and just trust that God is moving me.
So I've been crying all night, because I wonder if God is going to call me back to the MVMNT, or if it was just something that meant to be in my life for just a season. It breaks me heart to think that I may not come back to this. Maybe I'm coming to the end of this. I don't know if I want to go to school--and I honestly don't care. I trust God to bring me through every valley and over every mountain. But it hurts. Not to say I won't be called back to the MVMNT. But God has over and over again told me to leave with no strings attached. Its a lot harder than it looks.
My life is changing so drastically. It's hard. I appreciate your prayers.
I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now.
I'm leaving for my YWAM DTS in 2months. Still a substantial amount of time...but I am just so broken up about it. I have been crying in my bed all night thinking about leaving the girls in my move group and leaving the youth staff. Why? I'll tell you.
Back in 2008, when I went to Russia, I felt God call me to missions and ministry. I was having my quiet time, reading in my Bible in this little glass foyer outside the church. I was praying and worshiping and I felt God tell me to look up. I looked up and I saw a piece of paper blowing in the wind. I felt like God told me that I was that piece of paper, and He was the wind. He would carry me and guide me, but I would never know where I was going. I was going to be blown by the wind, but that God would be with me always. The paper settled on the ground and I got up and picked it up, only to find a verse written on the paper about people knowing we were Jesus' disciples by our love. (I lost the paper...so I'm not exactly sure which verse) I was so excited.
I came back and had my Sr. Year. I didn't really live up to the promise God had made me...I just kinda had this attitude where I assumed it would happen eventually, but I made no steps to make it happen for myself. I didn't pursue the dream God had birthed inside of me. So I didn't feel freedom to do a YWAM DTS right out of highschool when I graduated. Instead I was invited to be on staff with the MVMNT. I accepted.
God seriously knows me better than I could ever know myself. Being on staff at the MVMNT has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I've been under extremely Godly leadership with Dustin and Jamie. I see how a team and leadership is supposed to successfully function. How prayer is so vital to ministry. I've been able to see God move mightily in our students. I've been exposed to how real and relevant the gifts of the Holy Spirit are. I've seen kids healed, saved, and set free from bondage at the MVMNT--and it has more than tripled since it began when I was a student. That is incredible. I've been able to mentor an incredible group of girls. I'm serious when I say they are world-changers. Not a single one of them is apathetic and not really caring about their faith. They are so hungry for God, and I am so blessed to have been able to even know them. I cannot wait to see what God does with them. They're going to change the world. I know it.
The more I've been with the MVMNT the more in touch with God I've become. I feel like I've heard about God and I've known about God for so long. I've been excited by the stories about Him and I've been excited to see that God does move...Not even apathetic...I've been hungry for God, but it hasn't been until lately that I have just HEARD THE VOICE OF GOD. Its one thing to hear that God loves you. It's another thing to hear God tell you he loves you Himself. Wowwwww. I feel like I keep hearing God speak to me, and every time I am moved to tears. I don't know how I can not get emotional when I hear God speak to me. It makes me excited that I'm getting to have a more intimate relationship with God.
So tonight at our leaders meeting, I felt God remind me of how he called me into ministry. About being carried by the wind...and then he gave me something new. We were worshiping and I was standing by the wall with my hands lifted and God gave me a picture of me as a little girl standing before God saying "Daddy! Teach me how to dance! I want to dance like you do!" and he picked me up and placed my feet on top of his feet and held my hands and we began to dance. He said... "Hold onto me, and I'll teach how to dance." Then Ben started singing something about going....and just go. I started just cryinggggg and God was just speaking over me... "I called you. I called you. I called you." "Just go. Trust me. I know you. I know your heart. Trust me to guide your heart." and then I was reminded of the story of Abram, and I feel like the call God gave to Abram is the same call He is giving me, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." And Abram left. He packed up and left...he didn't know where he was going, but he trusted that God would show him the land.
I feel like thats where I'm at now. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing after my DTS. For a while I was just assuming I'd come back and go to school--but I don't even know anymore. God has just over and over again told me to trust him. To be still and know that He is God. That is in control...and I need to let go of the things I want and the things I think are good and just trust that God is moving me.
So I've been crying all night, because I wonder if God is going to call me back to the MVMNT, or if it was just something that meant to be in my life for just a season. It breaks me heart to think that I may not come back to this. Maybe I'm coming to the end of this. I don't know if I want to go to school--and I honestly don't care. I trust God to bring me through every valley and over every mountain. But it hurts. Not to say I won't be called back to the MVMNT. But God has over and over again told me to leave with no strings attached. Its a lot harder than it looks.
My life is changing so drastically. It's hard. I appreciate your prayers.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Taste and See that the Lord is Good.
So let me tell you what God is doing in my life.
Heading into the mvmnt summer camp, I was feeling a little unsteady. I was beginning to doubt how well I was able to hear God's voice. There were some things I was getting upset about--with what I felt was a righteous anger--but I was beginning to think I was seeing things all wrong and it made me feel like I didn't have any place to be upset. I was doubting whether God was actually speaking to me, or if I was just listening to my own uncertainty and bias. I was almost wary of what would happen at camp. I expected to try my best to give and to serve, but I didn't really expect God to rock my world. I came with expectation of God to move in the lives of students--but not for myself. Fortunately, God doesn't limit himself to our expectations.
The first night of camp, I was heading into pre-service prayer. I was tired, hot, and just all around distracted. I spent the majority of the prayer time just trying to focus myself on God, and asking God to show up despite our (my) weariness. Towards the end I just felt God tell me to stop talking. I just stood there with my face towards the wall and I felt God speak to me. Stronger than I have ever heard God's voice before I heard God said "I love your heart. I love your voice." It hit me so powerfully that I just started crying. No one was praying for me, no one was talking to me. I was just there by myself with God. It was the most peaceful moment I can think of. I felt like God was reassuring me that he saw my heart, and my motives, and my frustration and that He loved me. That I wasn't crazy for being upset like I was--and that he loved my heart behind my frustration. I remember thinking "God, if this is all I get from you this entire weekend--it is enough. It is more than enough." I was excited about that.
The service started, and the kids all piled in the room. I was feeling attentive and aware of God's spirit, and how he was moving. We played a few games and started worship. God's presence just settled in that room. Students were just pressing in, and getting ministered to, on the first night, before the message, before the ministry time. Just the worship alone was touching lives. A song was ending and Dustin came up on the stage. He said "Where is Rachel Olson? Come up here." and I came up to the front. Surprised--because I've never had a word spoken over me publicly before, and I felt like God had already moved in me for the weekend. I went up to the front, and several leaders laid hands on me. Dustin spoke over me that I was a woman of God, and that God wanted to affirm that for me. That I saw my faith as one-dimensional, when there was so much more to God that God wanted to reveal to me. He said the past six months have been difficult and challenging for me, but that God saw me, and knew me, and that God loved my heart. That my heart had been broken and torn apart, but that God loved my heart and wanted to bring healing. That God was giving me a strong heart. That I am strong and a mighty woman of God. As soon as Dustin said that God loved my heart---I just started sobbing. That was such a strong word from the Lord. The fact that God spoke to me on my own and then just completely affirmed that through Dustin. I'm even crying as I write this. Like God MOVED in me. I can't even begin to express how completely encaptured and enraptured I feel that God sees me. I wanted to just rest in that place...just soak in that word. But worship was over, and the message began. Fortunately, God was able to take me right back to that place over and over again in worship, where I could just bask in His glory.
There was another moment in worship where I just heard God tell me that it is easy for me to get fired up and to jump around and stir up my passion for Him, but that I need to learn to rest in His presence in the quiet times. So I just stood there as the words "I want to look at the face of the one that I love. Want to stand in Your presence, thats where I belong" played in the background. God showed me that in His presence--healing comes. Restoration, peace, joy, love. Everything is made complete and whole in God's presence. I'd heard that so many times--but I finally understood and experienced it. Answers come in God's presence. God moves in His presence. and that I have the Holy Spirit in me, and I can bring God's presence with me. It can be in my room, in my car, at the mvmnt, when i'm anywhere.
I was reading in my Bible in Acts 9, where Saul was converted and became Paul. Saul was a pharisee. He studied the scriptures. He knew all the text book knowledge. But he was a major threat to the church. He was murdering Christians and getting them sent to jail. He was doing everything in his power to stop the Gospel from being spread. He was traveling on a Damascus road--when a blinding light stopped Him in His tracks and he was blinded by scales that formed on his eyes. He audibly heard God speak to him and give him a mission. He went into the city where a prophet of the Lord was urged to come and pray for him. He was prayed for, the scales fell off and he was never the same. He changed his name to Paul and he went along preaching that Jesus was Lord. The church was skeptical of him, but it says "Yet Saul grew more and more powerful and baffled the Jews living in Damascus by proving that Jesus is the Christ." Paul went on to write the majority of the New Testament. He spread the gospel all over the world. God used him BIG TIME.
From reading this I realized that Paul had had the answers the whole time. He knew the knowledge. He had been taught it from a young age--but he didn't get it. He was persecuting the church--and then he had an encounter with the Living God--Jesus. Once he experienced the presence of God on that road in Damascus--he was never the same. In God's presence...all the answers came together, and he was able to use that knowledge he once used to rebuke the church--to PROVE that Jesus was the Christ. It was the presence of God that made it all come together. How many of us have questions and doubts and mindsets that can totally get shattered, wrecked, and perfected by the presence of God?
WOWWW.
So now. I'm different. I know God has healed my heart--even areas I didn't know were broken. I feel like a different person. I know I won't ...can't...be the same after this. So I'm writing it down, to show you what God has done, and to remember for myself what He did for me.
Love you all.
-Rachel
P.S. When I came back from my trip. I had an $1000 check waiting for me for my YWAM DTS. As if God hadn't already done enough.... I am so incredibly blessed
Heading into the mvmnt summer camp, I was feeling a little unsteady. I was beginning to doubt how well I was able to hear God's voice. There were some things I was getting upset about--with what I felt was a righteous anger--but I was beginning to think I was seeing things all wrong and it made me feel like I didn't have any place to be upset. I was doubting whether God was actually speaking to me, or if I was just listening to my own uncertainty and bias. I was almost wary of what would happen at camp. I expected to try my best to give and to serve, but I didn't really expect God to rock my world. I came with expectation of God to move in the lives of students--but not for myself. Fortunately, God doesn't limit himself to our expectations.
The first night of camp, I was heading into pre-service prayer. I was tired, hot, and just all around distracted. I spent the majority of the prayer time just trying to focus myself on God, and asking God to show up despite our (my) weariness. Towards the end I just felt God tell me to stop talking. I just stood there with my face towards the wall and I felt God speak to me. Stronger than I have ever heard God's voice before I heard God said "I love your heart. I love your voice." It hit me so powerfully that I just started crying. No one was praying for me, no one was talking to me. I was just there by myself with God. It was the most peaceful moment I can think of. I felt like God was reassuring me that he saw my heart, and my motives, and my frustration and that He loved me. That I wasn't crazy for being upset like I was--and that he loved my heart behind my frustration. I remember thinking "God, if this is all I get from you this entire weekend--it is enough. It is more than enough." I was excited about that.
The service started, and the kids all piled in the room. I was feeling attentive and aware of God's spirit, and how he was moving. We played a few games and started worship. God's presence just settled in that room. Students were just pressing in, and getting ministered to, on the first night, before the message, before the ministry time. Just the worship alone was touching lives. A song was ending and Dustin came up on the stage. He said "Where is Rachel Olson? Come up here." and I came up to the front. Surprised--because I've never had a word spoken over me publicly before, and I felt like God had already moved in me for the weekend. I went up to the front, and several leaders laid hands on me. Dustin spoke over me that I was a woman of God, and that God wanted to affirm that for me. That I saw my faith as one-dimensional, when there was so much more to God that God wanted to reveal to me. He said the past six months have been difficult and challenging for me, but that God saw me, and knew me, and that God loved my heart. That my heart had been broken and torn apart, but that God loved my heart and wanted to bring healing. That God was giving me a strong heart. That I am strong and a mighty woman of God. As soon as Dustin said that God loved my heart---I just started sobbing. That was such a strong word from the Lord. The fact that God spoke to me on my own and then just completely affirmed that through Dustin. I'm even crying as I write this. Like God MOVED in me. I can't even begin to express how completely encaptured and enraptured I feel that God sees me. I wanted to just rest in that place...just soak in that word. But worship was over, and the message began. Fortunately, God was able to take me right back to that place over and over again in worship, where I could just bask in His glory.
There was another moment in worship where I just heard God tell me that it is easy for me to get fired up and to jump around and stir up my passion for Him, but that I need to learn to rest in His presence in the quiet times. So I just stood there as the words "I want to look at the face of the one that I love. Want to stand in Your presence, thats where I belong" played in the background. God showed me that in His presence--healing comes. Restoration, peace, joy, love. Everything is made complete and whole in God's presence. I'd heard that so many times--but I finally understood and experienced it. Answers come in God's presence. God moves in His presence. and that I have the Holy Spirit in me, and I can bring God's presence with me. It can be in my room, in my car, at the mvmnt, when i'm anywhere.
I was reading in my Bible in Acts 9, where Saul was converted and became Paul. Saul was a pharisee. He studied the scriptures. He knew all the text book knowledge. But he was a major threat to the church. He was murdering Christians and getting them sent to jail. He was doing everything in his power to stop the Gospel from being spread. He was traveling on a Damascus road--when a blinding light stopped Him in His tracks and he was blinded by scales that formed on his eyes. He audibly heard God speak to him and give him a mission. He went into the city where a prophet of the Lord was urged to come and pray for him. He was prayed for, the scales fell off and he was never the same. He changed his name to Paul and he went along preaching that Jesus was Lord. The church was skeptical of him, but it says "Yet Saul grew more and more powerful and baffled the Jews living in Damascus by proving that Jesus is the Christ." Paul went on to write the majority of the New Testament. He spread the gospel all over the world. God used him BIG TIME.
From reading this I realized that Paul had had the answers the whole time. He knew the knowledge. He had been taught it from a young age--but he didn't get it. He was persecuting the church--and then he had an encounter with the Living God--Jesus. Once he experienced the presence of God on that road in Damascus--he was never the same. In God's presence...all the answers came together, and he was able to use that knowledge he once used to rebuke the church--to PROVE that Jesus was the Christ. It was the presence of God that made it all come together. How many of us have questions and doubts and mindsets that can totally get shattered, wrecked, and perfected by the presence of God?
WOWWW.
So now. I'm different. I know God has healed my heart--even areas I didn't know were broken. I feel like a different person. I know I won't ...can't...be the same after this. So I'm writing it down, to show you what God has done, and to remember for myself what He did for me.
Love you all.
-Rachel
P.S. When I came back from my trip. I had an $1000 check waiting for me for my YWAM DTS. As if God hadn't already done enough.... I am so incredibly blessed
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Mercy
This is a song I wrote.
I love it.
Cast the first stone if you are without sin
Look into my eyes if you are blameless
A sinful woman, broken and accused
All her past exposed into the open
Jesus stooped down, writing in the dirt
He forgave before he knew her shame
Leave your life of sin
Go and sin no more
A task that daunts the strongest warrior
Now I find myself standing in that place
Wanting to move on without resistance
Now who I've become meets who I've been
And the battles I've won seem like they're not over
I want it gone, no it cannot last
But you can't outrun the pain of your past
The script has been written,
the words have been spoken
The battle is won but I'm still bleeding
But when I look in those eyes of grace
I know His love looked and sought my face
Draw a drink for me, woman at the well
Why are you alone all by yourself
A sinful woman, lonely and abused
All her past is hidden by her secrets
Jesus looked at her, and he saw the truth
But he chose not to cause her shame
Living Water
Will quench your longing thirst
Never again will you be wanting
Now she found herself free from her disgrace
But with freedom comes persistence
I love it.
Cast the first stone if you are without sin
Look into my eyes if you are blameless
A sinful woman, broken and accused
All her past exposed into the open
Jesus stooped down, writing in the dirt
He forgave before he knew her shame
Leave your life of sin
Go and sin no more
A task that daunts the strongest warrior
Now I find myself standing in that place
Wanting to move on without resistance
Now who I've become meets who I've been
And the battles I've won seem like they're not over
I want it gone, no it cannot last
But you can't outrun the pain of your past
The script has been written,
the words have been spoken
The battle is won but I'm still bleeding
But when I look in those eyes of grace
I know His love looked and sought my face
Draw a drink for me, woman at the well
Why are you alone all by yourself
A sinful woman, lonely and abused
All her past is hidden by her secrets
Jesus looked at her, and he saw the truth
But he chose not to cause her shame
Living Water
Will quench your longing thirst
Never again will you be wanting
Now she found herself free from her disgrace
But with freedom comes persistence
Monday, June 21, 2010
love
So the message this past Wednesday night was so moving to me. I get emotional whenever I talk about it, so I figured its something that holds enough significance for me to retell it.
Based on John 8 3-11.
This adulteress woman was brought before Jesus after being caught in the act of adultery, and the town and the people want to stone her, and they start listing her sins aloud. Jesus stoops down and starts writing in the dirt--not even paying attention to what was being said about the woman. And then he stands up and says "If any of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." and everyone leaves--knowing they all had sin in their life. Jesus goes to the woman and ask where her accusers are, and she tells him they had all gone. And he finishes with "Then neither do I condemn you, Go now and leave your life of sin."
I've always heard the story taught from the perspective of the town. Kind of a "don't judge lest you be judged" type thing. But this time I was placed the position of the woman. All of her sin and all of her past being thrown out into the open. Everyone seeing all of her shame. All her friends and family. No one would look at her the same after this..and she was about to die. But Jesus doesn't even pay attention to the sins thrown around her because he had already forgiven her. He had already paid the price. He knew he would die on the cross for her shame--but he still loved her. Nothing that could have been said changed that love for her.
I get so overwhelmed thinking about that. That Jesus so specifically loved her--that he loves ME the same way. He loves the dirtiest, most raw and unkept and shielded place of who you are. He doesn't just look at the good in you and love the positive things you do. He loves you wholly and truly even through the disgusting sin we find ourselves in.
I don't think i've ever had such a strong emotional reaction to the love of Jesus before. I don't find myself guilt ridden and broken anymore, but I know that I have some things in my past that I have to own up to. People I see, people that know about my sin--places and circumstances all remind me of what I have been in the past--but I know that God saw fit to bring me out of my darkness into his light. Into a lasting and eternal purpose I cannot even fathom.
That blows my mind.
God is so good.
-Rachel
Based on John 8 3-11.
This adulteress woman was brought before Jesus after being caught in the act of adultery, and the town and the people want to stone her, and they start listing her sins aloud. Jesus stoops down and starts writing in the dirt--not even paying attention to what was being said about the woman. And then he stands up and says "If any of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." and everyone leaves--knowing they all had sin in their life. Jesus goes to the woman and ask where her accusers are, and she tells him they had all gone. And he finishes with "Then neither do I condemn you, Go now and leave your life of sin."
I've always heard the story taught from the perspective of the town. Kind of a "don't judge lest you be judged" type thing. But this time I was placed the position of the woman. All of her sin and all of her past being thrown out into the open. Everyone seeing all of her shame. All her friends and family. No one would look at her the same after this..and she was about to die. But Jesus doesn't even pay attention to the sins thrown around her because he had already forgiven her. He had already paid the price. He knew he would die on the cross for her shame--but he still loved her. Nothing that could have been said changed that love for her.
I get so overwhelmed thinking about that. That Jesus so specifically loved her--that he loves ME the same way. He loves the dirtiest, most raw and unkept and shielded place of who you are. He doesn't just look at the good in you and love the positive things you do. He loves you wholly and truly even through the disgusting sin we find ourselves in.
I don't think i've ever had such a strong emotional reaction to the love of Jesus before. I don't find myself guilt ridden and broken anymore, but I know that I have some things in my past that I have to own up to. People I see, people that know about my sin--places and circumstances all remind me of what I have been in the past--but I know that God saw fit to bring me out of my darkness into his light. Into a lasting and eternal purpose I cannot even fathom.
That blows my mind.
God is so good.
-Rachel
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Consistency = Powerhouse of the Holy Spirit
So I've learned that not everyone is going to like who you are. Not everyone is going to understand your goals or your mindset--but it is important to remain consistent no matter what you do. Consistency is such a powerful thing, and I feel like it gets overlooked so often.
I have friends that party and are into all sorts of things, but I can find some respect for them because they are consistently the same across the board. They're not faking anything. They don't act like a good church kid that goes and parties on the weekend. They're not ashamed of their lifestyle. Do I support it? No. Do I respect that lifestyle? No. But think about it this way.A person that is consistently living for themselvess--if they come to Christ and decide to surrender their lives to Him--it is going to make a big impact on everyone that knows them, because their entire life is changing. A person that acts like a sold out worshiper on Sunday, while they're out partying every Friday--if that person comes to Christ--they have to work twice as hard to get people to notice, because they already claim to do the "church thing" Their friends don't have that same respect for them...because they are claiming to be two opposite things--so its hard to take either one seriously.
Now a consistent Christian--that person is a powerhouse of the holy spirit. I don't think people realize how much strength they gain for themselves and for all those they impact when they are consistently seeking God, and consistently making the right decision. It is not about being perfect--but it is about hearing and responding to the voice of God.
What I have found is that when you feed the voice of God by consistently following it--the voices that would tempt you to do the sin you used to do will get weaker and weaker. You'll be able to say no more easily, you'll have less of a desire to give in, and you'll be able to combat those temptations with fire.
Not everyone will agree with your lifestyle--but when you live above reproach--no one can come in and take that from you. Your reputation cannot be discredited by your secrets. You can live without fear or insecurity of being found out. We all make mistakes, but it is important to confess those mistakes to someone who can pray for you and offer you accountability so you can live in freedom. Don't hold onto your shame--because it will hold you back from living consistently. You'll always think you're not good enough for God, and you'll always think He isn't using you correctly. You'll even get upset when you fail at consistency. Don't hold onto your guilt! There is so much more that God can use you for once you let it go.
Satan uses your mistakes as a stronghold to keep you back from success.
Our faith is a battle. Once you recognize that you have to fight and that everything you are scared of is a tactic of the enemy to cause you to stumble...that should make you angry and it should make you want to get over whatever is holding you back.
Do it!
-Rachel
I have friends that party and are into all sorts of things, but I can find some respect for them because they are consistently the same across the board. They're not faking anything. They don't act like a good church kid that goes and parties on the weekend. They're not ashamed of their lifestyle. Do I support it? No. Do I respect that lifestyle? No. But think about it this way.A person that is consistently living for themselvess--if they come to Christ and decide to surrender their lives to Him--it is going to make a big impact on everyone that knows them, because their entire life is changing. A person that acts like a sold out worshiper on Sunday, while they're out partying every Friday--if that person comes to Christ--they have to work twice as hard to get people to notice, because they already claim to do the "church thing" Their friends don't have that same respect for them...because they are claiming to be two opposite things--so its hard to take either one seriously.
Now a consistent Christian--that person is a powerhouse of the holy spirit. I don't think people realize how much strength they gain for themselves and for all those they impact when they are consistently seeking God, and consistently making the right decision. It is not about being perfect--but it is about hearing and responding to the voice of God.
What I have found is that when you feed the voice of God by consistently following it--the voices that would tempt you to do the sin you used to do will get weaker and weaker. You'll be able to say no more easily, you'll have less of a desire to give in, and you'll be able to combat those temptations with fire.
Not everyone will agree with your lifestyle--but when you live above reproach--no one can come in and take that from you. Your reputation cannot be discredited by your secrets. You can live without fear or insecurity of being found out. We all make mistakes, but it is important to confess those mistakes to someone who can pray for you and offer you accountability so you can live in freedom. Don't hold onto your shame--because it will hold you back from living consistently. You'll always think you're not good enough for God, and you'll always think He isn't using you correctly. You'll even get upset when you fail at consistency. Don't hold onto your guilt! There is so much more that God can use you for once you let it go.
Satan uses your mistakes as a stronghold to keep you back from success.
Our faith is a battle. Once you recognize that you have to fight and that everything you are scared of is a tactic of the enemy to cause you to stumble...that should make you angry and it should make you want to get over whatever is holding you back.
Do it!
-Rachel
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
why do you worry about the rest?
It is so easy to get so caught up in life that you miss it. Lately I've been struggling with stressing about not having enough time to finish everything I have to do. Seriously, I am so busy that it almost seems unbearable. I've been dreading waking up every morning...and then the other day God just led me to Luke chapter 12 verse 25-26. "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"
I have had to constantly remind myself that I cannot do anything to add more time no matter how much I want it. This is the situation I am in and I just need to make the most of every opportunity. I can get so caught up in this panicked mode that I am completely useless. Yes, I have stuff I need to do...and it is going to be rough, but I can do it.
My circumstance isn't the worst that has ever been--so I shouldn't look at myself as more stressed or more deserving of sympathy than anyone else out there. It isn't about me. It isn't about what I can say or do. Its something where it was essential for me to experience God or else I wouldn't be making it right now. I seriously have had such a peace since God led me to that verse. He is my rock and my foundation--my everything.
I'm trusting God and believing in His power. My doubt and my stress discredits His goodness. So I'm going to make it through these next 2 weeks of school and then begin to focus on my DTS coming up--I am so excited. :]
God is good.
Rachel
I have had to constantly remind myself that I cannot do anything to add more time no matter how much I want it. This is the situation I am in and I just need to make the most of every opportunity. I can get so caught up in this panicked mode that I am completely useless. Yes, I have stuff I need to do...and it is going to be rough, but I can do it.
My circumstance isn't the worst that has ever been--so I shouldn't look at myself as more stressed or more deserving of sympathy than anyone else out there. It isn't about me. It isn't about what I can say or do. Its something where it was essential for me to experience God or else I wouldn't be making it right now. I seriously have had such a peace since God led me to that verse. He is my rock and my foundation--my everything.
I'm trusting God and believing in His power. My doubt and my stress discredits His goodness. So I'm going to make it through these next 2 weeks of school and then begin to focus on my DTS coming up--I am so excited. :]
God is good.
Rachel
Monday, April 19, 2010
Faith Like That
I have read about the days of old
About the men who followed You
How they saw the supernatural
and became the chosen Few
So I stand before you now
Tearing off my earthly crown
For the one thing I have found
I want a faith like that
To see the dead rise
To see you pass by
I want a faith like that
Whatever the cost
I'll suffer the loss
I want faith like that
I'm not looking for a miracle
Signs and wonders and things there of
I caught a glimpse of what you want for me
and what I have is not enough
I read the story one more time
Of those who gave to you their lives
With no fear or compromise
I want a faith that can move any mountain
And send them to the sea
I want a faith that can break any strong hold
That keeps you, that keeps you from me
--Faith Like That
By: Jonah 33
I knew there was a reason I loved them.
About the men who followed You
How they saw the supernatural
and became the chosen Few
So I stand before you now
Tearing off my earthly crown
For the one thing I have found
I want a faith like that
To see the dead rise
To see you pass by
I want a faith like that
Whatever the cost
I'll suffer the loss
I want faith like that
I'm not looking for a miracle
Signs and wonders and things there of
I caught a glimpse of what you want for me
and what I have is not enough
I read the story one more time
Of those who gave to you their lives
With no fear or compromise
I want a faith that can move any mountain
And send them to the sea
I want a faith that can break any strong hold
That keeps you, that keeps you from me
--Faith Like That
By: Jonah 33
I knew there was a reason I loved them.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I can't be the best at everything.
Today, I've just been really frustrated.
I'm just kinda feeling pushed into this place I don't want to be in--I don't really know why.
I mean, I actually had a really good day at work and stuff, but for some reason I just set into this really negative mood.
I feel like I took too many classes at school this year, and I worked too much, and my school work just isn't up to my usual standard. I understand having school projects, and I can usually see the purpose of them--but sometimes when I have a ton of busy work, it makes me angry, defensive, and unmotivated. I feel like just "sticking it to the man," when in reality all that would do is hurt me. I want this semester to be over. I want my friends to be home. I want to save my money for YWAM, I want to go on my DTS, I don't want to leave my Move Group, I want to still be involved with the MVMNT, I want to find that perfect person and get married, I want to learn the guitar and write amazing songs, I want to lead missions trips to places overseas.
Right now I just feel like nothing fits together.
I keep hearing God say to trust Him, and remember that He has never let me down, but its so hard to see sometimes! I've been so busy this semester, that I just didn't take much time to really evaluate myself and realize how lonely I really am. Maybe this is just a point where I need to recognize that God is my strength and my only stability. Friends will let you down. Family lets you down. Plans let you down. It's important to be able to move past it all and make it work. Maybe I've just been selfish and I'm only looking to see that my emotional needs are met, but I haven't been reaching out to help meet the needs of others. I push people away sometimes too. I've gotten to this spot where I almost don't want to talk to anyone who is super negative or non-spiritual, because I'm scared they will bring me down, or I just don't appreciate the conversation. I need to get in a fighting mentality where i realize its not about me and my comfort zone.
These last couple days I feel like I've slipped a little on my resolve--meaning that I am reminded that I have to fight to keep what I want. If I want to be worth fighting for, I need to fight for my own goals and ambitions. I don't want a relationship right now--I like the idea of one, but I am not ready for one now. I talked about that in my last post. It's hard when so many people around me are getting married, and I only have a couple steady friendships right now. I'm remembering that I don't want to be a desperate, settle for whats convenient, stop dreaming and moving type girl. I want so much out of life. I don't want to be someone who settles for the immediate and comfortable just because I don't have the patience to wait for the very best. I see the best in my future. I know God has my life in His hands, and everytime I try taking it into my own hands I just can't do a good enough job. I'm almost at this spot where I want to blame everything on school, work, or not getting enough sleep. But i know its me. Life never gets to a point where its all just easy and makes sense. There is a challenge in everything, but if there wasn't--would I really want to live it? I like the challenge. I like the sweet relief of achieving something and finally getting something I've worked hard for.
I'm just having this huge humbling experience where I'm realizing I shouldn't "think of [myself] as more highly than [I] ought." I'm not the perfect employee that deserves a raise and trainer position because I'm more qualified than anyone else. I'm not the perfect student who barely has to try and still makes good grades. I'm not the perfect daughter who is never disrespectful and always does everything right. I'm not the perfect, or first choice friend. I'm not the best songwriter there ever was. I'm not the hottest thing around.
I cannot always be the best. I can't do everything I want. I can't be everything I wish I could be. Its so easy to strive and strive and want to BE everything. I feel like I am just a blame caster. I'm always saying that I spread myself too thin that I can't really develop anything I've involved in to its fullest potential. Which partially is true, but then whenever I do have time, I rarely take the time to teach myself guitar, or study, or go to the gym--i would rather selfishly take some "Me" time, and watch TV, and then get angry later on about not being the best.
Does it make sense? No. But does anything ever fully make sense?
I just need to trust, and find a way to find joy in all circumstances without having this heavy "i can't do anything" feeling weighing down on me all the time.
Ha--this is such a drastic different message than my last post.
Great illustration of my life. :]
<3 rachel
I'm just kinda feeling pushed into this place I don't want to be in--I don't really know why.
I mean, I actually had a really good day at work and stuff, but for some reason I just set into this really negative mood.
I feel like I took too many classes at school this year, and I worked too much, and my school work just isn't up to my usual standard. I understand having school projects, and I can usually see the purpose of them--but sometimes when I have a ton of busy work, it makes me angry, defensive, and unmotivated. I feel like just "sticking it to the man," when in reality all that would do is hurt me. I want this semester to be over. I want my friends to be home. I want to save my money for YWAM, I want to go on my DTS, I don't want to leave my Move Group, I want to still be involved with the MVMNT, I want to find that perfect person and get married, I want to learn the guitar and write amazing songs, I want to lead missions trips to places overseas.
Right now I just feel like nothing fits together.
I keep hearing God say to trust Him, and remember that He has never let me down, but its so hard to see sometimes! I've been so busy this semester, that I just didn't take much time to really evaluate myself and realize how lonely I really am. Maybe this is just a point where I need to recognize that God is my strength and my only stability. Friends will let you down. Family lets you down. Plans let you down. It's important to be able to move past it all and make it work. Maybe I've just been selfish and I'm only looking to see that my emotional needs are met, but I haven't been reaching out to help meet the needs of others. I push people away sometimes too. I've gotten to this spot where I almost don't want to talk to anyone who is super negative or non-spiritual, because I'm scared they will bring me down, or I just don't appreciate the conversation. I need to get in a fighting mentality where i realize its not about me and my comfort zone.
These last couple days I feel like I've slipped a little on my resolve--meaning that I am reminded that I have to fight to keep what I want. If I want to be worth fighting for, I need to fight for my own goals and ambitions. I don't want a relationship right now--I like the idea of one, but I am not ready for one now. I talked about that in my last post. It's hard when so many people around me are getting married, and I only have a couple steady friendships right now. I'm remembering that I don't want to be a desperate, settle for whats convenient, stop dreaming and moving type girl. I want so much out of life. I don't want to be someone who settles for the immediate and comfortable just because I don't have the patience to wait for the very best. I see the best in my future. I know God has my life in His hands, and everytime I try taking it into my own hands I just can't do a good enough job. I'm almost at this spot where I want to blame everything on school, work, or not getting enough sleep. But i know its me. Life never gets to a point where its all just easy and makes sense. There is a challenge in everything, but if there wasn't--would I really want to live it? I like the challenge. I like the sweet relief of achieving something and finally getting something I've worked hard for.
I'm just having this huge humbling experience where I'm realizing I shouldn't "think of [myself] as more highly than [I] ought." I'm not the perfect employee that deserves a raise and trainer position because I'm more qualified than anyone else. I'm not the perfect student who barely has to try and still makes good grades. I'm not the perfect daughter who is never disrespectful and always does everything right. I'm not the perfect, or first choice friend. I'm not the best songwriter there ever was. I'm not the hottest thing around.
I cannot always be the best. I can't do everything I want. I can't be everything I wish I could be. Its so easy to strive and strive and want to BE everything. I feel like I am just a blame caster. I'm always saying that I spread myself too thin that I can't really develop anything I've involved in to its fullest potential. Which partially is true, but then whenever I do have time, I rarely take the time to teach myself guitar, or study, or go to the gym--i would rather selfishly take some "Me" time, and watch TV, and then get angry later on about not being the best.
Does it make sense? No. But does anything ever fully make sense?
I just need to trust, and find a way to find joy in all circumstances without having this heavy "i can't do anything" feeling weighing down on me all the time.
Ha--this is such a drastic different message than my last post.
Great illustration of my life. :]
<3 rachel
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Relations, Convictions, and Timothy
Do you ever take notice of how people relate to each other? How their upbringing or social situation plays a part on how they respond to certain people in certain situations? That is basically the number one thing that interests me. I love people watching, and I love analyzing people--which I suppose can be a bad thing, but at the same time I find it very helpful.
If you understand why someone acts the way they do, in a general way of speaking, you can learn to excuse or analyze specific actions of a person. Like how some people are way more open to talking about their emotions than others or how someone relates to the opposite sex.
I've been thinking--is it better to really understand person wholly before you take a chance in getting close with them, or is it better to keep a bigger distance and only understand a few select people. I don't know if that makes sense. Do we really need to KNOW a lot of people? is it necessary for other people to really KNOW me? I'm getting to a point in my life where I feel like my beliefs and presuppositions are changing every day. Not life shattering stuff that is going to ruin me or anything. But I have just more and more realized that I have stronger and more specific opinions about certain topics or events than I initially thought.
Example: I used to think that dating was really just something you could do for fun. You can just enjoy being with someone and it just be a casual fun thing. But at this point in my life I feel like dating someone for that reason would be a serious waste of time. I am not interested in something casual. Right now I'm not even dating...but when I do. I'm going to be serious about it. Which scares me. It makes me want to wait like 10 years before I even think of dating so I can get all my stuff together. But I mean who knows? It's not like a thought thats always on my mind...but it is really hard not to think farther into my future when I have so many friends that are engaged or getting married. I'm beginning to feel like I'm supposed to follow suit haha. I don't feel like I'm just 19. Hopefully I'm not just acting like I'm 19...because I know a lot of really immature and stupid 19yr olds. But I feel like I'm just being very practical and taking things seriously in my life.
I've also realized that I can't overbook myself or else nothing I do can succeed. It is so hard to not want to invest myself in everything I want to do. But if I can only do everything half way...what good is it? you know? I'm just ready for something serious in my life. I am ready for some actual excellence in some area. I rarely have truly invested myself in something...and whenever I do, I succeed. I don't know why I don't always have the motivation to go all in, but it really is an off and on type thing. Like Western Civ...maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like I rocked that. I loved it and I got passionate about it. It brought something out in me that made me want to succeed. I feel like that about the MVMNT too...but at the same time I feel so limited on what I can offer to really express how excited I am about it.
Today, I feel like such a passionate individual. I feel like every desire or longing in my heart is full swing today. Not in a bad way...but in a way where I feel like I am just walking with God smiling down at me today. Like its just so refreshing. I love it when I feel like smiling all the time, and I feel like laughing and I just feel like I can do anything. This sounds so lame or cheesy, but today i CAN DO IT. Other days everything feels impossible...it feels like I can never accomplish a single thing I have to do...but today I am pumped up.
I am fired up
I am writing songs again and poetry and I feel like my words are just pouring out of me. Like a day where my thoughts are actually coming across when I speak. I can identify who I am and what I want.
You know what it is? Lately, I've just been having such a hard time really digging into the Word. Like I'd read my Bible but I just couldn't get into it and get hungry for it. On Wednesday last week, Dustin talked about how we need to get a mentality where its not like "I read my Bible because I have to" but " I read my Bible because I NEED to." thats what I was missing.
Lately I've just been trying to tear away at the scriptures. I am reading stuff...and I have questions about it. Like it feels like something I haven't read before...like something I just HAVE TO KNOW! I want to take the Bible for what it says. I'm getting to this place where I've been thinking...."have I been picking and choosing what I want to believe??" I don't want to do that...but I want some answers! lol
The other day God put in on my heart to think of myself like Timothy. Like a young disciple eager to learn. I'm so blessed to have people like Brittany and Jamie in my life who I look up to...like I feel like I am in training MODE. I'm so ready for it. ahhh I'm so stoked guys.
sooo freaking stoked. :]
-Rachel
If you understand why someone acts the way they do, in a general way of speaking, you can learn to excuse or analyze specific actions of a person. Like how some people are way more open to talking about their emotions than others or how someone relates to the opposite sex.
I've been thinking--is it better to really understand person wholly before you take a chance in getting close with them, or is it better to keep a bigger distance and only understand a few select people. I don't know if that makes sense. Do we really need to KNOW a lot of people? is it necessary for other people to really KNOW me? I'm getting to a point in my life where I feel like my beliefs and presuppositions are changing every day. Not life shattering stuff that is going to ruin me or anything. But I have just more and more realized that I have stronger and more specific opinions about certain topics or events than I initially thought.
Example: I used to think that dating was really just something you could do for fun. You can just enjoy being with someone and it just be a casual fun thing. But at this point in my life I feel like dating someone for that reason would be a serious waste of time. I am not interested in something casual. Right now I'm not even dating...but when I do. I'm going to be serious about it. Which scares me. It makes me want to wait like 10 years before I even think of dating so I can get all my stuff together. But I mean who knows? It's not like a thought thats always on my mind...but it is really hard not to think farther into my future when I have so many friends that are engaged or getting married. I'm beginning to feel like I'm supposed to follow suit haha. I don't feel like I'm just 19. Hopefully I'm not just acting like I'm 19...because I know a lot of really immature and stupid 19yr olds. But I feel like I'm just being very practical and taking things seriously in my life.
I've also realized that I can't overbook myself or else nothing I do can succeed. It is so hard to not want to invest myself in everything I want to do. But if I can only do everything half way...what good is it? you know? I'm just ready for something serious in my life. I am ready for some actual excellence in some area. I rarely have truly invested myself in something...and whenever I do, I succeed. I don't know why I don't always have the motivation to go all in, but it really is an off and on type thing. Like Western Civ...maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like I rocked that. I loved it and I got passionate about it. It brought something out in me that made me want to succeed. I feel like that about the MVMNT too...but at the same time I feel so limited on what I can offer to really express how excited I am about it.
Today, I feel like such a passionate individual. I feel like every desire or longing in my heart is full swing today. Not in a bad way...but in a way where I feel like I am just walking with God smiling down at me today. Like its just so refreshing. I love it when I feel like smiling all the time, and I feel like laughing and I just feel like I can do anything. This sounds so lame or cheesy, but today i CAN DO IT. Other days everything feels impossible...it feels like I can never accomplish a single thing I have to do...but today I am pumped up.
I am fired up
I am writing songs again and poetry and I feel like my words are just pouring out of me. Like a day where my thoughts are actually coming across when I speak. I can identify who I am and what I want.
You know what it is? Lately, I've just been having such a hard time really digging into the Word. Like I'd read my Bible but I just couldn't get into it and get hungry for it. On Wednesday last week, Dustin talked about how we need to get a mentality where its not like "I read my Bible because I have to" but " I read my Bible because I NEED to." thats what I was missing.
Lately I've just been trying to tear away at the scriptures. I am reading stuff...and I have questions about it. Like it feels like something I haven't read before...like something I just HAVE TO KNOW! I want to take the Bible for what it says. I'm getting to this place where I've been thinking...."have I been picking and choosing what I want to believe??" I don't want to do that...but I want some answers! lol
The other day God put in on my heart to think of myself like Timothy. Like a young disciple eager to learn. I'm so blessed to have people like Brittany and Jamie in my life who I look up to...like I feel like I am in training MODE. I'm so ready for it. ahhh I'm so stoked guys.
sooo freaking stoked. :]
-Rachel
Monday, April 5, 2010
Movement. (a poem)
I'd better speak my mind
Or else I'd be wasting your time.
I'm going to let my mind go free
An artistic arrangement of words written by me
Not eloquent or well-expressed
But something that will perhaps put your mind to the test.
We say we are a movement
We say we're on the go
We say that we are willing to follow wherever He may show
But are we really ready to die to self to live for Him?
Are we really dedicated enough to keep on going when our light grows dim?
Death is not a painless process
Death is more than a few meaningless words we confess
It's an action, it's a verb
It's daily moving past your pride to lead you to the verge
We're a wave of intense passion
A striking sensation meant to change the life we fashion
Good is good, but its not the best
Jesus died to save your life--so you better consider yourself blessed
It's not about you
It's not about me
Its not even about us living forever in eternity
When those around don't know or see the truth
Don't you think your life should serve as the proof?
Of a God who sees and knows and loves and cares
A God who comforts and holds and mends those in the deepest despair.
Don't think for a minute your life doesn't count
Who knows who you can reach if you just take your life into account
You are precious and loved and well equipped for service
You have a God who loves and guides even when you get nervous
Your mission is simple: tell the good news
Follow or not--thats the choice you choose
If you want to influence a fallen generation
Get on your knees and pray without ceasing
Something small and unseen by most
Which really gives you no room to boast
Laying your life on the line, and doing something great
Doesn't even matter if you're doing it all for your own sake
Live it right and live it shouting out the message
Watch Jesus ruin lives and clean up their wreckage
You're the voice--You're the momentum
It is your job, so you better tell them
You are the Movment
I am the Movement
HE is our Movement.
Or else I'd be wasting your time.
I'm going to let my mind go free
An artistic arrangement of words written by me
Not eloquent or well-expressed
But something that will perhaps put your mind to the test.
We say we are a movement
We say we're on the go
We say that we are willing to follow wherever He may show
But are we really ready to die to self to live for Him?
Are we really dedicated enough to keep on going when our light grows dim?
Death is not a painless process
Death is more than a few meaningless words we confess
It's an action, it's a verb
It's daily moving past your pride to lead you to the verge
We're a wave of intense passion
A striking sensation meant to change the life we fashion
Good is good, but its not the best
Jesus died to save your life--so you better consider yourself blessed
It's not about you
It's not about me
Its not even about us living forever in eternity
When those around don't know or see the truth
Don't you think your life should serve as the proof?
Of a God who sees and knows and loves and cares
A God who comforts and holds and mends those in the deepest despair.
Don't think for a minute your life doesn't count
Who knows who you can reach if you just take your life into account
You are precious and loved and well equipped for service
You have a God who loves and guides even when you get nervous
Your mission is simple: tell the good news
Follow or not--thats the choice you choose
If you want to influence a fallen generation
Get on your knees and pray without ceasing
Something small and unseen by most
Which really gives you no room to boast
Laying your life on the line, and doing something great
Doesn't even matter if you're doing it all for your own sake
Live it right and live it shouting out the message
Watch Jesus ruin lives and clean up their wreckage
You're the voice--You're the momentum
It is your job, so you better tell them
You are the Movment
I am the Movement
HE is our Movement.
Monday, March 22, 2010
i'm not perfect or invincible
So, I was reminded that I have not written in quite some time, so I thought I would write something up.
Life right now is just fairly average. Not bad, not exceptional...but I'm alright with it. I'm making an effort to not become complacent, and to challenge myself daily. Lately I've just been realizing how self-absorbed I can be. I'm trying to make sure I start to ask other people what is going on in THEIR lives and listen to them instead of always talking about myself or whining or complaining about my own things. I have to walk into work and be like "its all about THEM today" and get myself in a zone. Its still the beginning of seeing how all this will pan out, but we will see how it all turns out. :]
My current stresser would be my job. I'm debating whether I want to quit working at Brio and just work exclusively at Borders.
Pros of leaving Brio:
I wouldnt have to work a double every Saturday
I wouldn't have to ask off two places
I wouldn't have to deal with aggravating managers all the time
I would have more time, bc I'm already at school 19hours a week
Cons of leaving Brio:
I make a dollar more per hour at Brio, and there is no guarantee I'd end up getting more hours at Borders if I left
I wouldn't get a check every Friday
I'm slightly nervous about how stable my job at Borders is
About that last point...let me explain. one of my friends at Borders recently lost his job because he made himself a drink in the cafe. They caught him on camera, and it is considered stealing because he used syrups and sauces and expresso and stuff. I have never full out made myself a drink, but pretty much everyone in the cafe has done stuff that is technically against the rules that we havent really thought much about... like if there is extra javakula left in the mixer after a drink we'll pour a little in a sample cup and taste it...if there is extra chai steamed up...we'd taste it....and if there was extra steamed milk we would put a little syrup in it and mix it up and make ourselves little mini steamers. I don't know how serious they take things like that. I don't want to lose my job over that! either way...I'm not going to do it anymore. I just hope they don't go and review all the previous tapes.
Oh well, either way I'm shaping up my act.
I had my first super intimidating presentation today! haha It went fairly well other than my mouth spazzing out on me leaving me with jumbled words in the shape of a sentence. oh well it happens, i know im not perfect or invincible haha.
right now im working on a trip mix for my trip to oklahoma in a week or so.
I'm pretty excited, not going to lie. :]
all for now,
rachel
Life right now is just fairly average. Not bad, not exceptional...but I'm alright with it. I'm making an effort to not become complacent, and to challenge myself daily. Lately I've just been realizing how self-absorbed I can be. I'm trying to make sure I start to ask other people what is going on in THEIR lives and listen to them instead of always talking about myself or whining or complaining about my own things. I have to walk into work and be like "its all about THEM today" and get myself in a zone. Its still the beginning of seeing how all this will pan out, but we will see how it all turns out. :]
My current stresser would be my job. I'm debating whether I want to quit working at Brio and just work exclusively at Borders.
Pros of leaving Brio:
I wouldnt have to work a double every Saturday
I wouldn't have to ask off two places
I wouldn't have to deal with aggravating managers all the time
I would have more time, bc I'm already at school 19hours a week
Cons of leaving Brio:
I make a dollar more per hour at Brio, and there is no guarantee I'd end up getting more hours at Borders if I left
I wouldn't get a check every Friday
I'm slightly nervous about how stable my job at Borders is
About that last point...let me explain. one of my friends at Borders recently lost his job because he made himself a drink in the cafe. They caught him on camera, and it is considered stealing because he used syrups and sauces and expresso and stuff. I have never full out made myself a drink, but pretty much everyone in the cafe has done stuff that is technically against the rules that we havent really thought much about... like if there is extra javakula left in the mixer after a drink we'll pour a little in a sample cup and taste it...if there is extra chai steamed up...we'd taste it....and if there was extra steamed milk we would put a little syrup in it and mix it up and make ourselves little mini steamers. I don't know how serious they take things like that. I don't want to lose my job over that! either way...I'm not going to do it anymore. I just hope they don't go and review all the previous tapes.
Oh well, either way I'm shaping up my act.
I had my first super intimidating presentation today! haha It went fairly well other than my mouth spazzing out on me leaving me with jumbled words in the shape of a sentence. oh well it happens, i know im not perfect or invincible haha.
right now im working on a trip mix for my trip to oklahoma in a week or so.
I'm pretty excited, not going to lie. :]
all for now,
rachel
Monday, March 1, 2010
looking bright
I love having something to be excited about. I think I can actually function as a complete and fulfilled human being if I 1)Have a goal 2)Have something to be excited about.
I'm looking forward to my DTS and my future, and whatever God has in store for me. I just feel like everything is so attainable. Like all my dreams aren't so impossible. It even seems like my dreams have even narrowed down and gotten more specific. I'm 19, and I am just ready to explode! I'm so ready to just GO.
I've got a DTS planned for September and then who knows?
I'm just so sick of this whole "waiting for my life to begin" stage...going to school and staying home. I just want to break out and start things up!
I had lunch with Jamie last week and she put some ideas in my head that I have not been able to stop thinking about. I'm getting fired up! ahh it could all just be so perfect. :]
It's so awesome too. Like I 100% don't want a relationship right now. Right now the only thing a relationship ship could do is hold me back. It has been cool to realize that and walk in it. I'm just focused on my future right now and it is looking bright, let me tell you :]
-Rachel
I'm looking forward to my DTS and my future, and whatever God has in store for me. I just feel like everything is so attainable. Like all my dreams aren't so impossible. It even seems like my dreams have even narrowed down and gotten more specific. I'm 19, and I am just ready to explode! I'm so ready to just GO.
I've got a DTS planned for September and then who knows?
I'm just so sick of this whole "waiting for my life to begin" stage...going to school and staying home. I just want to break out and start things up!
I had lunch with Jamie last week and she put some ideas in my head that I have not been able to stop thinking about. I'm getting fired up! ahh it could all just be so perfect. :]
It's so awesome too. Like I 100% don't want a relationship right now. Right now the only thing a relationship ship could do is hold me back. It has been cool to realize that and walk in it. I'm just focused on my future right now and it is looking bright, let me tell you :]
-Rachel
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
craziness!!
So Winter Camp was ridiculous. Nothing went as planned, but I almost feel as if that stretched everyone even more. Both students and staff were forced to get out of their comfort zones and rely on God.
I was the only staff member on the bus, which I didn't really mind, because it made me feel all responsible :] but our bus driver took the wrong turn off the interstate and ended up in Edom, TX when we were supposed to be in Van. He basically went 30minutes the wrong direction, so we got to the camp an hour later than expected.
We got to camp and realized the electricity was out. No heat, no lights, no water running out of the automatic faucets. We had a generator so we were able to have a couple lights set up and we borrowed the heaters from their reptiles building. It was cool bc during the worship it was so stripped down. The students were creating the atmosphere. They had to worship on their own without a big band leading them.
It was pretty cold and the generators were giving out so we eventually moved to a hotel in Tyler, TX. I had 4 girls in my room and I had 2 other rooms I was in charge of, it was fun :] I really loved getting to know the girls better. And when it came time for the service....God showed up so much. There was such a spirit of celebration and breakthrough. Students were pressing in and God did amazing things. Kids were set free from demonic strongholds, healed of breathing problems, etc. I was so blessed to be a part of it.
Not to mention it was hilarious to lead 100 kids across an intersections 4 times on the way to and back from chick fil a and mcdonalds. CRAZINESS!!!
The bus was 2 hours late and I finally got home only to rush to work to work for 5 hours. I was completely exhausted. Breaking down to the point of tears several times in the night. hahaha ohhh yeah it was ridiculous
But despite the craziness of the week, God spoke to ME.
Pastor Lawrence prayed over us as a staff and gave words to each member. He spoke over me that I was coming into a place of establishment with my faith. A walk of consistency and maturity. He also said I had a gift of healing and that I would lay hands on girls who had been broken and abused or had been robbed from and they would be made whole physically and emotionally.
The crazy thing is that 3 years ago a youth staff member at a camp I went to spoke the same word over me. That I had the gift of healing.
I didn't really take it seriously the first time. I didn't know what it meant and I thought it was just someone who thought they heard from God but didn't or they just meant well. But no, God confirmed that word for me by 2 different people in 2 different places at 2 different times that had no relation to each other.
I have no idea how that will play out, and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm so grateful to have a God that gives you something bigger than you thought possible. Right now I'm just really debating what to do with my future. Whether to finish school after my DTS or try to go on staff with YWAM or possibly follow Dustin and Jamie's ministry.
There is such a strong anointing at the Harvest Church in both the church and the mvmnt. I am so incredibly blessed. I just can't get over it.
:] more another time.
<3 rachel
PS I GOT A TATTOO!
It says "wisdom" in hebrew and its written on my ribs on my right side.
I was the only staff member on the bus, which I didn't really mind, because it made me feel all responsible :] but our bus driver took the wrong turn off the interstate and ended up in Edom, TX when we were supposed to be in Van. He basically went 30minutes the wrong direction, so we got to the camp an hour later than expected.
We got to camp and realized the electricity was out. No heat, no lights, no water running out of the automatic faucets. We had a generator so we were able to have a couple lights set up and we borrowed the heaters from their reptiles building. It was cool bc during the worship it was so stripped down. The students were creating the atmosphere. They had to worship on their own without a big band leading them.
It was pretty cold and the generators were giving out so we eventually moved to a hotel in Tyler, TX. I had 4 girls in my room and I had 2 other rooms I was in charge of, it was fun :] I really loved getting to know the girls better. And when it came time for the service....God showed up so much. There was such a spirit of celebration and breakthrough. Students were pressing in and God did amazing things. Kids were set free from demonic strongholds, healed of breathing problems, etc. I was so blessed to be a part of it.
Not to mention it was hilarious to lead 100 kids across an intersections 4 times on the way to and back from chick fil a and mcdonalds. CRAZINESS!!!
The bus was 2 hours late and I finally got home only to rush to work to work for 5 hours. I was completely exhausted. Breaking down to the point of tears several times in the night. hahaha ohhh yeah it was ridiculous
But despite the craziness of the week, God spoke to ME.
Pastor Lawrence prayed over us as a staff and gave words to each member. He spoke over me that I was coming into a place of establishment with my faith. A walk of consistency and maturity. He also said I had a gift of healing and that I would lay hands on girls who had been broken and abused or had been robbed from and they would be made whole physically and emotionally.
The crazy thing is that 3 years ago a youth staff member at a camp I went to spoke the same word over me. That I had the gift of healing.
I didn't really take it seriously the first time. I didn't know what it meant and I thought it was just someone who thought they heard from God but didn't or they just meant well. But no, God confirmed that word for me by 2 different people in 2 different places at 2 different times that had no relation to each other.
I have no idea how that will play out, and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm so grateful to have a God that gives you something bigger than you thought possible. Right now I'm just really debating what to do with my future. Whether to finish school after my DTS or try to go on staff with YWAM or possibly follow Dustin and Jamie's ministry.
There is such a strong anointing at the Harvest Church in both the church and the mvmnt. I am so incredibly blessed. I just can't get over it.
:] more another time.
<3 rachel
PS I GOT A TATTOO!
It says "wisdom" in hebrew and its written on my ribs on my right side.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
too powerful
So right now, I am sitting the CCCC computer lab, because I got bored and came here an hour early. I'm listening to a little Bon Iver, which is pretty legit. Check out Skinny Love, if you haven't listened to them before.
Its raining right now, and its dark outside. It just reminds me of how I cannot wait to get my glasses because I hate driving at night and I hate driving in the rain, and I can barely see road signs as it is...so I was legit nervous as I was driving.
I was literally quoting scripture the entire time, haha. I love the rain when I'm safe inside and I'm just listening to it, because its peaceful...but being out in it, is not quite as much fun.
like I used to hate the ocean because when I was little I was on my knees chilling at the very edge of the water where the waves would come in and out...and one time a big wave came up and i put my head down and it was so strong that I couldn't pull my head back up for a while and it scared me so bad. Like I didn't really start liking the ocean until a few summers ago when I went with my Epicquest group after I went to Russia.
I don't know what it is about a lot of water... I don't know. Nature scares me. Its beautiful to look at and experience, unless it goes wrong... when nature attacks, thats the scariest thing ever. You can't do anything to stop it. Its where things go above man's ability to make things right.
I kinda like that though. Like even if man has all this technology and all this stuff that supposedly is going to fix us all and be the next best thing, the very original "awesome", the earth that God created, has so much power in itself that you can't even begin to stop it. Can you stop an earthquake? Can you stop a tsunami? Can you stop a hurricane? No, you can't. and over and over again in the Bible they refer to God by comparing him to the earth. Mountains, thunder, all sorts of things.
So it kind of puts in in perspective for me to think about God in the same way that I think about the earth. You cannot stop God. He is too strong, too powerful. You may try to do all you can to resist him, but you cannot leave his presence unaffected.
How beautiful is that?
How perfect is that imagery?
maybe thats where the fear of God comes into play. That deep reverence...but maybe even a literal fear. A nervousness that knowing when God comes you cannot be unchanged. Its too magnificant.
How great is that.
I think far too many people view Christianity as a passive faith. Full of love, grace, mercy, and good deeds...which is definitely true, but at the same time it is full of POWER. Thats whats been missing from today's Christianity. People are not recognizing the awesome power of our God. They are not seeing that God has the power to transform by his power alone. Its not just about God loving someone so much that they finally feel accepted. Its God's power to take a dying man and make him whole. To take a sinner and someone so lost in their own ways that they are far too stubborn to listen to man's reason...to take that person and turn him into a man after Gods own heart. To protect, to save, to rescue... those are active words. Those are fighting words. and I think God is desiring us to start treating our salvation as a tool. As a weapon. to have a warrior mentality. what good is our faith if we keep telling people cliche things they don't understand without showing them something they know is real...without giving them that opportunity to understand that God is WORTH being served. Its not about loving everyone and being good so we get to heaven. Its about living above reproach and emulating Christ in order to be a platform that others can look to and see a life transformed by God. to see someone who is living abundantly, someone who is seeing breakthrough in their life. Someone who is filled with joy and power. Someone who is completely content regardless of their situation. That person that you don't hear complain about every act of injustice. Life. is. unfair. thats how it is. Everyone can recognize that. things happen that we don't understand, but that is just all the more reason to put your hope in God, because then you might have the shot of making it through. You might be able to stand strong while those around you crumble in their disappointment and anger.
You know!?!
I don't know why I'm just going on this tirade. I've just been thinking...Bon Iver is good reflecting music :] and so is the dimly lit hallways of an almost empty CCCC. This blog was pretty random. It wasn't so much about me... I don't know. I think whenever I used to write blogs in the past all of them happened when God put something on my heart to share. something where I was reaching out and sharing. This whole blogging experience has been about me just getting my voice out and letting out my thoughts. So I guess it was just a matter of time before I started preaching on this thing. :]
hmmm...kinda like standing in an empty church preaching to empty pews, but hoping someone will overhear from the room over and be impacted.
kinda like that :]
-Rachel
Its raining right now, and its dark outside. It just reminds me of how I cannot wait to get my glasses because I hate driving at night and I hate driving in the rain, and I can barely see road signs as it is...so I was legit nervous as I was driving.
I was literally quoting scripture the entire time, haha. I love the rain when I'm safe inside and I'm just listening to it, because its peaceful...but being out in it, is not quite as much fun.
like I used to hate the ocean because when I was little I was on my knees chilling at the very edge of the water where the waves would come in and out...and one time a big wave came up and i put my head down and it was so strong that I couldn't pull my head back up for a while and it scared me so bad. Like I didn't really start liking the ocean until a few summers ago when I went with my Epicquest group after I went to Russia.
I don't know what it is about a lot of water... I don't know. Nature scares me. Its beautiful to look at and experience, unless it goes wrong... when nature attacks, thats the scariest thing ever. You can't do anything to stop it. Its where things go above man's ability to make things right.
I kinda like that though. Like even if man has all this technology and all this stuff that supposedly is going to fix us all and be the next best thing, the very original "awesome", the earth that God created, has so much power in itself that you can't even begin to stop it. Can you stop an earthquake? Can you stop a tsunami? Can you stop a hurricane? No, you can't. and over and over again in the Bible they refer to God by comparing him to the earth. Mountains, thunder, all sorts of things.
So it kind of puts in in perspective for me to think about God in the same way that I think about the earth. You cannot stop God. He is too strong, too powerful. You may try to do all you can to resist him, but you cannot leave his presence unaffected.
How beautiful is that?
How perfect is that imagery?
maybe thats where the fear of God comes into play. That deep reverence...but maybe even a literal fear. A nervousness that knowing when God comes you cannot be unchanged. Its too magnificant.
How great is that.
I think far too many people view Christianity as a passive faith. Full of love, grace, mercy, and good deeds...which is definitely true, but at the same time it is full of POWER. Thats whats been missing from today's Christianity. People are not recognizing the awesome power of our God. They are not seeing that God has the power to transform by his power alone. Its not just about God loving someone so much that they finally feel accepted. Its God's power to take a dying man and make him whole. To take a sinner and someone so lost in their own ways that they are far too stubborn to listen to man's reason...to take that person and turn him into a man after Gods own heart. To protect, to save, to rescue... those are active words. Those are fighting words. and I think God is desiring us to start treating our salvation as a tool. As a weapon. to have a warrior mentality. what good is our faith if we keep telling people cliche things they don't understand without showing them something they know is real...without giving them that opportunity to understand that God is WORTH being served. Its not about loving everyone and being good so we get to heaven. Its about living above reproach and emulating Christ in order to be a platform that others can look to and see a life transformed by God. to see someone who is living abundantly, someone who is seeing breakthrough in their life. Someone who is filled with joy and power. Someone who is completely content regardless of their situation. That person that you don't hear complain about every act of injustice. Life. is. unfair. thats how it is. Everyone can recognize that. things happen that we don't understand, but that is just all the more reason to put your hope in God, because then you might have the shot of making it through. You might be able to stand strong while those around you crumble in their disappointment and anger.
You know!?!
I don't know why I'm just going on this tirade. I've just been thinking...Bon Iver is good reflecting music :] and so is the dimly lit hallways of an almost empty CCCC. This blog was pretty random. It wasn't so much about me... I don't know. I think whenever I used to write blogs in the past all of them happened when God put something on my heart to share. something where I was reaching out and sharing. This whole blogging experience has been about me just getting my voice out and letting out my thoughts. So I guess it was just a matter of time before I started preaching on this thing. :]
hmmm...kinda like standing in an empty church preaching to empty pews, but hoping someone will overhear from the room over and be impacted.
kinda like that :]
-Rachel
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
every good path
Oh life.
I started school and I feel like my classes are going to be somewhat difficult. Biology is extremely boring and my lab is 3 hours long and Drama has a lot of extra outside of school work. i feel like school this year will keep me busy.
I'm looking for a new job, because I am not getting enough hours at Borders. I was scheduled 10hours for the next 2 weeks. Thats not even $100 in a week. I'm seriously feeling desperate, because I have all these things I need money for. I just wanted to save money and live comfortably...and then Cassie started tearing holes in the wall in the laundry room so I had to buy her an $80 crate and I had to overspend my checking and dig into my savings which really makes me mad, because I really didnt want to have to do that...and I have several things I need to pay for coming up, so we'll see how that goes.
I turned 19 on Monday. On Sunday night my Move Group girls made me a cake and got me a present, and it was such a blessing. I was surprised and it definitely made my Birthday. It was one of those super nice gestures that you don't expect, but it definitely makes you feel good. :]
I had a pretty low key birthday... on Sunday I went out to BJs with the fam after church, which has definitely become my favorite restaurant. I had a couple people wish me happy birthday, but not really much else. I was fine just chilling, but I always feel like you expect something exciting to happen on your birthday and it never does. Like I always try to make my friends feel special on their birthday and get them something I know they'll like...but its cool. ha
I went to the PineCove interview tonight, and didn't find out til afterward that they had already hired their summer staff. So there isn't even a chance I'd get it.
Thats pretty disappointing to me. I don't know what to do with my summer now. I don't have a way to make money, and I can't really do a big missions trip if I need to be saving for my DTS.
I'm in a pretty down mood right now. I had been pretty upbeat the last couple of days, but now I'm not feeling very optimistic. I guess I need to start applying what I'm preaching in my move group. We're reading Proverbs and it says,
"He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path. "
I can only believe that God is guarding my course and that he will show me another good path to take.
mmm if only it was so easy to just let it go and trust God. But reading that verse in Proverbs again is encouraging and refreshing to me, because it reminds me that God is faithful and he promises to protect and guide me. :]
OH and I went to the eye doctor today, and I got glasses. So I may end up being an glasses wearer now. (especially bc I accidentally picked out frames that were a little too expensive and I promised my mom I would actually wear them) They're cute though and they definitely help me read things at a distance! So I'll be able to drive at night and sit in the back of the classroom without difficulty!
:]
-Rachel
I started school and I feel like my classes are going to be somewhat difficult. Biology is extremely boring and my lab is 3 hours long and Drama has a lot of extra outside of school work. i feel like school this year will keep me busy.
I'm looking for a new job, because I am not getting enough hours at Borders. I was scheduled 10hours for the next 2 weeks. Thats not even $100 in a week. I'm seriously feeling desperate, because I have all these things I need money for. I just wanted to save money and live comfortably...and then Cassie started tearing holes in the wall in the laundry room so I had to buy her an $80 crate and I had to overspend my checking and dig into my savings which really makes me mad, because I really didnt want to have to do that...and I have several things I need to pay for coming up, so we'll see how that goes.
I turned 19 on Monday. On Sunday night my Move Group girls made me a cake and got me a present, and it was such a blessing. I was surprised and it definitely made my Birthday. It was one of those super nice gestures that you don't expect, but it definitely makes you feel good. :]
I had a pretty low key birthday... on Sunday I went out to BJs with the fam after church, which has definitely become my favorite restaurant. I had a couple people wish me happy birthday, but not really much else. I was fine just chilling, but I always feel like you expect something exciting to happen on your birthday and it never does. Like I always try to make my friends feel special on their birthday and get them something I know they'll like...but its cool. ha
I went to the PineCove interview tonight, and didn't find out til afterward that they had already hired their summer staff. So there isn't even a chance I'd get it.
Thats pretty disappointing to me. I don't know what to do with my summer now. I don't have a way to make money, and I can't really do a big missions trip if I need to be saving for my DTS.
I'm in a pretty down mood right now. I had been pretty upbeat the last couple of days, but now I'm not feeling very optimistic. I guess I need to start applying what I'm preaching in my move group. We're reading Proverbs and it says,
"He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path. "
I can only believe that God is guarding my course and that he will show me another good path to take.
mmm if only it was so easy to just let it go and trust God. But reading that verse in Proverbs again is encouraging and refreshing to me, because it reminds me that God is faithful and he promises to protect and guide me. :]
OH and I went to the eye doctor today, and I got glasses. So I may end up being an glasses wearer now. (especially bc I accidentally picked out frames that were a little too expensive and I promised my mom I would actually wear them) They're cute though and they definitely help me read things at a distance! So I'll be able to drive at night and sit in the back of the classroom without difficulty!
:]
-Rachel
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
turn your ear and apply your heart.
So I decided that I am going to become more wise. I'm reading proverbs with my move group girls, and I figure there is no point in helping them understand it if I'm not living it out on my own.
Proverbs 2: 2-5
Turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.
My goal is to understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. I may be doing a DTS in September, but I'm not waiting til then to get more intimate in my walk with God. Part of being wise is listening to wise council "turning your ear" and "applying your heart." On Sunday, Pastor Steve gave some simple ways to make sure God is always put first. A lot of them I felt like I already did, but then it really hit me that I need to give God the first of my day. Regardless of if I spend time with God later or not, the first moments in my day need to be given to God. I'm supposed to walk with him all throughout my day not just set time aside for him for I can squeeze Him in, and starting my day with him puts me in that mindset so I think of Him more readily.
I really felt like God was wanting me to just get up early this morning and spend time with him before going throughout my day, with no pressure to be somewhere. I definitely feel the difference. Today I feel so much more alive. Yesterday I was just in a weird tired funk. I also started today with a couple cups of tea haha. Not having coffee anymore has really taken its toll on me, I am sleepy all the time. Today I wanted to start making some headway. I went to school and took Speech, which was pretty awesome. and then I came home and took Cassie on a walk (which she did successfully) then we went to get one of her staples taken out, then we went to the dog park, and now I'm just chilling and watching House. :]
I'm also going to start eating healthier again. I have so let myself go lol
I need to get back into the routine of working out and eating right. I was doing real good for a couple months, but then I just started feeling sorry for myself or something and I stopped. The better I feel about myself, the better I take care of myself. Hmm.
Okay welllllll I'm going to finish watching House :]
Proverbs 2: 2-5
Turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.
My goal is to understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. I may be doing a DTS in September, but I'm not waiting til then to get more intimate in my walk with God. Part of being wise is listening to wise council "turning your ear" and "applying your heart." On Sunday, Pastor Steve gave some simple ways to make sure God is always put first. A lot of them I felt like I already did, but then it really hit me that I need to give God the first of my day. Regardless of if I spend time with God later or not, the first moments in my day need to be given to God. I'm supposed to walk with him all throughout my day not just set time aside for him for I can squeeze Him in, and starting my day with him puts me in that mindset so I think of Him more readily.
I really felt like God was wanting me to just get up early this morning and spend time with him before going throughout my day, with no pressure to be somewhere. I definitely feel the difference. Today I feel so much more alive. Yesterday I was just in a weird tired funk. I also started today with a couple cups of tea haha. Not having coffee anymore has really taken its toll on me, I am sleepy all the time. Today I wanted to start making some headway. I went to school and took Speech, which was pretty awesome. and then I came home and took Cassie on a walk (which she did successfully) then we went to get one of her staples taken out, then we went to the dog park, and now I'm just chilling and watching House. :]
I'm also going to start eating healthier again. I have so let myself go lol
I need to get back into the routine of working out and eating right. I was doing real good for a couple months, but then I just started feeling sorry for myself or something and I stopped. The better I feel about myself, the better I take care of myself. Hmm.
Okay welllllll I'm going to finish watching House :]
Friday, January 15, 2010
glass houses
So the other night I had a dream that I was living in a glass house, and people were walking by on the street looking and browsing at all my stuff. At first I was offended and I was feeling like "what right do these people have to be looking at all my stuff!" and so I started trying to hide everything, which didnt work out at all. The more I tried to hide stuff, the more stuff kept popping up everywhere. Then I noticed all these children were walking by and I was getting nervous because I was feeling like "i really hope I don't have anything that would be bad for these kids to see" So I started cleaning out my room, and I threw stuff out and made sure my room was really clean, and I wasn't just hiding stuff. Then people started throwing their bodies at my house and they started breaking through the glass and taking all my stuff. then I woke up.
I didn't think much about this dream, but God has continually brought this to my memory. I feel like its a reflection of my life.
The glass house is my life, and I went through a time where I was really rebellious and I didn't want anyone to see my life. And then I went through a time where I was really ashamed of myself and I didn't want people to see who I really was. Then I went through a time of repentance where I got rid of the sin in my life. And now I feel like I'm coming into a time of break through. Where people will see me and want what I have. Not hiding anything, just living purely and listening to the voice of God.
and this made me really excited. I am looking forward to this next phase in my life :] But it definitely makes me want to live a life so I am above reproach. Its a challenge and an encouragement at the same time.
Take it for what you will.
I didn't think much about this dream, but God has continually brought this to my memory. I feel like its a reflection of my life.
The glass house is my life, and I went through a time where I was really rebellious and I didn't want anyone to see my life. And then I went through a time where I was really ashamed of myself and I didn't want people to see who I really was. Then I went through a time of repentance where I got rid of the sin in my life. And now I feel like I'm coming into a time of break through. Where people will see me and want what I have. Not hiding anything, just living purely and listening to the voice of God.
and this made me really excited. I am looking forward to this next phase in my life :] But it definitely makes me want to live a life so I am above reproach. Its a challenge and an encouragement at the same time.
Take it for what you will.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Decoding God
So last night and today was pretty eventful.
Josh was feeling pretty sick and he was throwing up, and we just thought it was the flu or something. But then he got severe stomach pain and we took him to the ER. We discovered it was a problem with his gall bladder. They thought they were going to have to remove it, but then they decided not to. Praise God he is home now and on the road to recovery.
I went and saw the movie Heath Ledger was filming whenever he died, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. It was SO good. I would definitely recommend it. I had no idea what the plot was about when I went into it, but it was really easy to get into and I truly enjoyed it. It had an interesting perspective that made me think.
I also saw Avatar, which was very legit. I thought it'd be nerdy, but I actually thought it was pretty cool. I mean it had an interesting worldview behind it, but I found it intriguing.
So now I've been wondering what the limits on my "no TV" fast is. I have figured movies out with friends are okay, because I don't want to make things awkward for them or to talk about it all the time. Like idk...I don't want to be like a Pharisee that boasts about my religious actions all the time, its supposed to be a personal thing between me and God. Granted, it is harder to privately give up something like Facebook, because other people notice it is deactivated and people ask questions, but regardless I feel its effective. I mean there is only so much I can do online without facebook, and if I'm on the computer, I recognize that I'm just wasting time without doing anything and that I should just put my computer aside and pick up my Bible. Its only been 2 full days, but I'm feeling like God is going to use this time.
I feel like there is a point that God is trying to make to me, and I'm exactly sure how it pertains to me yet. I sort of mentioned it in my last post, but after that I found another verse that went right along with it, and I'm just trying to figure it out.
First the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20, where the Lord was with the people and their enemies were confused and destroyed themselves
Second Isaiah 43:14 "This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:"For your sake I will send to Babylon and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians,in the ships in which they took pride."
Lastly
Proverbs 1:18-19 "These men lie in wait for their own blood; they waylay only themselves! Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it."
What I'm seeing in these verses is that the things that you desire will be your demise. The Lord was with the Israelites, and their enemies who wished to destroy them, destroyed each other instead. The Lord was with the Israelites and he promised to destroy the Babylonians using the very thing they prided themselves in, and in Proverbs the desires of the foolish man leads to his destruction. I can't tell whether I'm supposed to view this as a promise or a warning.
Am I supposed to use this as a reminder to be sure to not let my foolish desires destroy me, or am I supposed to feel comforted that those who come against me will be brought down by their own foolishness. Or is it a reminder that it is only by God's favor that I am not destroyed. That he is the reason I haven't been totally defeated. Or should I acknowledge all of those possible lessons?
We'll see. I don't know exactly what this all pertains to, but I am definitely feeling strengthened in my will and self control. I thank God for that. Thats what I really want to work on this year. I want to be strong. Not physically, but spiritually. I want to be less led by my emotions or misconceptions and walk my faith with strength and boldness and the confidence that God's hand is on my life and I need to live out what I want others to see in me.
love for all :]
-Rachel
Josh was feeling pretty sick and he was throwing up, and we just thought it was the flu or something. But then he got severe stomach pain and we took him to the ER. We discovered it was a problem with his gall bladder. They thought they were going to have to remove it, but then they decided not to. Praise God he is home now and on the road to recovery.
I went and saw the movie Heath Ledger was filming whenever he died, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. It was SO good. I would definitely recommend it. I had no idea what the plot was about when I went into it, but it was really easy to get into and I truly enjoyed it. It had an interesting perspective that made me think.
I also saw Avatar, which was very legit. I thought it'd be nerdy, but I actually thought it was pretty cool. I mean it had an interesting worldview behind it, but I found it intriguing.
So now I've been wondering what the limits on my "no TV" fast is. I have figured movies out with friends are okay, because I don't want to make things awkward for them or to talk about it all the time. Like idk...I don't want to be like a Pharisee that boasts about my religious actions all the time, its supposed to be a personal thing between me and God. Granted, it is harder to privately give up something like Facebook, because other people notice it is deactivated and people ask questions, but regardless I feel its effective. I mean there is only so much I can do online without facebook, and if I'm on the computer, I recognize that I'm just wasting time without doing anything and that I should just put my computer aside and pick up my Bible. Its only been 2 full days, but I'm feeling like God is going to use this time.
I feel like there is a point that God is trying to make to me, and I'm exactly sure how it pertains to me yet. I sort of mentioned it in my last post, but after that I found another verse that went right along with it, and I'm just trying to figure it out.
First the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20, where the Lord was with the people and their enemies were confused and destroyed themselves
Second Isaiah 43:14 "This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:"For your sake I will send to Babylon and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians,in the ships in which they took pride."
Lastly
Proverbs 1:18-19 "These men lie in wait for their own blood; they waylay only themselves! Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it."
What I'm seeing in these verses is that the things that you desire will be your demise. The Lord was with the Israelites, and their enemies who wished to destroy them, destroyed each other instead. The Lord was with the Israelites and he promised to destroy the Babylonians using the very thing they prided themselves in, and in Proverbs the desires of the foolish man leads to his destruction. I can't tell whether I'm supposed to view this as a promise or a warning.
Am I supposed to use this as a reminder to be sure to not let my foolish desires destroy me, or am I supposed to feel comforted that those who come against me will be brought down by their own foolishness. Or is it a reminder that it is only by God's favor that I am not destroyed. That he is the reason I haven't been totally defeated. Or should I acknowledge all of those possible lessons?
We'll see. I don't know exactly what this all pertains to, but I am definitely feeling strengthened in my will and self control. I thank God for that. Thats what I really want to work on this year. I want to be strong. Not physically, but spiritually. I want to be less led by my emotions or misconceptions and walk my faith with strength and boldness and the confidence that God's hand is on my life and I need to live out what I want others to see in me.
love for all :]
-Rachel
Sunday, January 10, 2010
a year of surrender
So Today we are starting a 21 Day fast at the Harvest, and I am feeling pretty serious about it. Usually I kinda ignore these church wide things without really participating, but I felt like it was about time I start acting as a member in the church. I am so excited to see breakthrough in my life. I'm looking forward to God just pouring out his wisdom and provision on me.
So here is the plan.
-I'm giving up Facebook for 3 weeks
-I'm giving up coffee for 3 weeks
-I'm fasting from food entirely on Wednesdays
-I'll give something different up for each week too. This week I'm fasting from TV.
I've been so tempted to just give up everything...whatever it takes. But I know its not about the actual act of giving something up, its about refocusing on God and listening to his voice. So instead of Facebook being my homepage, I made it my blog. Because I enjoy writing, and i want to record what God is showing me. I could do this in a journal or a Word document or something, but I don't know. I'm putting it here.
This is my journal more or less. I don't like writing things down by hand because my hand gets tired and I summarize things to get done with it.
So far let me tell you what God has said to me for 2010.
-He told me this year is a year of surrender. Where I need to let go of the things I've held onto dearest. My plans, my time, my relationships. I need to let go, and allow him to move me.
-He told me to find my sources of pride and get my priorities in line. In Isaiah 43 it says "For your sake, I will send to Babylon and take down as fugitives all the Babylonians in the ships in which they took pride." It reminded me that 1) The things which I take pride in can be used for my downfall and 2) Like Pastor Steve said when he talked about the story of Jehosaphat when the enemy was confused and destroyed itself, my enemy will be his own downfall. This time of praying and fasting will definitely be a time for me to identify those things and give them over to God.
-He told me that I am far too passive about sharing my faith. I need to be so much more vocal. The Holy Spirit will work for itself. It doesn't need my words or my actions to get the point across. Meaning, I need to stop being so scared that I'll say the wrong thing and people will be turned off to Christ. I need to walk and talk in faith and allow the Spirit to do it's work. The power of Christ is compelling itself, and I need to be that much more bold about sharing it.
-I need to live consistently. I need accountability. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and own up to my own actions without excuses. I need to make more time for God and stop giving myself a pat on the back for any semi-Christ-like thing I do. (That was a hard word to hear)
I'll be updating this as I go, but if you read this...just pray that God works through this time of praying and fasting and that I will use this time effectively and really give God my best.
So here is the plan.
-I'm giving up Facebook for 3 weeks
-I'm giving up coffee for 3 weeks
-I'm fasting from food entirely on Wednesdays
-I'll give something different up for each week too. This week I'm fasting from TV.
I've been so tempted to just give up everything...whatever it takes. But I know its not about the actual act of giving something up, its about refocusing on God and listening to his voice. So instead of Facebook being my homepage, I made it my blog. Because I enjoy writing, and i want to record what God is showing me. I could do this in a journal or a Word document or something, but I don't know. I'm putting it here.
This is my journal more or less. I don't like writing things down by hand because my hand gets tired and I summarize things to get done with it.
So far let me tell you what God has said to me for 2010.
-He told me this year is a year of surrender. Where I need to let go of the things I've held onto dearest. My plans, my time, my relationships. I need to let go, and allow him to move me.
-He told me to find my sources of pride and get my priorities in line. In Isaiah 43 it says "For your sake, I will send to Babylon and take down as fugitives all the Babylonians in the ships in which they took pride." It reminded me that 1) The things which I take pride in can be used for my downfall and 2) Like Pastor Steve said when he talked about the story of Jehosaphat when the enemy was confused and destroyed itself, my enemy will be his own downfall. This time of praying and fasting will definitely be a time for me to identify those things and give them over to God.
-He told me that I am far too passive about sharing my faith. I need to be so much more vocal. The Holy Spirit will work for itself. It doesn't need my words or my actions to get the point across. Meaning, I need to stop being so scared that I'll say the wrong thing and people will be turned off to Christ. I need to walk and talk in faith and allow the Spirit to do it's work. The power of Christ is compelling itself, and I need to be that much more bold about sharing it.
-I need to live consistently. I need accountability. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and own up to my own actions without excuses. I need to make more time for God and stop giving myself a pat on the back for any semi-Christ-like thing I do. (That was a hard word to hear)
I'll be updating this as I go, but if you read this...just pray that God works through this time of praying and fasting and that I will use this time effectively and really give God my best.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Vision
I haven't really written in a while. I've been so busy with finals and then work, that whenever I've had time to myself I want to chill...and idk, I just haven't updated this thing. I'm so excited about 2010. I've never been one to really be all excited about each new year, but this year I'm ready for something great.
I decided I'm going to do my YWAM DTS in Orlando this upcoming September. I feel a strong confidence that that is what God wants me to do, and I am very excited for it. I'm also strongly considering being a camp counselor at Pinecove this summer with a couple friends of mine. I am passionate about youth, and I am looking forward to being able to invest in kids lives. So I would be serving and doing something I love and also I'd be making money without really spending any, which I would use towards my DTS. I'm planning on saving a good amount of the money myself, and God seems to be opening doors for me to earn money, which is something I find so incredible.
God really has been telling me this year I need to surrender it all to Him. I'm too much of a control freak myself, and I need to let it go and really let my faith be my strong point. I want to go all in, without having a scapegoat just in case. I was praying and pleading with God for direction in my life, and I feel like God has just poured inspiration and vision on me. I am so much more motivated and positive about life right now because I AM going somewhere, and I am NOT stuck in a rut. God has the wheels turning :]
It does make me kind of sad though, because right now I am planted in the Harvest, which I love. and I will be completing the school year and most of the summer with them, but I have my Move Group of girls that I love, and if I'm gone for 5 weeks at the beginning of the summer at Pinecove and then leaving for 6months in september, they're out of a move group leader for a while. I need to make sure my priorites are straight, and I'll need to figure out how to handle that whole situation.
But I trust that God has so much more planned than I can even know, and he won't leave me or anyone else dry or without a place.
Such an exciting time right now :]
-Rachel
I decided I'm going to do my YWAM DTS in Orlando this upcoming September. I feel a strong confidence that that is what God wants me to do, and I am very excited for it. I'm also strongly considering being a camp counselor at Pinecove this summer with a couple friends of mine. I am passionate about youth, and I am looking forward to being able to invest in kids lives. So I would be serving and doing something I love and also I'd be making money without really spending any, which I would use towards my DTS. I'm planning on saving a good amount of the money myself, and God seems to be opening doors for me to earn money, which is something I find so incredible.
God really has been telling me this year I need to surrender it all to Him. I'm too much of a control freak myself, and I need to let it go and really let my faith be my strong point. I want to go all in, without having a scapegoat just in case. I was praying and pleading with God for direction in my life, and I feel like God has just poured inspiration and vision on me. I am so much more motivated and positive about life right now because I AM going somewhere, and I am NOT stuck in a rut. God has the wheels turning :]
It does make me kind of sad though, because right now I am planted in the Harvest, which I love. and I will be completing the school year and most of the summer with them, but I have my Move Group of girls that I love, and if I'm gone for 5 weeks at the beginning of the summer at Pinecove and then leaving for 6months in september, they're out of a move group leader for a while. I need to make sure my priorites are straight, and I'll need to figure out how to handle that whole situation.
But I trust that God has so much more planned than I can even know, and he won't leave me or anyone else dry or without a place.
Such an exciting time right now :]
-Rachel
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