My last post was about 2 years ago. If I read through my older blogs I'd be so surprised at how I got to the point I am now. I am so not perfect. These verses in Romans 7, make much more sense to me now than they ever have.
"15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."
I've grown up knowing how I should act and behave, and when I was young, it was easy--everyone was doing it. My friends did the right thing, and I did the right thing. It wasn't a struggle or a battle because I was just going along with the positive peer pressure. However, somewhere along the way, the pressure started to feel a whole lot less positive, and a lot more condemning and manipulative.
If I am being completely honest here, I genuinely want to do the right things and serve God with all my heart. But it is a battle. People around me are not doing the things I was raised to do. I struggle constantly with being an independent, young, college student, who is finally experiencing "freedom" and trying to keep that consistent with my faith. I start to question what is really right and what is really wrong. What do I believe? I know Who I believe and Who my faith is founded in, but the expression of that faith gets pretty blurry to me at times. I feel as though a genuine heart that wants to seek to please God should be enough despite imperfections.But I feel as though that isn't always enough in the Christian social sphere.
As hard as I try not to be, I am bitter towards church in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, I know more good, forgiving, kind, Christian families than I can count, but at the same time I look at the "friends" I've had in my life that were supposed to be upholding Christian values and I feel so betrayed and taken advantage of. From my experience, its more likely that I'll meet someone who only wants to get to know me out of curiosity and to make themselves feel better about their own weaknesses than it is for me to find anyone I can be completely honest with and know that whatever they say is in my best interest, and they won't leave me at the first sign of struggle. I know people are flawed... and I just have seen enough of it that I am bitter, discouraged, and lonely. I have two people in my life that I can be completely and honestly myself with. Outside of those two people, I feel like I have to pick an extreme. I either have to pretend to be a wild person with little sense of morality and appeal to one crowd, or I have to put on a mask and act like I am put together and "spiritual" to make others feel more comfortable around me. I just really feel like its not right. We are all human and we all struggle. But in the midst of my struggle I want to do good! I want to please God! Its common in church to say "Come as you are." But I feel like often times I can come with my struggle, but I better clean it up awfully quick before someone actually sees me.
Reminds me of some lyrics in the song "Jesus, Jesus" by Noah Gundersen. "Jesus, Jesus, there are those that say they love you, But they have treated me so -- mean. And I know you said 'Forgive them, for they know not what they do,' but sometimes I think they do."
The whole point of this is that I think a lot of time there is a pressure to put on a public spiritual facade, and to me that just doesn't make sense. If Jesus says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, then Christianity should not feel exhausting to the point where I've felt like I need to push away. I sit here, a human that loves God, that loves others, and wants to change the world...but at the same time, I can't act like I am someone that I am not. And there has to be a place for people like me. My heart wants to do good, and sometimes I set out to do the right thing, and I end up failing or not following through. But my heart wants to be there! I don't think that should omit me from the race. I am running just as hard as everyone else...but I just refuse to act like I'm more put together than I am. Unfortunately, that's left me looking like a failure and disappointment. And it kills me sometimes, but it is the truth. And I wish being honest wasn't such a lonely and vulnerable place, but it is. It leaves me isolated. No one else can see my heart and my desires. No one else can see my regrets and my hopes. No one else can truly know what I feel. But I don't want to walk around feeling duplicitous. I need some sort of middle ground for me to walk through. Not to stay in forever, but to walk and sort things out without being rejected. I just wish I had a safe place to be myself, and love who I love and enjoy what I enjoy, and be free and enjoy life. That's all I really want.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Nothing but a Vessel
Its been a while since I posted last. Life has definitely been transitioning a lot for me.
My last post came when I had recently returned from my YWAM SOMD. Since then I resumed being a full time student with the hopes of becoming a high school english teacher (please do not judge my writing based on this comment...lol), while working 20 hours a week at an office job, while directing the first year of MVMNT Missions and planning a trip for 18 students to go to Thailand. I also am working on maintaining a relationship, which has successfully lasted 8 months and counting, while also balancing family and friends.
I am busier than I have ever been in my whole life. It is SO hard to be emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically split everywhere. There is ALWAYS something I could be doing--whether it be studying, planning, paper-writing, spending time with my family, friends, or Corey, cleaning my room, sleeping, working, organizing, skyping, making phone calls, etc. I am just exhausted. I'm not even looking for pity. I'm just almost amazed and how different life is than I expected. I mean, I expected being busy to just mean I've got stuff to do, and its fun, because I'm being super efficient and what not. But there are so many different emotional tolls being busy takes that I did not expect.
Returning to school hasn't been so bad-- but all the paper writing and group projects have sucked my time dry. I am mentally exhausted. Having professors whose ideas challenge nearly every bone in my body-- that's been frustrating. Having to handle the brunt of the work in a group assignment because I am stuck in a team who is not well equipped to carry out the enormity of an assignment. AKA doing all the research and writing a 28 page paper on that research nearly all by myself. Papers come late at night and deprive me of sleep often times.
Working in an office has its own challenges. Just many details I am expected to remember and keep track of from week to week. I can't just leave work at the office. My brain is responsible for the inner workings of a company in some capacity and when your brain is fried, things are bound to fall through the cracks at times. Nothing I dislike more than making a mistake that negatively impacts someone or something else. And working 20 hours a week may not sound like a lot, but my life is FULL TIME in just about every other area.
MVMNT Missions has been so incredible. To see my brain, heart, and soul child come to life and to see the impact it is having on student's lives. I am hearing about students who are growing in their understanding of God and of themselves. They're growing in unity, and they're willing to serve and just do what it takes. These kids are so tough, and I am unbelievably proud of them. I cannot wait to see how they do in Thailand. I'm also learning that I am not the best leader that ever existed. I am young and inexperienced. I have heart and I have passion, and a lot of ideas and opinions. But I'm having to learn that I'm not always right, and that it is okay to LEARN and not just act like I know the answers. I am serving along side one of my greatest mentors, Jamie Bates. I mean honestly, could God be even better?! Everything I hope to be someday is working right alongside me teaching how to be a leader and letting me do it! I am blown away by the goodness of God!
However, I'm nervous too! Its one of those things where I have to remember that this dream and this vision of MVMNT Missions that I've had is NOT my dream. It is NOT my vision. It is God's. It only exists because God is his grace, is allowing me to carry out something that makes me passionate. And as much as I want to do everything that is in my power for this program to be successful---my efforts are really nothing. So whether I make a mistake every now and then or if I do it all to the best of my ability, all the success belongs to God. That being said, I am nervous to be in such a significant role over so many students. I do not take it lightly that I am being entrusted with students lives and wellbeing.
Just even as I am writing this I feel as though God is just reminding me that they are His first, then their parents, and I get to be an influence on their lives. And as we go to Thailand, it is not me that offers any protection or stability, it is the Spirit of God in me, and in each of the students. I am only a vessel. Man that is powerful!! I've been so worried about wanting to make an impact on each student emotionally and spiritually... and now I am seeing that I am not doing any of the impacting....I'm just the vessel. I cause nothing, but I carry all. I am just the pipe, and God is the living water flowing through to make the impact. Not the other way around. :]
I'm feeling better already. Ha, So instead of carrying on and on in more of a "woe is me" blog. I am going to just end it here and just be blessed that I am nothing but a vessel.
-Rachel
I am busier than I have ever been in my whole life. It is SO hard to be emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically split everywhere. There is ALWAYS something I could be doing--whether it be studying, planning, paper-writing, spending time with my family, friends, or Corey, cleaning my room, sleeping, working, organizing, skyping, making phone calls, etc. I am just exhausted. I'm not even looking for pity. I'm just almost amazed and how different life is than I expected. I mean, I expected being busy to just mean I've got stuff to do, and its fun, because I'm being super efficient and what not. But there are so many different emotional tolls being busy takes that I did not expect.
Returning to school hasn't been so bad-- but all the paper writing and group projects have sucked my time dry. I am mentally exhausted. Having professors whose ideas challenge nearly every bone in my body-- that's been frustrating. Having to handle the brunt of the work in a group assignment because I am stuck in a team who is not well equipped to carry out the enormity of an assignment. AKA doing all the research and writing a 28 page paper on that research nearly all by myself. Papers come late at night and deprive me of sleep often times.
Working in an office has its own challenges. Just many details I am expected to remember and keep track of from week to week. I can't just leave work at the office. My brain is responsible for the inner workings of a company in some capacity and when your brain is fried, things are bound to fall through the cracks at times. Nothing I dislike more than making a mistake that negatively impacts someone or something else. And working 20 hours a week may not sound like a lot, but my life is FULL TIME in just about every other area.
MVMNT Missions has been so incredible. To see my brain, heart, and soul child come to life and to see the impact it is having on student's lives. I am hearing about students who are growing in their understanding of God and of themselves. They're growing in unity, and they're willing to serve and just do what it takes. These kids are so tough, and I am unbelievably proud of them. I cannot wait to see how they do in Thailand. I'm also learning that I am not the best leader that ever existed. I am young and inexperienced. I have heart and I have passion, and a lot of ideas and opinions. But I'm having to learn that I'm not always right, and that it is okay to LEARN and not just act like I know the answers. I am serving along side one of my greatest mentors, Jamie Bates. I mean honestly, could God be even better?! Everything I hope to be someday is working right alongside me teaching how to be a leader and letting me do it! I am blown away by the goodness of God!
However, I'm nervous too! Its one of those things where I have to remember that this dream and this vision of MVMNT Missions that I've had is NOT my dream. It is NOT my vision. It is God's. It only exists because God is his grace, is allowing me to carry out something that makes me passionate. And as much as I want to do everything that is in my power for this program to be successful---my efforts are really nothing. So whether I make a mistake every now and then or if I do it all to the best of my ability, all the success belongs to God. That being said, I am nervous to be in such a significant role over so many students. I do not take it lightly that I am being entrusted with students lives and wellbeing.
Just even as I am writing this I feel as though God is just reminding me that they are His first, then their parents, and I get to be an influence on their lives. And as we go to Thailand, it is not me that offers any protection or stability, it is the Spirit of God in me, and in each of the students. I am only a vessel. Man that is powerful!! I've been so worried about wanting to make an impact on each student emotionally and spiritually... and now I am seeing that I am not doing any of the impacting....I'm just the vessel. I cause nothing, but I carry all. I am just the pipe, and God is the living water flowing through to make the impact. Not the other way around. :]
I'm feeling better already. Ha, So instead of carrying on and on in more of a "woe is me" blog. I am going to just end it here and just be blessed that I am nothing but a vessel.
-Rachel
Sunday, October 23, 2011
She will not fall...
So much for the regular updates, eh?
Life has changed a lot since I wrote my last blog.
I went to Orlando for 3 months, got a boyfriend, and now I have an almost full time office job back in Texas. It is incredible how quickly things change. I feel like my heart is in the process of catching up to my head and body. I am moving and doing and being active, and yet sometimes I feel like my heart is left behind, almost being dragged along by my impulsive nature.
I think I've been in a process of self-discovery. Which I guess you could say life itself is a time of self-discovery. At least for me--I process and analyze and try to figure out why I do the things I do. I try to put myself in a box so I can understand who I really am...and yet sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in a box. As soon as I put myself in a box, I'm scrambling to get out of it. I don't like narrowing down who I am and what I am about. Give me some generalities--and that's good enough for me.
Biggest thing I've had to walk through lately is coming to terms with my identity. Realizing that I need to just embrace being undefined...just to allow myself to BE and not attempt to preform to fit into other people's ideas of who or what I should become. I've wasted a lot of time and effort wanting to be the perfect friend, the perfect leader, the perfect Christian, and perfect daughter. I've wanted to be wanted and desired by everyone. I tried to be a chameleon and fit in with whoever I was with...and I've disappointed myself and others over and over. Turns out not everyone wants me to be the same person. Turns out I can't keep up the charade 24/7. And cramming myself into these boxes, just makes me feel claustrophobic...and I end up frantically trying to escape the box and I end up in a mess. Mistakes left and right. Questionable decisions causing me to constantly feel like I have to explain myself to everyone.
I went to YWAM for my School of Ministry Development, and realized that who I have become is someone wanting to make a change in the world, and yet struggling to get past these fears of rejection, Not wanting to be a disappointment, Hoping I get everyone's stamp of approval, and feeling lost when I don't have it. Now coming back home, I'm feeling lost...I'm feeling unsteady and yet I am holding onto the hope that I know Christ has given me. I am His and His alone. I belong to no one other than Him. I do not care what people throw at me. Sticks and stones, my friends. I have a Father who protects the ones he loves...and it turns out that He really loves me. And the opinions of others need not have a hold on me.
A few months ago, I had this moment with the Lord. One of my top encounters ever. I was outside of my house at YWAM on the phone with Corey...and I just got really emotional. I had to get off the phone and just spend time with the Lord right there on the drive way. I was just overwhelmed. We had a teacher come and he had briefly made a point...and it ended up sticking with me very deeply. He talked about reputation and character.
Reputation-- Who everyone says you are.
Character-- Who God knows you are when no ones looking.
I realized I had been living life attempting to be something great and I had put my reputation over my character. I wanted everyone to think I was something more than I really wanted to be it before God. I was brought to a place of deep deep heartfelt sorrow. I was just weeping. Literally on my knees just bawling...right on my driveway. I was saying "God I am so sorry. I am not a woman of noble character. I've valued the opinions of others more than I've valued yours. Please Please help me." I very clearly heard God speak a couple things to me in that moment.
1. He told me that I've asked him to help me do better and I've asked him to forgive me when I do wrong, but I've never asked him to change me. To make me totally new. ---I spent time then just asking God to change my heart.
2. I heard him say "A woman of noble character who can find? I have found you." I told him...No, no God...I'm not that woman. I want to be so desperately, but I am not who you think I am. Then he told me "Character is found on your knees. You are learning to submit to me. Humble yourself before me and I will lift you up. Character is not something you are born with, it is something you develop--you are in the developing process."
Can I tell you that it does something to you to hear God speak? To be at your lowest low and to hear God tell you that you are being made into something beautiful?
I'm still in this process. I am learning, ever so painfully, my need to submit to my Almighty God. Even writing this blog is stirring my heart to be in a reverent love and awe of my Creator. I don't need to look and be the same way I used to be. I don't need to fit into a mold...I can rest and be at peace knowing that my God loves me, and he is creating something new in my spirit. Ripping apart deep rooted bondage that's held my back for much of my teenage/adult life.
I am about living life to the full. I don't care to sit back and watch others live their lives, nor do I want to live the life others tell me to live! So I am standing confidently (though with fear and trepidation) saying that my life is about more than measuring up to a standard other than the one God has set before me, and I will not settle for life that is content just fitting in and getting by.
"Therefore we will not fear,
though the earth give way...
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day."
-Psalm 46
Life has changed a lot since I wrote my last blog.
I went to Orlando for 3 months, got a boyfriend, and now I have an almost full time office job back in Texas. It is incredible how quickly things change. I feel like my heart is in the process of catching up to my head and body. I am moving and doing and being active, and yet sometimes I feel like my heart is left behind, almost being dragged along by my impulsive nature.
I think I've been in a process of self-discovery. Which I guess you could say life itself is a time of self-discovery. At least for me--I process and analyze and try to figure out why I do the things I do. I try to put myself in a box so I can understand who I really am...and yet sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in a box. As soon as I put myself in a box, I'm scrambling to get out of it. I don't like narrowing down who I am and what I am about. Give me some generalities--and that's good enough for me.
Biggest thing I've had to walk through lately is coming to terms with my identity. Realizing that I need to just embrace being undefined...just to allow myself to BE and not attempt to preform to fit into other people's ideas of who or what I should become. I've wasted a lot of time and effort wanting to be the perfect friend, the perfect leader, the perfect Christian, and perfect daughter. I've wanted to be wanted and desired by everyone. I tried to be a chameleon and fit in with whoever I was with...and I've disappointed myself and others over and over. Turns out not everyone wants me to be the same person. Turns out I can't keep up the charade 24/7. And cramming myself into these boxes, just makes me feel claustrophobic...and I end up frantically trying to escape the box and I end up in a mess. Mistakes left and right. Questionable decisions causing me to constantly feel like I have to explain myself to everyone.
I went to YWAM for my School of Ministry Development, and realized that who I have become is someone wanting to make a change in the world, and yet struggling to get past these fears of rejection, Not wanting to be a disappointment, Hoping I get everyone's stamp of approval, and feeling lost when I don't have it. Now coming back home, I'm feeling lost...I'm feeling unsteady and yet I am holding onto the hope that I know Christ has given me. I am His and His alone. I belong to no one other than Him. I do not care what people throw at me. Sticks and stones, my friends. I have a Father who protects the ones he loves...and it turns out that He really loves me. And the opinions of others need not have a hold on me.
A few months ago, I had this moment with the Lord. One of my top encounters ever. I was outside of my house at YWAM on the phone with Corey...and I just got really emotional. I had to get off the phone and just spend time with the Lord right there on the drive way. I was just overwhelmed. We had a teacher come and he had briefly made a point...and it ended up sticking with me very deeply. He talked about reputation and character.
Reputation-- Who everyone says you are.
Character-- Who God knows you are when no ones looking.
I realized I had been living life attempting to be something great and I had put my reputation over my character. I wanted everyone to think I was something more than I really wanted to be it before God. I was brought to a place of deep deep heartfelt sorrow. I was just weeping. Literally on my knees just bawling...right on my driveway. I was saying "God I am so sorry. I am not a woman of noble character. I've valued the opinions of others more than I've valued yours. Please Please help me." I very clearly heard God speak a couple things to me in that moment.
1. He told me that I've asked him to help me do better and I've asked him to forgive me when I do wrong, but I've never asked him to change me. To make me totally new. ---I spent time then just asking God to change my heart.
2. I heard him say "A woman of noble character who can find? I have found you." I told him...No, no God...I'm not that woman. I want to be so desperately, but I am not who you think I am. Then he told me "Character is found on your knees. You are learning to submit to me. Humble yourself before me and I will lift you up. Character is not something you are born with, it is something you develop--you are in the developing process."
Can I tell you that it does something to you to hear God speak? To be at your lowest low and to hear God tell you that you are being made into something beautiful?
I'm still in this process. I am learning, ever so painfully, my need to submit to my Almighty God. Even writing this blog is stirring my heart to be in a reverent love and awe of my Creator. I don't need to look and be the same way I used to be. I don't need to fit into a mold...I can rest and be at peace knowing that my God loves me, and he is creating something new in my spirit. Ripping apart deep rooted bondage that's held my back for much of my teenage/adult life.
I am about living life to the full. I don't care to sit back and watch others live their lives, nor do I want to live the life others tell me to live! So I am standing confidently (though with fear and trepidation) saying that my life is about more than measuring up to a standard other than the one God has set before me, and I will not settle for life that is content just fitting in and getting by.
"Therefore we will not fear,
though the earth give way...
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day."
-Psalm 46
Friday, June 10, 2011
Its More than Just Salvation
Living the good life and staying away from the bad shouldn't be the driving force of your life. Life itself is a journey of ups and downs. There are times that circumstances take you to a negative place, where you are completely out of control. There are times that consequences of bad decisions take you to another negative place, and there are times that life just gets overwhelming. Sometimes there is no reason to back up the way you feel, but you just feel down. Or the same could be said the other way. Sometimes it just seems like the world is on your side, and everything goes right. You're having endless opportunity or that your hard work is paying off, or that you're getting by without facing immediate consequences to your bad decisions. Either way, there are times that life seems good, and times that it seems bad... but its really all a matter of perspective.
There is always good present. You can choose to disregard it, or ignore it, but good is always there. Sometimes its easy to take it upon yourself to be at a zen place in your life. Where the good and the bad somewhat cancel each other out, or when the good slightly overshadows the bad...but life isn't meant to be lived in a place with zero conflict.
Conflict happens. You can choose to avoid it, and stay stagnant, unchanged, unfulfilled, and somewhat emotionless, or you can take it as an opportunity to learn, grow, mature, and appreciate the moments where conflict is removed. I think I've gone through some seasons of my life where everything is so good...that any one bad thing just really throws me off. I get all bent out of shape when any type of conflict invades my little bubble. Someone wrongs you, or disagrees with you, or you can't afford to do all the things you want to do, and for me...its easy for me to get real down on myself because of those things.
But God has just been showing me that its not about living a life free from tension. LIFE is LIFE. And its not about me doing all the right things to stay a "zen" state of mind. I love this quote from Galatians 5 in the Message
"But what happens if we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance for life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."
I love it, because it puts plainly what a life lead by the Spirit will bring you in a very practical day to day sense. And note it says that HE brings these gifts. Serenity and excitement for life are gifts that God gives us. This passage just really says everything I want my life to be about. man...a willingness to stick with things? Can you imagine how different the world would be if everyone would just stick with their marriages? Honestly, a whole family bringing forth whole individuals. There would be a lot less pain in the world if people would choose to live the life God has for them. Its not all about rules...its about LOVE.
To fall in love with Jesus. I used to think I would never be at a place where I was truly dependent on God. I thought I would always have to strive to love him more. That I would never actually desire him and it would just always be a fight...or a burden. I don't know where the change took place...but it did. Apart from Jesus I am nothing. I don't know who I am, I don't know my purpose or my calling. If Jesus weren't a part of my life...my life would be 100% different. I am serious. The friends I choose, the places I invest my time, my money, my attention. The qualities I look for in a future spouse, my aspirations for the next several years. The way I view myself...if I didn't know Jesus, none of that would be the same. I wouldn't be fulfilled. It just really burdens me for the people out there that don't know Jesus. Jesus CHANGED whatever my life could have been without him, to something incredible. Its not just about salvation in eternity...its about salvation in LIFE!
Life is so crazy...without the promise of God to bring peace and serenity...there is no peace. Wow, think about it? There is no PEACE outside of God. The world will offer things to escape, numb, or disguise pain in this life...but Jesus offers a way of life that bring peace into every situation.
I am just so thankful and blessed that Jesus is active in my life...its beyond salvation...is he IN YOUR LIFE. Active...TODAY? If he's not...I would encourage you to never give up...and keep at it...because once you find something worth living and dying for...you can't be content without it.
There is always good present. You can choose to disregard it, or ignore it, but good is always there. Sometimes its easy to take it upon yourself to be at a zen place in your life. Where the good and the bad somewhat cancel each other out, or when the good slightly overshadows the bad...but life isn't meant to be lived in a place with zero conflict.
Conflict happens. You can choose to avoid it, and stay stagnant, unchanged, unfulfilled, and somewhat emotionless, or you can take it as an opportunity to learn, grow, mature, and appreciate the moments where conflict is removed. I think I've gone through some seasons of my life where everything is so good...that any one bad thing just really throws me off. I get all bent out of shape when any type of conflict invades my little bubble. Someone wrongs you, or disagrees with you, or you can't afford to do all the things you want to do, and for me...its easy for me to get real down on myself because of those things.
But God has just been showing me that its not about living a life free from tension. LIFE is LIFE. And its not about me doing all the right things to stay a "zen" state of mind. I love this quote from Galatians 5 in the Message
"But what happens if we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance for life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."
I love it, because it puts plainly what a life lead by the Spirit will bring you in a very practical day to day sense. And note it says that HE brings these gifts. Serenity and excitement for life are gifts that God gives us. This passage just really says everything I want my life to be about. man...a willingness to stick with things? Can you imagine how different the world would be if everyone would just stick with their marriages? Honestly, a whole family bringing forth whole individuals. There would be a lot less pain in the world if people would choose to live the life God has for them. Its not all about rules...its about LOVE.
To fall in love with Jesus. I used to think I would never be at a place where I was truly dependent on God. I thought I would always have to strive to love him more. That I would never actually desire him and it would just always be a fight...or a burden. I don't know where the change took place...but it did. Apart from Jesus I am nothing. I don't know who I am, I don't know my purpose or my calling. If Jesus weren't a part of my life...my life would be 100% different. I am serious. The friends I choose, the places I invest my time, my money, my attention. The qualities I look for in a future spouse, my aspirations for the next several years. The way I view myself...if I didn't know Jesus, none of that would be the same. I wouldn't be fulfilled. It just really burdens me for the people out there that don't know Jesus. Jesus CHANGED whatever my life could have been without him, to something incredible. Its not just about salvation in eternity...its about salvation in LIFE!
Life is so crazy...without the promise of God to bring peace and serenity...there is no peace. Wow, think about it? There is no PEACE outside of God. The world will offer things to escape, numb, or disguise pain in this life...but Jesus offers a way of life that bring peace into every situation.
I am just so thankful and blessed that Jesus is active in my life...its beyond salvation...is he IN YOUR LIFE. Active...TODAY? If he's not...I would encourage you to never give up...and keep at it...because once you find something worth living and dying for...you can't be content without it.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Great Adventure.
I haven't written in about a month, and I don't know why. I think about writing a lot, but I sit down at my computer and I lack motivation or I lack one solid topic to talk on. Not that any of my ramblings have much consistent train of thought to them. I just wanted to share about what God is doing in my life.
I feel like I am getting caught up in a great adventure, a epic romantic novel full of life and love and excitement.
Coming home from DTS, I was expecting it to be a challenge, I knew I would go through some form of depression from missing all my YWAM friends, and that I would have to readjust to life back here, but I had no expectation that I would have such a time of refreshment and vision for my life and my future. I feel like I learned a lot about myself in my DTS. My character and convictions were tested on many levels. I wouldn't say I passed with flying colors, but I DO know that God has brought me to a new level with Him. I've come to recognize that He alone can sustain me. My efforts tend to fail me. But God showed me that He hasn't asked for my efforts--he asked for my heart. So simple and yet so complicated. But what a refreshing change of perspective it is. I don't walk around hoping that my actions and striving will get me anywhere. I don't hope that maybe if I'm good enough, and go long enough without sinning that God will give me a stronger revelation than he would if I just kept on with normal life. I've learned to stop striving. But in no way does that mean I have stopped my pursuit to live a holy life and to seek the face of God. But now when I seek God, I stand in awe and reverence of who He is, knowing that I am absolutely nothing, and he is everything. He has chosen me to live and enjoy life with a purpose, but my efforts aren't anything to him. What delights him, is when I give him praise and honor. So I choose to give him praise and honor by the way I worship Him and the way I live. Now I'm not perfect, but a moment doesn't go by where I'm trying to think of what I can get away with. I look at my life and my decisions and think "God, does this give you glory? What more can I do to show you I love you?"
I'm not trying to write this to make myself seem super spiritual, or that I have all the answers. But the transformation in my life astounds me. I cannot get over what God has done in my life. The way I view everything has changed. I am so much happier, so much more satisfied, and content, but hungry for more of God, now that I have stopped making it all about me. I look at my life, and I think "God, you're so real I cannot even contain it." So coming home, has been an unveiling process for me. God showing me all the work He did in my life during my DTS.
I am doing a School of Ministry Development (SOMD) starting on June 20th, back in Orlando. The whole process of me choosing whether to do SOMD in summer or fall was a much more complicated process than it would seem. But it just proves that God works all things together for good. (Praise the Lord) But after deciding to do Summer, God has confirmed over and over again exactly why that is.
Here is a little piece of my heart: I love youth, I love their fire, their zeal, their unrelenting enthusiasm and drive. I love their reckless and impulsive tendencies and the way they fight for what they want. I believe that youth have such explosive personalities, because God wants to focus their attention on the surrounding culture and make an IMPACT for Christ. I love missions. I love traveling the world and telling people who have never even heard that Jesus loved them that He exists and desires a relationship with them. I love evangelism and service and adventure. I believe youth and missions go side by side. Joining hands, you can see what an impact that combination would make. I believe that training and discipleship is key for youth to be ultimately effective. My heart is to see youth come to know Christ on a deep and intimate level themselves and in turn pour it out into this culture and the world around us to create more disciples. Its a cycle. Save the lost, disciple the saved, and send out disciples to save the lost. :]
Sounds a lot like YWAM...BUT I haven't really been totally sold on going on staff with YWAM...at least not right away. I feel like there is something more. Back home, the MVMNT is just ridiculous. I am seeing some of the most fired up youth I have ever been around. Our numbers grow each week, kids are getting healed, saved, and delivered. The anointing on this ministry is HUGE. God's hand is at work. So my heart starts beating fast and I think...how can I get THESE youth in missions?
ENTER Jamie Bates. One of the most godly women I have ever met, who shares with me a vision for youth and missions. Kindred spirits for sure. A passing comment about eventually leading a mission trip together, and some serious prayer has birthed such vision in me and Jamie both. It was kind of life a huge door just opened and major arrows were pointing at the door saying DO THIS!!!!!!!!! <3 GOD!
So now....MVMNT Missions will be starting January following my SOMD which will be training me on how to be an effective minister, and how to develop my own personal ministry, which God has so kindly lined right up for me to come home to! MVMNT Students meeting once a week for 20 weeks being trained and discipled to be missionaries while doing local outreaches all along followed by a month long outreach to really live in a culture and make an impact. I don't want to get too specific right now, while we're still in the developing process, but God's hand is on this.
I'll be going away for 6months to be trained to be a better leader and more effective minister and I'll spend about 2 of those months overseas. Then I'll come home for the holidays, start school at the local college and work while training a group of students for 5months on how to be an effective missionary followed by a month overseas and who knows what else. The opportunities for expansion on this ministry is huge. I feel like our framework is SO solid, and God wants to expand it even larger than we could anticipate.
OH GOD, BROADEN MY PERSPECTIVE SO I CAN CAPACITATE YOUR CALL! Its too much already...and I'm only 20 years old. I can only imagine what the rest of my life will be. :D
Hmmm...this is nothing like what I was expecting to write. I'll just throw in the idea I was thinking about though. With every major change and excitement in life, there are bound to be critics and people who don't understand or don't agree. I'm in the process of learning that sometimes you just gotta live out what you're saying you're going to do, or people aren't going to believe in you. This goes for several areas in my life. I can't expect people to automatically trust my words, so all I can do is live them out. And that is exactly what I intend to do.
Love you all,
Rachel
I feel like I am getting caught up in a great adventure, a epic romantic novel full of life and love and excitement.
Coming home from DTS, I was expecting it to be a challenge, I knew I would go through some form of depression from missing all my YWAM friends, and that I would have to readjust to life back here, but I had no expectation that I would have such a time of refreshment and vision for my life and my future. I feel like I learned a lot about myself in my DTS. My character and convictions were tested on many levels. I wouldn't say I passed with flying colors, but I DO know that God has brought me to a new level with Him. I've come to recognize that He alone can sustain me. My efforts tend to fail me. But God showed me that He hasn't asked for my efforts--he asked for my heart. So simple and yet so complicated. But what a refreshing change of perspective it is. I don't walk around hoping that my actions and striving will get me anywhere. I don't hope that maybe if I'm good enough, and go long enough without sinning that God will give me a stronger revelation than he would if I just kept on with normal life. I've learned to stop striving. But in no way does that mean I have stopped my pursuit to live a holy life and to seek the face of God. But now when I seek God, I stand in awe and reverence of who He is, knowing that I am absolutely nothing, and he is everything. He has chosen me to live and enjoy life with a purpose, but my efforts aren't anything to him. What delights him, is when I give him praise and honor. So I choose to give him praise and honor by the way I worship Him and the way I live. Now I'm not perfect, but a moment doesn't go by where I'm trying to think of what I can get away with. I look at my life and my decisions and think "God, does this give you glory? What more can I do to show you I love you?"
I'm not trying to write this to make myself seem super spiritual, or that I have all the answers. But the transformation in my life astounds me. I cannot get over what God has done in my life. The way I view everything has changed. I am so much happier, so much more satisfied, and content, but hungry for more of God, now that I have stopped making it all about me. I look at my life, and I think "God, you're so real I cannot even contain it." So coming home, has been an unveiling process for me. God showing me all the work He did in my life during my DTS.
I am doing a School of Ministry Development (SOMD) starting on June 20th, back in Orlando. The whole process of me choosing whether to do SOMD in summer or fall was a much more complicated process than it would seem. But it just proves that God works all things together for good. (Praise the Lord) But after deciding to do Summer, God has confirmed over and over again exactly why that is.
Here is a little piece of my heart: I love youth, I love their fire, their zeal, their unrelenting enthusiasm and drive. I love their reckless and impulsive tendencies and the way they fight for what they want. I believe that youth have such explosive personalities, because God wants to focus their attention on the surrounding culture and make an IMPACT for Christ. I love missions. I love traveling the world and telling people who have never even heard that Jesus loved them that He exists and desires a relationship with them. I love evangelism and service and adventure. I believe youth and missions go side by side. Joining hands, you can see what an impact that combination would make. I believe that training and discipleship is key for youth to be ultimately effective. My heart is to see youth come to know Christ on a deep and intimate level themselves and in turn pour it out into this culture and the world around us to create more disciples. Its a cycle. Save the lost, disciple the saved, and send out disciples to save the lost. :]
Sounds a lot like YWAM...BUT I haven't really been totally sold on going on staff with YWAM...at least not right away. I feel like there is something more. Back home, the MVMNT is just ridiculous. I am seeing some of the most fired up youth I have ever been around. Our numbers grow each week, kids are getting healed, saved, and delivered. The anointing on this ministry is HUGE. God's hand is at work. So my heart starts beating fast and I think...how can I get THESE youth in missions?
ENTER Jamie Bates. One of the most godly women I have ever met, who shares with me a vision for youth and missions. Kindred spirits for sure. A passing comment about eventually leading a mission trip together, and some serious prayer has birthed such vision in me and Jamie both. It was kind of life a huge door just opened and major arrows were pointing at the door saying DO THIS!!!!!!!!! <3 GOD!
So now....MVMNT Missions will be starting January following my SOMD which will be training me on how to be an effective minister, and how to develop my own personal ministry, which God has so kindly lined right up for me to come home to! MVMNT Students meeting once a week for 20 weeks being trained and discipled to be missionaries while doing local outreaches all along followed by a month long outreach to really live in a culture and make an impact. I don't want to get too specific right now, while we're still in the developing process, but God's hand is on this.
I'll be going away for 6months to be trained to be a better leader and more effective minister and I'll spend about 2 of those months overseas. Then I'll come home for the holidays, start school at the local college and work while training a group of students for 5months on how to be an effective missionary followed by a month overseas and who knows what else. The opportunities for expansion on this ministry is huge. I feel like our framework is SO solid, and God wants to expand it even larger than we could anticipate.
OH GOD, BROADEN MY PERSPECTIVE SO I CAN CAPACITATE YOUR CALL! Its too much already...and I'm only 20 years old. I can only imagine what the rest of my life will be. :D
Hmmm...this is nothing like what I was expecting to write. I'll just throw in the idea I was thinking about though. With every major change and excitement in life, there are bound to be critics and people who don't understand or don't agree. I'm in the process of learning that sometimes you just gotta live out what you're saying you're going to do, or people aren't going to believe in you. This goes for several areas in my life. I can't expect people to automatically trust my words, so all I can do is live them out. And that is exactly what I intend to do.
Love you all,
Rachel
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sovereignty vs. Intimacy
Just a few thoughts have been on my mind lately. I’m reading A.W. Tozer’s book “The Knowledge of the Holy” and it has been challenging me since the moment I started it. I love being uncomfortable about what I believe…it makes me want to know more
But on a slightly separate note, I think about Easter…Good Friday. First let me explain to you my view on that. I feel like this Easter means so much more to me. For whatever reason, the cross feels real to me. Maybe its because I feel like I actually know the man that died for me. Let me put this in perspective. I think of someone like my dad. Some people don’t have good feelings when they think of their fathers, but I do. I think…what if my brothers and I really messed up. We did something really wrong and as a result my Dad had to suffer on a cross right in front of us. That rips me up. Seriously, think about that. Dwell on the thought for minute before you continue reading. Let it sink in. Someone who did nothing to deserve the punishment, yet did it willingly out of his love for me…for you. And to think that Jesus is even more perfect than my dad, loves me even more, and sacrificed even more. He gave it all FOR ME.
In Hebrews 12:2 it says “ Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” My grandma and I were talking about this verse. “the joy set before him” what was the joy? I don’t think it was just the fact that he was returning to the father….I think it was the fact that he knew how many lives would be saved through his act of obedience. He had great anguish going into the crucifixion…but he did it knowing that his loss would be our gain. I think of all the missions trips I ‘ve been on, times when I’ve sacrificed money, or comfort to see others come to know the love of Jesus…and done it with great joy…and how that is NOTHING in comparison to the sacrifice of Jesus…but the joy was that much more. To think of the millions that have been snatched out of the hands of Hell. Jesus made my life worth something. Apart from him, my life has no meaning. He is the only good that is in me. I love being used to spread His name.
In a synopsis, those have been my significant thoughts regarding Easter….but back to my talk about Tozer. I think sometimes its easy to forget how far above us, God is. He is worthy of our worship. I think of how often our faith becomes about US. We want to worship God so we can feel His presence. We want our ministry to be as effective as possible, because we want to make a difference. Sometimes we do something wrong and we feel like we can’t go back into God’s presence right away because we are unworthy, or we’re not feeling it that day….but since when has worship had to do with YOU? We worship God, not because we feel like it…but because he is 100% worthy of every bit of honor we can bestow him. He doesn’t need to give us a thing. We don’t need to feel his presence. But we need to honor him because he is GOD. Not because of what he has or hasn’t done for us. And what an honor it is that God humbles himself to our level and draws us into himself. We are nothing in comparison to everything he IS. Its almost embarrassing to think that God listens to me whine all the time. Yet he loves it! He wants to hear my thoughts. He is so far above me and knows so much more than I can even comprehend, and yet he cares enough to see my thoughts.
How often do we feel like God has to prove something to us? Today I’ve been wrestling with the idea of faith. Is faith blind acceptance of what the Bible says is true? Does it show a lack of faith to question concepts? My grandma read me something from Oswald Chambers that talks about how often we expect those moments of inspiration that we receive from God to be the norm. How we expect that God will tell us exactly what we should do for every decision. How faith is believing even when we don’t hear anything. A commitment that is not dependent on consciousness of God’s active presence in our lives. This kind of makes me question. I believe that God speaks to man. I believe anyone can hear the active living word of God, and we can be conscious of his presence at all times. But why do some seem so content WAITING to know more about God. Trusting that eventually they will understand his nature, and know his thoughts….while some are in a constant pursuit to know NOW. Is one wrong? Is faith a marathon or a high dive? Is it both? What is right faith? I think there is significance in both. I think those that believe without seeing, without knowing, and without needing proof are rewarded. Think of Hebrews 11, and all those listed there. But then I think of the men in Acts who stepped out in faith on a regular basis. Both had faith…but Acts seems more instantaneous than the Old Testament. Did things change when Jesus came?
Where is the balance of knowing that God is absolutely sovereign and worthy of all our praise without any NEED to interact with us, and that desire to know God intimately and tangibly on a day to day basis? Both seem to be right…yet it almost seems like belief in one negates the other. But who am I to know?
I will keep seeking and questioning. I will dig until I find and I will sell all I have to buy that pearl of great price. I want to believe what is right. My heart longs to know more. If my longing is wrong, I will find what I must do. Almost seems like seeking is a lack of faith…but I feel like once I find what I’m looking for, I’ll stick with it…and try to find something else. :] Hmm…just thoughts that go through my head.
I’d love to hear some feedback. What do you wrestle with?
But on a slightly separate note, I think about Easter…Good Friday. First let me explain to you my view on that. I feel like this Easter means so much more to me. For whatever reason, the cross feels real to me. Maybe its because I feel like I actually know the man that died for me. Let me put this in perspective. I think of someone like my dad. Some people don’t have good feelings when they think of their fathers, but I do. I think…what if my brothers and I really messed up. We did something really wrong and as a result my Dad had to suffer on a cross right in front of us. That rips me up. Seriously, think about that. Dwell on the thought for minute before you continue reading. Let it sink in. Someone who did nothing to deserve the punishment, yet did it willingly out of his love for me…for you. And to think that Jesus is even more perfect than my dad, loves me even more, and sacrificed even more. He gave it all FOR ME.
In Hebrews 12:2 it says “ Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” My grandma and I were talking about this verse. “the joy set before him” what was the joy? I don’t think it was just the fact that he was returning to the father….I think it was the fact that he knew how many lives would be saved through his act of obedience. He had great anguish going into the crucifixion…but he did it knowing that his loss would be our gain. I think of all the missions trips I ‘ve been on, times when I’ve sacrificed money, or comfort to see others come to know the love of Jesus…and done it with great joy…and how that is NOTHING in comparison to the sacrifice of Jesus…but the joy was that much more. To think of the millions that have been snatched out of the hands of Hell. Jesus made my life worth something. Apart from him, my life has no meaning. He is the only good that is in me. I love being used to spread His name.
In a synopsis, those have been my significant thoughts regarding Easter….but back to my talk about Tozer. I think sometimes its easy to forget how far above us, God is. He is worthy of our worship. I think of how often our faith becomes about US. We want to worship God so we can feel His presence. We want our ministry to be as effective as possible, because we want to make a difference. Sometimes we do something wrong and we feel like we can’t go back into God’s presence right away because we are unworthy, or we’re not feeling it that day….but since when has worship had to do with YOU? We worship God, not because we feel like it…but because he is 100% worthy of every bit of honor we can bestow him. He doesn’t need to give us a thing. We don’t need to feel his presence. But we need to honor him because he is GOD. Not because of what he has or hasn’t done for us. And what an honor it is that God humbles himself to our level and draws us into himself. We are nothing in comparison to everything he IS. Its almost embarrassing to think that God listens to me whine all the time. Yet he loves it! He wants to hear my thoughts. He is so far above me and knows so much more than I can even comprehend, and yet he cares enough to see my thoughts.
How often do we feel like God has to prove something to us? Today I’ve been wrestling with the idea of faith. Is faith blind acceptance of what the Bible says is true? Does it show a lack of faith to question concepts? My grandma read me something from Oswald Chambers that talks about how often we expect those moments of inspiration that we receive from God to be the norm. How we expect that God will tell us exactly what we should do for every decision. How faith is believing even when we don’t hear anything. A commitment that is not dependent on consciousness of God’s active presence in our lives. This kind of makes me question. I believe that God speaks to man. I believe anyone can hear the active living word of God, and we can be conscious of his presence at all times. But why do some seem so content WAITING to know more about God. Trusting that eventually they will understand his nature, and know his thoughts….while some are in a constant pursuit to know NOW. Is one wrong? Is faith a marathon or a high dive? Is it both? What is right faith? I think there is significance in both. I think those that believe without seeing, without knowing, and without needing proof are rewarded. Think of Hebrews 11, and all those listed there. But then I think of the men in Acts who stepped out in faith on a regular basis. Both had faith…but Acts seems more instantaneous than the Old Testament. Did things change when Jesus came?
Where is the balance of knowing that God is absolutely sovereign and worthy of all our praise without any NEED to interact with us, and that desire to know God intimately and tangibly on a day to day basis? Both seem to be right…yet it almost seems like belief in one negates the other. But who am I to know?
I will keep seeking and questioning. I will dig until I find and I will sell all I have to buy that pearl of great price. I want to believe what is right. My heart longs to know more. If my longing is wrong, I will find what I must do. Almost seems like seeking is a lack of faith…but I feel like once I find what I’m looking for, I’ll stick with it…and try to find something else. :] Hmm…just thoughts that go through my head.
I’d love to hear some feedback. What do you wrestle with?
Monday, April 11, 2011
A Choice to Get Lost. (Poem)
Where do passion and emotion blur the lines?
Reverence, boldness, and ambition not yet refined.
To stand at the alter and lift up your arms
If your hearts not engaged, it does nothing but harm
Callous, dry, overused, and typical
"I can cry and dance, but feel nothing reciprocal.
The God of Heaven alive in my chest?
Why don't I feel it, if I'm DOING my best?"
The actions, the words, the law and expectation
The anguish of desiring but feeling limitation
Is your heart not engaged or do you just not know how?
Do you stick to repetition or question to stand or bow?
I have a word for both of you
Its not that you're wrong, but I question your view
You lift up your hands while texting your friends
Are you feeling the Holy Spirit when you're pressing send?
Why go through the motions if your hearts not involved?
Why be content with mediocre when your world can be revolved?
You lift up your voice and dance with all your might,
But you're tired and frustrated that your worship isn't right.
You sang this song last time, and you felt the Presence
But by merely going through the motions you're missing the ESSENCE
You desire a heart that desires God
But you're either content maintaining your fraud
or you're constantly striving, but never enough
Faking you've got it, so no one calls your bluff
You don't have it together and you're afraid or you don't care
I challenge you to break down your facades and lay your heart out bare
If you lack the desire and lack the will
Ask God who gives generously to all, and that void will be filled
If you lack the knowledge, just stuck in the emotional draw
Know its all about your heart, and stop following the LAW
The Law kills but the spirit gives LIFE
With freedom like a dagger, piercing strongholds like a knife
Your best efforts combined with apathy yield a wall
But at the cross, Jesus died once and for all.
Walls are broken, and chains are loosed
Your heart and passion with Jesus now fuzed
Nothing separates you from the Love at the cross
So lay your actions aside and go ahead and get lost
To be lost in His Presence, undone by His grace
To be overwhelmed by joy, and broken by just a taste
How great is this God that we serve up on high
How can you walk around broken and unsatisfied?
Do you even know what is at your disposal?
Relationship with Jesus, His eternal proposal
Emotion will come when you've received His grace
Yet one does not determine the other, neither does time nor place
Just get lost in the Lord and let yourself Know Him
The farther you go, the more your walls will dim
To stand, sit, jump, or bow isn't whats at stake
Its about the choice to be in awe, a choice you must make
So make the choice.
You're not a victim to your circumstance, you have a voice.
Let the grace overtake you and shatter your heart
And know that the choice is ONLY the first part.
Reverence, boldness, and ambition not yet refined.
To stand at the alter and lift up your arms
If your hearts not engaged, it does nothing but harm
Callous, dry, overused, and typical
"I can cry and dance, but feel nothing reciprocal.
The God of Heaven alive in my chest?
Why don't I feel it, if I'm DOING my best?"
The actions, the words, the law and expectation
The anguish of desiring but feeling limitation
Is your heart not engaged or do you just not know how?
Do you stick to repetition or question to stand or bow?
I have a word for both of you
Its not that you're wrong, but I question your view
You lift up your hands while texting your friends
Are you feeling the Holy Spirit when you're pressing send?
Why go through the motions if your hearts not involved?
Why be content with mediocre when your world can be revolved?
You lift up your voice and dance with all your might,
But you're tired and frustrated that your worship isn't right.
You sang this song last time, and you felt the Presence
But by merely going through the motions you're missing the ESSENCE
You desire a heart that desires God
But you're either content maintaining your fraud
or you're constantly striving, but never enough
Faking you've got it, so no one calls your bluff
You don't have it together and you're afraid or you don't care
I challenge you to break down your facades and lay your heart out bare
If you lack the desire and lack the will
Ask God who gives generously to all, and that void will be filled
If you lack the knowledge, just stuck in the emotional draw
Know its all about your heart, and stop following the LAW
The Law kills but the spirit gives LIFE
With freedom like a dagger, piercing strongholds like a knife
Your best efforts combined with apathy yield a wall
But at the cross, Jesus died once and for all.
Walls are broken, and chains are loosed
Your heart and passion with Jesus now fuzed
Nothing separates you from the Love at the cross
So lay your actions aside and go ahead and get lost
To be lost in His Presence, undone by His grace
To be overwhelmed by joy, and broken by just a taste
How great is this God that we serve up on high
How can you walk around broken and unsatisfied?
Do you even know what is at your disposal?
Relationship with Jesus, His eternal proposal
Emotion will come when you've received His grace
Yet one does not determine the other, neither does time nor place
Just get lost in the Lord and let yourself Know Him
The farther you go, the more your walls will dim
To stand, sit, jump, or bow isn't whats at stake
Its about the choice to be in awe, a choice you must make
So make the choice.
You're not a victim to your circumstance, you have a voice.
Let the grace overtake you and shatter your heart
And know that the choice is ONLY the first part.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Revelations of the Love of Jesus
Sometimes I look at my blog, and I want to write something but I don't know what to write. Sometimes I want to have a theme or a topic and write about my thoughts on a specific issue. Or I want to explode everyone's brains with some crazy insight I have that may or may not be unique. Or sometimes I just want to talk about how I'm feeling or what I've gone through. Right now I'm looking at this and thinking I should write, because I know Layne wants me to write more blogs. :]
Sometimes its so easy to get caught up in the big question for college kids-- WHATS NEXT? It's almost like we're constantly under the pressure to be where we're not, or to be aspiring to be at a better place than where we are. I know I've consumed SO MUCH of my time this week thinking about what I should do now. Sometimes the answer is simple, and I overthink it and get confused, or sometimes circumstances change so I have to be flexible and work around them.
Lately, I've been at a place where I've gone back and forth between peace and confusion, and I was letting my perception of other people's expectations of me hinder me from making a decision. I wanted to please others and do what seemed to be the logical thing to do to make everyone happy. I was caught up in it all. I wanted to seek God but my confusion was causing me to forget how to even hear God's voice. I was almost panicking, because coming back from such a mountain top experience (aka. DTS) I was expecting to be some sort of prophet from another land that just could constantly determine the Lord's will. Maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but I had an expectation of myself to be at a place that I didn't feel like I was.
A good friend suggested I look over my DTS notes and remember the things I was taught during lecture phase, I did so and all the sudden I felt like my confusion came crashing down. I realized I hadn't actually been seeking God. I wasn't waiting on the Lord. I was riding on my DTS experience with God and just expecting Him to answer me. I wasn't being active. I prayed, but more in passing than anything else. I got my Bible out and I just really sought the Lord. I had a few good talks with people and I got my priorities straight and I've just felt so at peace, knowing I don't have to make a decision right now...The pressure I imposed on myself isn't really there. I can choose to be at peace at a time when I have questions.
Tonight, I went to the MVMNT Thursday night service and God really spoke to me. MAN. Matt was giving the exhortation and he talked about Jesus dying on the cross and looking out and seeing each one of us. Jesus from the cross looked at MY life. He called out Rachel Olson. And all he asked me to do was love him back. Thats it! Yeah, missions and ministry is great. I know God wants me to do that...but all it comes down to is the unfathomable, unchanging, motivating, unrelenting love of Jesus Christ. And the fact that all this love is directed towards me as an individual. I don't have to do anything. It makes me think of the attention of a person. How when someone treats you like you're valuable, like you're the funniest, most exciting and interesting person they've ever met...and they're just so captivated with you. And how Jesus looks at me and He's just like "wow, Rachel, you're fascinating to me. I want to know you more. I want to spend time with you. I want you to spend forever with me. I want you to know the depths of how much I care for you. I want you to feel like you are worth everything that you are. I love a you." Literally...that just gets my heart pumping in my chest. How the God of the universe could come in the form of a human, with a human will and emotion and yet choose to fall in love with ME. It sounds so simple. It sounds like the typical revelation you get when you go to church...but I will never grow tired of having a new revelation of how much Jesus loves me. I just LOVE Jesus. He makes me giddy! I get to a place where I'm just blown away, totally in love and thinking...I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world. And its crazy because I know that God loves everyone to the same capacity...and that doesn't make his love less valuable that its so freely given. God's love isn't cheap. Its costly. His love died a horrific death WILLINGLY just so we could know He loves us and He wanted to save us. He did it for us. He didn't do it for himself...He did it for me. WOW.
I get so caught up in the song that goes "I want to look at the face of the one that I love, want to stay in You presence, its where I belong." I feel like that is the song of my heart. I love singing for the Lord. I haven't written anything worthwhile for a long time...kind of breaks my heart. I think its because I sing when I drive...and I don't have a car anymore and I didn't drive in YWAM...but I just think of all the millions of love songs written out there about sex and emotion and heartbreak and pain...and I just think how love between people is only supposed to be a reflection of the love of the Father for us. How twisted the view of love is. Love is a promise to always look for the good other other person. Always. Not a "hope I someday get to be with you" or a "i like you" Its a commitment and a guarantee. I take the words "I love you." SO seriously. I could write a whole blog just on that...and maybe some day I will.
But right now I'm looking at life thinking... Man Jesus LOVES me. Why worry about tomorrow when THIS is what its all about?
MAN!
COME ON SOMEBODY! ;]
<3Rachel
Sometimes its so easy to get caught up in the big question for college kids-- WHATS NEXT? It's almost like we're constantly under the pressure to be where we're not, or to be aspiring to be at a better place than where we are. I know I've consumed SO MUCH of my time this week thinking about what I should do now. Sometimes the answer is simple, and I overthink it and get confused, or sometimes circumstances change so I have to be flexible and work around them.
Lately, I've been at a place where I've gone back and forth between peace and confusion, and I was letting my perception of other people's expectations of me hinder me from making a decision. I wanted to please others and do what seemed to be the logical thing to do to make everyone happy. I was caught up in it all. I wanted to seek God but my confusion was causing me to forget how to even hear God's voice. I was almost panicking, because coming back from such a mountain top experience (aka. DTS) I was expecting to be some sort of prophet from another land that just could constantly determine the Lord's will. Maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but I had an expectation of myself to be at a place that I didn't feel like I was.
A good friend suggested I look over my DTS notes and remember the things I was taught during lecture phase, I did so and all the sudden I felt like my confusion came crashing down. I realized I hadn't actually been seeking God. I wasn't waiting on the Lord. I was riding on my DTS experience with God and just expecting Him to answer me. I wasn't being active. I prayed, but more in passing than anything else. I got my Bible out and I just really sought the Lord. I had a few good talks with people and I got my priorities straight and I've just felt so at peace, knowing I don't have to make a decision right now...The pressure I imposed on myself isn't really there. I can choose to be at peace at a time when I have questions.
Tonight, I went to the MVMNT Thursday night service and God really spoke to me. MAN. Matt was giving the exhortation and he talked about Jesus dying on the cross and looking out and seeing each one of us. Jesus from the cross looked at MY life. He called out Rachel Olson. And all he asked me to do was love him back. Thats it! Yeah, missions and ministry is great. I know God wants me to do that...but all it comes down to is the unfathomable, unchanging, motivating, unrelenting love of Jesus Christ. And the fact that all this love is directed towards me as an individual. I don't have to do anything. It makes me think of the attention of a person. How when someone treats you like you're valuable, like you're the funniest, most exciting and interesting person they've ever met...and they're just so captivated with you. And how Jesus looks at me and He's just like "wow, Rachel, you're fascinating to me. I want to know you more. I want to spend time with you. I want you to spend forever with me. I want you to know the depths of how much I care for you. I want you to feel like you are worth everything that you are. I love a you." Literally...that just gets my heart pumping in my chest. How the God of the universe could come in the form of a human, with a human will and emotion and yet choose to fall in love with ME. It sounds so simple. It sounds like the typical revelation you get when you go to church...but I will never grow tired of having a new revelation of how much Jesus loves me. I just LOVE Jesus. He makes me giddy! I get to a place where I'm just blown away, totally in love and thinking...I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world. And its crazy because I know that God loves everyone to the same capacity...and that doesn't make his love less valuable that its so freely given. God's love isn't cheap. Its costly. His love died a horrific death WILLINGLY just so we could know He loves us and He wanted to save us. He did it for us. He didn't do it for himself...He did it for me. WOW.
I get so caught up in the song that goes "I want to look at the face of the one that I love, want to stay in You presence, its where I belong." I feel like that is the song of my heart. I love singing for the Lord. I haven't written anything worthwhile for a long time...kind of breaks my heart. I think its because I sing when I drive...and I don't have a car anymore and I didn't drive in YWAM...but I just think of all the millions of love songs written out there about sex and emotion and heartbreak and pain...and I just think how love between people is only supposed to be a reflection of the love of the Father for us. How twisted the view of love is. Love is a promise to always look for the good other other person. Always. Not a "hope I someday get to be with you" or a "i like you" Its a commitment and a guarantee. I take the words "I love you." SO seriously. I could write a whole blog just on that...and maybe some day I will.
But right now I'm looking at life thinking... Man Jesus LOVES me. Why worry about tomorrow when THIS is what its all about?
MAN!
COME ON SOMEBODY! ;]
<3Rachel
Monday, March 21, 2011
Life and Life to the Full
So I am back in the United States. I have been for about a week and a half. I'm sorry for not updating sooner. First let me tell you about the remaining weeks I had in South Africa.
I went to Kruger on 2/14 to a YWAM base there also called 10,000 Homes. Some of you may have heard of it, because of its affiliation with New Hope Church in Wylie. Immediately when I went to the base, I felt at home. There is such a warm and inviting feel to the people and their ministry. The whole heart behind 10,000 Homes is to provide people with homes. Not only a physical home, but the feeling of belonging, love, and support that comes with a family. While we were there we had several awesome opportunities. Each week we'd help out with 2 different feedings. One in Mbonaswani, that was located at the church we'd go each Sunday. We would have a group go out and help the volunteers from the church cook the food, then we'd all go out and have a VBS type program, telling Bible Stories and singing songs. We'd also just love and play with the kids. The other location, Dwaleni, we did a similar thing, with some slight variations. We would go help the nurses from the nearby clinic cook the food, and we'd also go out and do some home visits and pray for people before the rest of the team came for the feeding. On the days we didn't have a feeding, we'd go out to White River in a shopping center, and go do evangelism. We'd do intercession before hand, ask God who we should pray for, and then we'd go and find them! We also helped quilt together knit squares to make blankets for the most vulnerable children in the Dwaleni feeding. We knit about 12 together while we were there, and we had the opportunity to pass them out.
So that was our ministry on a non-personal level. I have a few stories that have just stuck with me. One day we were doing home visits while in Dwaleni. Meghan, Stephanie, Nate and I went out with a staff member to pray for people. After doing several visits, we stopped by a random house. The staff member had never been in this area before, he was just being spirit led. And we ended up getting into a conversation with this 19 year old guy. He wanted to know more about Jesus. We asked him what he knew and he said he knew very little. He went to church on Sundays, but he didn't feel as though he had a personal relationship with Christ. We got him to open up more and he told us that he didn't really like being a Christian, because all of his friends wanted him to do other stuff that he knew was wrong in God's to eyes. He didn't want to fully commit to Christ, because he knew he'd have to give those things up. First, the fact that he opened up that much to us is HUGE. Africans typically don't like addressing their own feelings and their own lives. They talk about external needs, but its rare for someone to open up about the real condition of their heart. But we were able to open up to this guy and tell him all there is to gain from following Christ...that the loss is nothing in comparison. That God loved him and had a plan for his life, and that he wanted to use him. He wanted his heart. We were able to give some testimonies and we asked whether he believed all of that. He said he did, and we ended up being able to lead this guy and his cousin in a prayer of salvation. The staff member got his number has has continued to keep in contact with the guy to continue discipleship. Praise God for leading us to this young man's house.
Another story is that we went to the clinic where all the nurses worked and we were able to pray for the patients waiting to go in to get checked up. Rachel Beck and I were able to talk to this young pregnant women who was waiting to go in. We found out she had had 3 children prior to the one she was expecting, but all of them had died. We asked about her faith in God, and she said she didn't really feel like God loved her because of all the terrible things that had happened to her. We were able to share with her the love of God and she just began to cry. We told her about God's mercy and justice, about how in heaven she'd be able to be with her children again. She prayed a prayer of salvation with us in her own language. She had such a huge smile on her face when she finished. She said she was so happy inside. It was a beautiful moment to see a daughter of the King recognize the love that God has directed towards her.
All of these things encouraged me and blessed me and filled me with boldness for the next person I would minister to. I want people to understand and know the love of Jesus! But my last story probably breaks my heart more than the rest. I was at the last feeding we were going to have in Mbonaswani...I was kind of tired and I really just wanted to sit around and do nothing. I thought that while I was sitting around...I might as well hold a little kid or something. I know this isn't the right heart mentality to have, but bear with me! I went and picked up this little boy I hadn't seen before. His name was Mensi. He was probably about 3 or 4...he didn't say anything. He was just wide eyed and open lipped...just the cutest thing ever. I went over to him and gestured if he wanted me to pick him up and he put his arms up for me to hold him. I picked him up and brought him back to my chair. I sat there just holding and rocking him...just singing to him softly, and he would just watch me and occasionally touch my face. I had him sitting so he was facing out towards what was going on...eventually he slumped over and fell asleep in my arms. He was drooling on my arms, so I positioned him up a little bit...and eventually I turned him around and he wrapped his little arms around my neck and rested his head on my chest. He held on tightly and fell fast asleep again. He slept in my arms for about 45 minutes. I was so honored that he felt comfortable enough with me to fall asleep in my arms. I just started praying for him and holding him close...trying to express as much love from my heart as I could. Eventually he woke up and we started playing together...he wanted to walk around...but he always made sure I was right by him. Kids would come by and start picking on him and he would run over to me and hide his face in my skirt. Later on, he fell down and started crying. His sister ran over and tried to pick him up to comfort him...but he shook her off and ran over to me and wanted me to hold him. I cannot even express how much this touched my heart. God spoke to me at that moment and told me how precious it is to him when I shake off anyone else who tries to comfort me and run to Him. He alone is my safety and my protector. I pray for Mensi just about every day. When I think about him...my heart just rips out of my chest. He's that one little boy that I would want to take home and call my own. I love him. It was amazing to me that God waited until the last week of my outreach to really break my heart.
After we finished our ministry, we took 2 days and went on an overnight Safari,and went to several waterfalls and markets. We came back to states, and after traveling for 30 hours, I had to stay awake another 10-12 before I could go to sleep. I was extremely tired coming back, but now after an extremely tearful graduation, and goodbye to all my friends that I've grown SO attached to the last several months. I am home. Back in Allen, Texas
What is next you may ask? (Or maybe you're asking when this blog will be done, seeing as how its getting pretty long now)
I plan on doing a second school with YWAM Orlando. Instead of a DTS (Discipleship Training Program) I will be doing an SOMD (School of Ministry Development). I am praying about exactly when. They offer schools quarterly, so I have several options. But I do know that it is my next step. The school is focused on individual ministry. I feel a call to full time missions, and this school will help me focus on my giftings and passions, and I'll be able to have a better idea of how I can be best equipped for whatever God will ask me to do with my life. I'll be home for several months, working, support raising, and rebuilding relationships here.
But I am EXCITED about the work God is doing in my life. I am not the same after this experience. I feel like I've grown so much into a maturing and growing walk with God. I love discipleship. I want to see others grow in their understand of God's character and love. There is so much to live for and so much to experience.
Life and life to the full is definitely the life I feel I am living.
Thank you all so much for blessing me with this experience. I cannot even begin to describe how honored I am that you would believe in me enough to invest in my call. I would love to talk about my experience to anyone that wants to know, so please do not hesitate to message me or call me to get together. I am more than excited to give testimony to what God has done in my life.
I love you all!
--Rachel Olson
I went to Kruger on 2/14 to a YWAM base there also called 10,000 Homes. Some of you may have heard of it, because of its affiliation with New Hope Church in Wylie. Immediately when I went to the base, I felt at home. There is such a warm and inviting feel to the people and their ministry. The whole heart behind 10,000 Homes is to provide people with homes. Not only a physical home, but the feeling of belonging, love, and support that comes with a family. While we were there we had several awesome opportunities. Each week we'd help out with 2 different feedings. One in Mbonaswani, that was located at the church we'd go each Sunday. We would have a group go out and help the volunteers from the church cook the food, then we'd all go out and have a VBS type program, telling Bible Stories and singing songs. We'd also just love and play with the kids. The other location, Dwaleni, we did a similar thing, with some slight variations. We would go help the nurses from the nearby clinic cook the food, and we'd also go out and do some home visits and pray for people before the rest of the team came for the feeding. On the days we didn't have a feeding, we'd go out to White River in a shopping center, and go do evangelism. We'd do intercession before hand, ask God who we should pray for, and then we'd go and find them! We also helped quilt together knit squares to make blankets for the most vulnerable children in the Dwaleni feeding. We knit about 12 together while we were there, and we had the opportunity to pass them out.
So that was our ministry on a non-personal level. I have a few stories that have just stuck with me. One day we were doing home visits while in Dwaleni. Meghan, Stephanie, Nate and I went out with a staff member to pray for people. After doing several visits, we stopped by a random house. The staff member had never been in this area before, he was just being spirit led. And we ended up getting into a conversation with this 19 year old guy. He wanted to know more about Jesus. We asked him what he knew and he said he knew very little. He went to church on Sundays, but he didn't feel as though he had a personal relationship with Christ. We got him to open up more and he told us that he didn't really like being a Christian, because all of his friends wanted him to do other stuff that he knew was wrong in God's to eyes. He didn't want to fully commit to Christ, because he knew he'd have to give those things up. First, the fact that he opened up that much to us is HUGE. Africans typically don't like addressing their own feelings and their own lives. They talk about external needs, but its rare for someone to open up about the real condition of their heart. But we were able to open up to this guy and tell him all there is to gain from following Christ...that the loss is nothing in comparison. That God loved him and had a plan for his life, and that he wanted to use him. He wanted his heart. We were able to give some testimonies and we asked whether he believed all of that. He said he did, and we ended up being able to lead this guy and his cousin in a prayer of salvation. The staff member got his number has has continued to keep in contact with the guy to continue discipleship. Praise God for leading us to this young man's house.
Another story is that we went to the clinic where all the nurses worked and we were able to pray for the patients waiting to go in to get checked up. Rachel Beck and I were able to talk to this young pregnant women who was waiting to go in. We found out she had had 3 children prior to the one she was expecting, but all of them had died. We asked about her faith in God, and she said she didn't really feel like God loved her because of all the terrible things that had happened to her. We were able to share with her the love of God and she just began to cry. We told her about God's mercy and justice, about how in heaven she'd be able to be with her children again. She prayed a prayer of salvation with us in her own language. She had such a huge smile on her face when she finished. She said she was so happy inside. It was a beautiful moment to see a daughter of the King recognize the love that God has directed towards her.
All of these things encouraged me and blessed me and filled me with boldness for the next person I would minister to. I want people to understand and know the love of Jesus! But my last story probably breaks my heart more than the rest. I was at the last feeding we were going to have in Mbonaswani...I was kind of tired and I really just wanted to sit around and do nothing. I thought that while I was sitting around...I might as well hold a little kid or something. I know this isn't the right heart mentality to have, but bear with me! I went and picked up this little boy I hadn't seen before. His name was Mensi. He was probably about 3 or 4...he didn't say anything. He was just wide eyed and open lipped...just the cutest thing ever. I went over to him and gestured if he wanted me to pick him up and he put his arms up for me to hold him. I picked him up and brought him back to my chair. I sat there just holding and rocking him...just singing to him softly, and he would just watch me and occasionally touch my face. I had him sitting so he was facing out towards what was going on...eventually he slumped over and fell asleep in my arms. He was drooling on my arms, so I positioned him up a little bit...and eventually I turned him around and he wrapped his little arms around my neck and rested his head on my chest. He held on tightly and fell fast asleep again. He slept in my arms for about 45 minutes. I was so honored that he felt comfortable enough with me to fall asleep in my arms. I just started praying for him and holding him close...trying to express as much love from my heart as I could. Eventually he woke up and we started playing together...he wanted to walk around...but he always made sure I was right by him. Kids would come by and start picking on him and he would run over to me and hide his face in my skirt. Later on, he fell down and started crying. His sister ran over and tried to pick him up to comfort him...but he shook her off and ran over to me and wanted me to hold him. I cannot even express how much this touched my heart. God spoke to me at that moment and told me how precious it is to him when I shake off anyone else who tries to comfort me and run to Him. He alone is my safety and my protector. I pray for Mensi just about every day. When I think about him...my heart just rips out of my chest. He's that one little boy that I would want to take home and call my own. I love him. It was amazing to me that God waited until the last week of my outreach to really break my heart.
After we finished our ministry, we took 2 days and went on an overnight Safari,and went to several waterfalls and markets. We came back to states, and after traveling for 30 hours, I had to stay awake another 10-12 before I could go to sleep. I was extremely tired coming back, but now after an extremely tearful graduation, and goodbye to all my friends that I've grown SO attached to the last several months. I am home. Back in Allen, Texas
What is next you may ask? (Or maybe you're asking when this blog will be done, seeing as how its getting pretty long now)
I plan on doing a second school with YWAM Orlando. Instead of a DTS (Discipleship Training Program) I will be doing an SOMD (School of Ministry Development). I am praying about exactly when. They offer schools quarterly, so I have several options. But I do know that it is my next step. The school is focused on individual ministry. I feel a call to full time missions, and this school will help me focus on my giftings and passions, and I'll be able to have a better idea of how I can be best equipped for whatever God will ask me to do with my life. I'll be home for several months, working, support raising, and rebuilding relationships here.
But I am EXCITED about the work God is doing in my life. I am not the same after this experience. I feel like I've grown so much into a maturing and growing walk with God. I love discipleship. I want to see others grow in their understand of God's character and love. There is so much to live for and so much to experience.
Life and life to the full is definitely the life I feel I am living.
Thank you all so much for blessing me with this experience. I cannot even begin to describe how honored I am that you would believe in me enough to invest in my call. I would love to talk about my experience to anyone that wants to know, so please do not hesitate to message me or call me to get together. I am more than excited to give testimony to what God has done in my life.
I love you all!
--Rachel Olson
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I've caught a bug...
Hello from Rustenberg, South Africa! Currently I am at a mall sitting in the internet cafe.
This past week I've spent time at an HIV/AIDS Hospice called Tapalogo. I was expecting patients to be on the very brink of death...and some were. Two passed this week while we were there. But most had very high spirits and were probably going to be released to go home shortly. We would go each morning and bring them treats, play cards, read the Bible, sing songs, Dance. We prayed for several of the women's original designs and I believe one of the women accepted Christ. We had a church service on the last day, Friday, and it was really good. We sang some songs, Jenny told her testimony about how God showed her why injustice happens, Shailah talked about God's love, and I talked about Forgiveness and God's mercy on us. I had an opportunity to sing a song I wrote about the women caught the in the act of adultery. The spirit was really moving through us this week.
I've grown so much in my intimacy with God. I absolutely love being here. God has just been showing me over and over again how much he loves me. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I had my birthday here, and now I am 20 years old. Its weird...but I really do feel a bit older. I feel like God has had to take me away from my comfort zone of family, friends, and America...and really shown me a lot about His character and His heart for me.
I am confident that God wants me to do an SOMD after my DTS...either in the Summer or the Fall. If college comes after that, we'll see. SOMD is really focused on specific giftings and callings. I feel that after I do an SOMD, I'll have a better grasp on what field of missions I should be heading towards. If that requires a degree, I will definitely be obedient to whatever God has called me to.
I'm so in love with Christ, ya'll!
After so many years of not even fully GETTING it...I feel like I have a gold mine in my hands. I don't need money, stuff, or even a real place to say is my home. God has prepared a city for me. I was reading in Hebrews 11...where it talks about those who had great faith. They talked about how this world was not their home...they were aliens in this world. And that was talk of faith...people who knew there was so much more to life than this world. I feel like I'm getting to that place. There is a spiritual battle going on.
I have so much opportunity, and so many blessings...and I know God chose me to be his vessel to carry the gospel. I want to preach boldly without shame. I've caugh this contagious bug that I can't even contain. I could spend this whole blog talking about Africa...but I'm too caught up in how blessed I have to have a God who offers GRACE to cover our transgressions...who PASSIONATELY LOVES us...enough to expand the universe and show me a glimpse of the stars at night, or the clouds during the day. The beauty of the Lord has overwhelmed me and I can't keep it in!!!
Can't wait to get back and show you how I feel. I want each of you to catch it too. I love the Bible. I love Jesus. I love my Father God. I love the power and authority I have throught the Spirit. I literally blush when I think about how good God is to me...He's all I need. Forever.
I have a whole new desire for integrity, character, and living at a high standard.
I pray every day that I'll come back and really be different. I'm tired of the same old thing.
WOW
and I'm a little frustrated...it won't let me log into my email at all. So I haven't checked it since January 24th...if anyone is wondering why I haven't responded.
I love you all
:]
Sorry I can't respond to everyone...even my mom and dad who I love deeply. There is a line waiting for internet, and I've already been on for 45 minutes.
I LOVE THE OLSON FAMILY. :]]]]
Rachel
This past week I've spent time at an HIV/AIDS Hospice called Tapalogo. I was expecting patients to be on the very brink of death...and some were. Two passed this week while we were there. But most had very high spirits and were probably going to be released to go home shortly. We would go each morning and bring them treats, play cards, read the Bible, sing songs, Dance. We prayed for several of the women's original designs and I believe one of the women accepted Christ. We had a church service on the last day, Friday, and it was really good. We sang some songs, Jenny told her testimony about how God showed her why injustice happens, Shailah talked about God's love, and I talked about Forgiveness and God's mercy on us. I had an opportunity to sing a song I wrote about the women caught the in the act of adultery. The spirit was really moving through us this week.
I've grown so much in my intimacy with God. I absolutely love being here. God has just been showing me over and over again how much he loves me. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I had my birthday here, and now I am 20 years old. Its weird...but I really do feel a bit older. I feel like God has had to take me away from my comfort zone of family, friends, and America...and really shown me a lot about His character and His heart for me.
I am confident that God wants me to do an SOMD after my DTS...either in the Summer or the Fall. If college comes after that, we'll see. SOMD is really focused on specific giftings and callings. I feel that after I do an SOMD, I'll have a better grasp on what field of missions I should be heading towards. If that requires a degree, I will definitely be obedient to whatever God has called me to.
I'm so in love with Christ, ya'll!
After so many years of not even fully GETTING it...I feel like I have a gold mine in my hands. I don't need money, stuff, or even a real place to say is my home. God has prepared a city for me. I was reading in Hebrews 11...where it talks about those who had great faith. They talked about how this world was not their home...they were aliens in this world. And that was talk of faith...people who knew there was so much more to life than this world. I feel like I'm getting to that place. There is a spiritual battle going on.
I have so much opportunity, and so many blessings...and I know God chose me to be his vessel to carry the gospel. I want to preach boldly without shame. I've caugh this contagious bug that I can't even contain. I could spend this whole blog talking about Africa...but I'm too caught up in how blessed I have to have a God who offers GRACE to cover our transgressions...who PASSIONATELY LOVES us...enough to expand the universe and show me a glimpse of the stars at night, or the clouds during the day. The beauty of the Lord has overwhelmed me and I can't keep it in!!!
Can't wait to get back and show you how I feel. I want each of you to catch it too. I love the Bible. I love Jesus. I love my Father God. I love the power and authority I have throught the Spirit. I literally blush when I think about how good God is to me...He's all I need. Forever.
I have a whole new desire for integrity, character, and living at a high standard.
I pray every day that I'll come back and really be different. I'm tired of the same old thing.
WOW
and I'm a little frustrated...it won't let me log into my email at all. So I haven't checked it since January 24th...if anyone is wondering why I haven't responded.
I love you all
:]
Sorry I can't respond to everyone...even my mom and dad who I love deeply. There is a line waiting for internet, and I've already been on for 45 minutes.
I LOVE THE OLSON FAMILY. :]]]]
Rachel
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Palapye, Botswana
Well I am a terrible blogger. I just can't seem to update frequently enough. I apologize to all of my supporters, that I haven't been more diligent to provide updates.
Currently I am in Palapye, Botswana at a pastors house. I've been doing hospital visits, school ministries, door to door evangelism, and teaching every night at the church. I am so blessed beyond measure to be here.
Outreach has proved to be a time where flexibility and patience is needed, but there is so much joy and grace found in service. I'm so blessed! I love Africa! I love the people here in Botswana. People are more hospitable and friendly than anyone I've ever met. All the girls on my Palapye team are staying at the Pastor's house. There are 11 of us. He has been giving us all rides to every location we go, back and forth til we're all where we need to be, and he cleared out two of the rooms in his own house so we would have room to sleep. He is bending over backwards for us...and we can see the grace of God on his life. I am honored to be able to partner with and learn from such a godly man.
Going on this portion of the trip to Botswana really was a wild card trip. We didn't know what to expect when we got here. All we knew was there was some form of evangelism and teaching. We definitely have been doing quite a bit of both. One thing that really sticks out to me is a trip we took the hospital. I prayed for a girl with TB and by the size of her, I'd guess she was HIV/AIDS positive too. She couldn't speak much because of her illness, but she could hear out of one ear and she understood English. I was able to pray over her and Corey and I read several Psalms to her. At one point I looked into her eyes and I was able to tell her that God saw her even here in her darkest hour. That he loved her and valued her, and that Jesus wanted to save her. I told her that she is precious and loved and God wants her and loves her so deeply. As I told her these things, her eyes grew wider and wider and she began to cry. I was so moved for her. I really felt like the Holy Spirit was moving in my and guiding my words.
You can't even go into a hospital here without being overwhelmed with compassion. There are people in really bad shape...and they are desperate for anything you can offer them. Patients, Nurses, and Family members are all asking us to pray for them as we walk through the hallways. We even had two women with blindness receieve sight and relief from pain after our prayers. We saw them at the church service that night because they wanted to know what was behind the healing. Praise GOD!
Here in Botswana, we're not staying at a YWAM base, we're staying at a pastors house. So we're able to experience a bit more of the life and culture here than we might have if there had been a base removed from the culture. I feel like I'm getting to experience what a life of full time missions would look like. I'm excited.
God has been speaking to me a lot about my future plans and trusting Him. I know this is what my life is meant to look like. To be on the front lines when it comes to missions. What a blessing!
Pray for me and my team as we end our time here in Palapye Botswana and move onto Rustenberg South Africa. We'll be working with a hospice and at a place called "Freedom Park" which is an HIV/AIDS squatter camp. Pray that we'll be able to have a special grace to endure whatever we may see and experience there. Pray that we'll be refreshed in our time of ministry, that we won't grow weary while doing good. Pray for safety and good attitudes.
I love you all, and I can't thank you enough for the support that has gotten me to this place. I know that with God all things are possible, and I'm trusting HIM alone with my future.
Blessings!
-Rachel Olson
Currently I am in Palapye, Botswana at a pastors house. I've been doing hospital visits, school ministries, door to door evangelism, and teaching every night at the church. I am so blessed beyond measure to be here.
Outreach has proved to be a time where flexibility and patience is needed, but there is so much joy and grace found in service. I'm so blessed! I love Africa! I love the people here in Botswana. People are more hospitable and friendly than anyone I've ever met. All the girls on my Palapye team are staying at the Pastor's house. There are 11 of us. He has been giving us all rides to every location we go, back and forth til we're all where we need to be, and he cleared out two of the rooms in his own house so we would have room to sleep. He is bending over backwards for us...and we can see the grace of God on his life. I am honored to be able to partner with and learn from such a godly man.
Going on this portion of the trip to Botswana really was a wild card trip. We didn't know what to expect when we got here. All we knew was there was some form of evangelism and teaching. We definitely have been doing quite a bit of both. One thing that really sticks out to me is a trip we took the hospital. I prayed for a girl with TB and by the size of her, I'd guess she was HIV/AIDS positive too. She couldn't speak much because of her illness, but she could hear out of one ear and she understood English. I was able to pray over her and Corey and I read several Psalms to her. At one point I looked into her eyes and I was able to tell her that God saw her even here in her darkest hour. That he loved her and valued her, and that Jesus wanted to save her. I told her that she is precious and loved and God wants her and loves her so deeply. As I told her these things, her eyes grew wider and wider and she began to cry. I was so moved for her. I really felt like the Holy Spirit was moving in my and guiding my words.
You can't even go into a hospital here without being overwhelmed with compassion. There are people in really bad shape...and they are desperate for anything you can offer them. Patients, Nurses, and Family members are all asking us to pray for them as we walk through the hallways. We even had two women with blindness receieve sight and relief from pain after our prayers. We saw them at the church service that night because they wanted to know what was behind the healing. Praise GOD!
Here in Botswana, we're not staying at a YWAM base, we're staying at a pastors house. So we're able to experience a bit more of the life and culture here than we might have if there had been a base removed from the culture. I feel like I'm getting to experience what a life of full time missions would look like. I'm excited.
God has been speaking to me a lot about my future plans and trusting Him. I know this is what my life is meant to look like. To be on the front lines when it comes to missions. What a blessing!
Pray for me and my team as we end our time here in Palapye Botswana and move onto Rustenberg South Africa. We'll be working with a hospice and at a place called "Freedom Park" which is an HIV/AIDS squatter camp. Pray that we'll be able to have a special grace to endure whatever we may see and experience there. Pray that we'll be refreshed in our time of ministry, that we won't grow weary while doing good. Pray for safety and good attitudes.
I love you all, and I can't thank you enough for the support that has gotten me to this place. I know that with God all things are possible, and I'm trusting HIM alone with my future.
Blessings!
-Rachel Olson
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Final Thoughts on Lecture Phase.
So I'm at the airport waiting for my flight home to Dallas for Christmas. Gate 17, to be exact. I'm sitting here with all my stuff, but I'm completely alone. Yeah, there are other passengers around...but its not the same, we all know it. How many times are we just alone in a crowd of people.
I'm reflecting back on the fact that Lecture Phase...the first 3 months of my Discipleship Training Program, is complete. I've heard so many awesome teachings in regards to hearing God's voice, forgiveness, God's character, lordship, maturing in Christ, and much more. But the most awesome thing about DTS is that it is a Live/Learn environment. You hear the teaching, but it means nothing til you apply it to your life. That's why Paul says its not those that hear the law that are obedient, but those who have the law written on their hearts.
Probably the number one life lesson I've learned in DTS...and by learned, I mean taught and applied, is that its about your HEART. Its not about the Do's and Don'ts. Legalism isn't just "all R-rated movies are bad," Legalism is thinking that by doing A, B, and C, you are fulfilling your religious obligation. Legalism lacks relationship. I never thought of myself as legalistic...but I was so wrong. I looked at everyone as having an expectation of me...and I just had to fulfill my duty as a Christian, as a leader, as a friend, as a daughter...and then I was good. I lacked the heart. Now I see that its ALL about your heart.
Out of the wellspring of your heart, the mouth speaks. Its all about the yearning and motivation. God isn't about a check list in forming a relationship with you. God speaks actively. He doesn't just withhold himself from you because you haven't read your Bible that day. My mind has just expanded so much on God's character. Honestly. When bad stuff in life happens, you can ALWAYS go back to God's character and find the truth in the situation.
I'm broken hearted to leave some of these dear friends of mine. Some of them I'll see when I go to South Africa, but most of them are going to either Jordan or India, and I won't see them until March when I return from outreach. You spend all day every day with these people. Even my friends I have had for years haven't spent that much time with me. Oh the lessons I've learned from living with people, and having to look at the person behind the action. Yes, the dishes were left dirty in the sink all night, but the person was exhausted and sick. You learn to apply grace where it is needed.
Coming out of this part of DTS, I am so at peace about who I am in Christ. I'm slightly overwhelmed by the enormity of my calling in life, but I'm learning to take it one step at a time, led by the voice of God. I'm learning its really okay to not have a 5 year plan, or even a year out. Its okay to just be lead by the spirit in life. So many wrong views of myself and of God and others were corrected during this time. I feel like I really couldn't go out and do the work with AIDS patients and orphans in South Africa if I hadn't been through this first part. The training develops me as a person. I'm being filled up so I can pour out. Giving out of the overflow.
Yes, I do feel called to full time overseas missions. I don't know the steps to take to get there yet, but I'm fully trusting God on this one. He knows exactly where I should be, and he's faithful to speak. DTS is just good for life. Whether or not you plan on going on the mission field, I recommend it. You learn who God is, and how to live out a life worthy of the gospel. To LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL. That's my biggest desire coming out of this. God, let me live life to the full.
Honestly, this period of time in my life has been MONUMENTAL in my development as a person, as a leader, as a Christian, and as a missionary. Thank you so much for supporting me in this. Honestly, its been the biggest blessing to have so many people back me in prayer and finances for this whole thing.
I pray, my life would be testimony enough of the change God has done in my heart.
I love you all very much.
I'm looking forward to seeing Dallas in a couple hours :]
<3 Rachel Olson.
I'm reflecting back on the fact that Lecture Phase...the first 3 months of my Discipleship Training Program, is complete. I've heard so many awesome teachings in regards to hearing God's voice, forgiveness, God's character, lordship, maturing in Christ, and much more. But the most awesome thing about DTS is that it is a Live/Learn environment. You hear the teaching, but it means nothing til you apply it to your life. That's why Paul says its not those that hear the law that are obedient, but those who have the law written on their hearts.
Probably the number one life lesson I've learned in DTS...and by learned, I mean taught and applied, is that its about your HEART. Its not about the Do's and Don'ts. Legalism isn't just "all R-rated movies are bad," Legalism is thinking that by doing A, B, and C, you are fulfilling your religious obligation. Legalism lacks relationship. I never thought of myself as legalistic...but I was so wrong. I looked at everyone as having an expectation of me...and I just had to fulfill my duty as a Christian, as a leader, as a friend, as a daughter...and then I was good. I lacked the heart. Now I see that its ALL about your heart.
Out of the wellspring of your heart, the mouth speaks. Its all about the yearning and motivation. God isn't about a check list in forming a relationship with you. God speaks actively. He doesn't just withhold himself from you because you haven't read your Bible that day. My mind has just expanded so much on God's character. Honestly. When bad stuff in life happens, you can ALWAYS go back to God's character and find the truth in the situation.
I'm broken hearted to leave some of these dear friends of mine. Some of them I'll see when I go to South Africa, but most of them are going to either Jordan or India, and I won't see them until March when I return from outreach. You spend all day every day with these people. Even my friends I have had for years haven't spent that much time with me. Oh the lessons I've learned from living with people, and having to look at the person behind the action. Yes, the dishes were left dirty in the sink all night, but the person was exhausted and sick. You learn to apply grace where it is needed.
Coming out of this part of DTS, I am so at peace about who I am in Christ. I'm slightly overwhelmed by the enormity of my calling in life, but I'm learning to take it one step at a time, led by the voice of God. I'm learning its really okay to not have a 5 year plan, or even a year out. Its okay to just be lead by the spirit in life. So many wrong views of myself and of God and others were corrected during this time. I feel like I really couldn't go out and do the work with AIDS patients and orphans in South Africa if I hadn't been through this first part. The training develops me as a person. I'm being filled up so I can pour out. Giving out of the overflow.
Yes, I do feel called to full time overseas missions. I don't know the steps to take to get there yet, but I'm fully trusting God on this one. He knows exactly where I should be, and he's faithful to speak. DTS is just good for life. Whether or not you plan on going on the mission field, I recommend it. You learn who God is, and how to live out a life worthy of the gospel. To LIVE LIFE TO THE FULL. That's my biggest desire coming out of this. God, let me live life to the full.
Honestly, this period of time in my life has been MONUMENTAL in my development as a person, as a leader, as a Christian, and as a missionary. Thank you so much for supporting me in this. Honestly, its been the biggest blessing to have so many people back me in prayer and finances for this whole thing.
I pray, my life would be testimony enough of the change God has done in my heart.
I love you all very much.
I'm looking forward to seeing Dallas in a couple hours :]
<3 Rachel Olson.
Friday, December 3, 2010
God holds me to my word.
Sometimes the most important lessons you will ever learn happen through pain and sacrifice. Right now I feel more humbled than I ever have in my entire life. I've gone through extreme emotional highs and lows during this DTS. I've felt blessed beyond measure, and excited about the potential of my future, and at my absolute worst crying over every simple comment.
Through this all, God has shown me that its easy for me to turn to other people to be my rock and my safeplace. To feel confused and to ask someone with wisdom, rather than just ask God himself. I believed God could comfort me and give me peace, but I would rather have a tangible presence solve all the problems in the world. God has shown me that it is okay to just cry in his presence. To be real with him and let him know that I'm mad, or I'm upset, or I feel helpless and hopeless...but I can still be obedient in the midst of my frustration. If I tell God what I think--he can correct my views and really solve the problem. He's the one with all the answers.
My heart feels like I have nothing left in me. I've learned that true humility requires sacrifice. The laying down of "rights" and desires in order that God may be glorified. God's best can't be the best unless its done God's way...in his timing.
I realize I try to control God. I try to control others based on what my feelings are. I can't control everything. When things are outside of my control I get angry, I feel depressed, I get so frustrated and I work myself up. I can't change people's opinions just because I can justify things in my own mind. All I can really do is trust God to show himself strong through people and circumstances. I can't just make stuff happen. I have to prove it. I have to be diligent and stand by my word and my convictions. What good am I if I can't be obedient. God just really showed me that I've never really done something I just didn't want to do without being forced to do it.
Think about it--how many times have you really gone against your own will and flesh? I'm sitting here just praying to God that my own will hasn't been all wrong. That I haven't been ignoring the voice of God about this whole thing. Yes, I know I've missed the mark--but you keep on going. You trust in God to speak to you despite your will being pulled apart. Its funny that in my first week of DTS, I asked God to break my will...but never until now have I really felt it just fall to pieces.
The cards are on the table.
God is good. He holds me to my word. He tests my submission, obedience, willingness, and pride because He wants me to grow closer to him...
So I just gotta learn to fall into his arms instead of pull away.
-Rachel Olson
Through this all, God has shown me that its easy for me to turn to other people to be my rock and my safeplace. To feel confused and to ask someone with wisdom, rather than just ask God himself. I believed God could comfort me and give me peace, but I would rather have a tangible presence solve all the problems in the world. God has shown me that it is okay to just cry in his presence. To be real with him and let him know that I'm mad, or I'm upset, or I feel helpless and hopeless...but I can still be obedient in the midst of my frustration. If I tell God what I think--he can correct my views and really solve the problem. He's the one with all the answers.
My heart feels like I have nothing left in me. I've learned that true humility requires sacrifice. The laying down of "rights" and desires in order that God may be glorified. God's best can't be the best unless its done God's way...in his timing.
I realize I try to control God. I try to control others based on what my feelings are. I can't control everything. When things are outside of my control I get angry, I feel depressed, I get so frustrated and I work myself up. I can't change people's opinions just because I can justify things in my own mind. All I can really do is trust God to show himself strong through people and circumstances. I can't just make stuff happen. I have to prove it. I have to be diligent and stand by my word and my convictions. What good am I if I can't be obedient. God just really showed me that I've never really done something I just didn't want to do without being forced to do it.
Think about it--how many times have you really gone against your own will and flesh? I'm sitting here just praying to God that my own will hasn't been all wrong. That I haven't been ignoring the voice of God about this whole thing. Yes, I know I've missed the mark--but you keep on going. You trust in God to speak to you despite your will being pulled apart. Its funny that in my first week of DTS, I asked God to break my will...but never until now have I really felt it just fall to pieces.
The cards are on the table.
God is good. He holds me to my word. He tests my submission, obedience, willingness, and pride because He wants me to grow closer to him...
So I just gotta learn to fall into his arms instead of pull away.
-Rachel Olson
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Take Time
Wow, guys. I am so sorry that I have not kept up better with blogging. My internet on my computer stopped working--so it has been hard to find time to really post. So much is going on in my heart and in my spirit--that Its almost overwhelming to think about WHAT to say.
I've come to know God's character on a much deeper level. Its amazing how wrongly you can view life when you don't view God correctly.
I've learned that God loves me enough to want me to make choices. He delights in seeing me make wise decisions. He designed me to lead and make decisions--to trail blaze and perservere.
I've learned that sometimes sticking to your guns about something takes sacrifice and tears. There will be those who do not understand, or do not agree with what you have to say. Think of all the times when Paul was thrown in jail, or stoned on behalf of the gospel. I feel as though God wants to use me in a radical way--just like he was using Paul. To spread the gospel, and build up believers.
I am so excited to be in my calling. I have had so many strong words spoken over me that just confirm what God has already been speaking to me. I've been learning that I've changed so much. The way I view people, relationships, and the lost is just totally changed. For the better. I've learned that life on my own is scary...and that I desperately need God. To live a life of faith--of total dependance on Christ, takes daily...even hourly submission to Christ. To lay down my rights and pick up my cross. Its not just a fun idea, or even something that most Christians follow.
I've found that often time, we as Christians, try to appease ourselves by adapting the gospel to fit our personal agendas. We ask God for forgiveness more often than we ask for permission. Does anyone else see how backwards that is? Why do so many Christians view God only for his judgment...or over emphasize his grace? God doesn't just want to be your disciplinarian.. he wants to be your friend, father, and lover. An odd sounding combination. God wants to know you SO intimately. He wants to know how you feel...he wants to know what you think..and what you would like to do with your life. He wants you to talk to him...and not just TALK...but LISTEN.
Do you wonder why its so hard for you to sit down and have a quiet time? Does it feel like you're working so hard to hear something...but not getting anything? Do you ever take time in total silence? Ask God "What do you want to say to me?" ...or "What do you want to teach me through this difficult circumstance?" GUYS ITS SO AWESOME. For God to really speak to you on a consistent basis. You don't have to wait for someone to pray for you, or for you to have an awesome time at camp when someone gets a cool word for you. God wants to speak to you. He isn't looking for you to DO something to hear his voice...he desires desperately to speak to you. Its like...if your friend had something cool to tell you and they called you...but you didn't answer the phone...and then you got all frustrated because you didn't hear from your friend...so you keep calling them back at the same time they're calling you...and sometimes you just gotta wait a minute...so their call can get through.
I just want to encourage each of you to really take time to hear God speak to you.
I'm really excited because I'm going to South Africa AND Botswana now. I'll be leaving in January. SO EXCITED. I'll be back in Dallas in 3 weeks exactly. I'm so excited. I cannot wait to see everyone. To sleep in my bed, and hold my puppy. I <3 Cassie!!! mmmm
I love it all.
I love you all, and I'm so sorry I haven't been as good about posting blogs.
God is working in me...and I'm so thankful that I'm here!
I encourage all of you to do a DTS at somepoint!
<3 Rachel
I've come to know God's character on a much deeper level. Its amazing how wrongly you can view life when you don't view God correctly.
I've learned that God loves me enough to want me to make choices. He delights in seeing me make wise decisions. He designed me to lead and make decisions--to trail blaze and perservere.
I've learned that sometimes sticking to your guns about something takes sacrifice and tears. There will be those who do not understand, or do not agree with what you have to say. Think of all the times when Paul was thrown in jail, or stoned on behalf of the gospel. I feel as though God wants to use me in a radical way--just like he was using Paul. To spread the gospel, and build up believers.
I am so excited to be in my calling. I have had so many strong words spoken over me that just confirm what God has already been speaking to me. I've been learning that I've changed so much. The way I view people, relationships, and the lost is just totally changed. For the better. I've learned that life on my own is scary...and that I desperately need God. To live a life of faith--of total dependance on Christ, takes daily...even hourly submission to Christ. To lay down my rights and pick up my cross. Its not just a fun idea, or even something that most Christians follow.
I've found that often time, we as Christians, try to appease ourselves by adapting the gospel to fit our personal agendas. We ask God for forgiveness more often than we ask for permission. Does anyone else see how backwards that is? Why do so many Christians view God only for his judgment...or over emphasize his grace? God doesn't just want to be your disciplinarian.. he wants to be your friend, father, and lover. An odd sounding combination. God wants to know you SO intimately. He wants to know how you feel...he wants to know what you think..and what you would like to do with your life. He wants you to talk to him...and not just TALK...but LISTEN.
Do you wonder why its so hard for you to sit down and have a quiet time? Does it feel like you're working so hard to hear something...but not getting anything? Do you ever take time in total silence? Ask God "What do you want to say to me?" ...or "What do you want to teach me through this difficult circumstance?" GUYS ITS SO AWESOME. For God to really speak to you on a consistent basis. You don't have to wait for someone to pray for you, or for you to have an awesome time at camp when someone gets a cool word for you. God wants to speak to you. He isn't looking for you to DO something to hear his voice...he desires desperately to speak to you. Its like...if your friend had something cool to tell you and they called you...but you didn't answer the phone...and then you got all frustrated because you didn't hear from your friend...so you keep calling them back at the same time they're calling you...and sometimes you just gotta wait a minute...so their call can get through.
I just want to encourage each of you to really take time to hear God speak to you.
I'm really excited because I'm going to South Africa AND Botswana now. I'll be leaving in January. SO EXCITED. I'll be back in Dallas in 3 weeks exactly. I'm so excited. I cannot wait to see everyone. To sleep in my bed, and hold my puppy. I <3 Cassie!!! mmmm
I love it all.
I love you all, and I'm so sorry I haven't been as good about posting blogs.
God is working in me...and I'm so thankful that I'm here!
I encourage all of you to do a DTS at somepoint!
<3 Rachel
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
2010.
So rather than just tell you a repeat of the teaching from this last week, I'm going to tell you what God is speaking to me!
First of all, I love reading the Bible. We're reading through the New Testament--right now I'm in Luke--but seriously I keep coming across random verses that make me super curious. I want to know exactly what God meant what he said all this stuff! Random things I've never thought of before and random questions that pop in my head during the teachings that make me think.
I've never been this inquisitive about the Bible. I want to research all this stuff. I might even spend some time doing that this weekend.
Here is a list of examples. I won't dig into them--but feel free to look into them yourself and let me know your thoughts :]
Matthew 5:17
--So, if Jesus distinctly said the old law doesn't disappear just because He came, what does that mean for the modern day church? Tattoos etc.
Matthew 6:24
--Can you only be fully dependent on one? God alone or Money alone?
Matthew 10:29
--Do we have to totally die to our humanity to be in God's Will? Was our humanity completely corrupted when sin entered the world?
Matthew 17:11
--Was John the Baptist Elijah incarnate? Or was he just a New Testament symbol of Elijah?
Matthew 19:28
--Jesus said 12 thrones for 12 disciples in Heaven, but what about Judas?
Matthew 27:52
--It says after Jesus rose again, the tombs broke open and the dead were raised, after resurrection went to holy city and appeared to people. Is this talking about those that had died a while back--like Moses? And did they reveal their identities? Is the Holy City Jerusalem or Heaven? I don't get it!
Mark 1:34
--Why wouldn't Jesus let the demons reveal his diety?
Mark 3:29
--What does it mean to blaspheme the Holy Spirit? **I got this one answered. Ask if you're curious**
Mark 6:4
--Are most modern day churches like another Nazareth? Rejecting the prophets without any honor?
Mark 8:2
--When Jesus fed the 5000, it says the people didn't eat for 3 days just sitting listening to him--Why did Jesus wait THREE days to feed them?
Mark 14:51
--Who is the young man fleeing naked?
Luke 2:26
--Simeon had been promised by the Holy Spirit that he would see the Messiah before he died, and he did. How did he experience the Holy Spirit before Pentacost?
Luke 3:16
--Why baptized with FIRE?
Luke 6:30
--Give to anyone who asks you. Are Christians supposed to be a doormat? Service= Doormat?
Luke 7:35
--Wisdom is proved right by her children. What does this mean?
Luke 9:27
--When Jesus says they would "not taste death" does this mean they'd go directly to heaven from life, or what?
Luke 11:23
--Jesus says he who is not for you is against you. Does that contradict Mark 9:40
Luke 11:51
--What does it mean that his generation is held responsible for the death of the prophets?
Does God give you faith for salvation? Are faith and belief synonymous? Why aren't all saved if they've been given the faith to believe? What does that say about predestination?
Luke 12:47
--Does this verse support abuse in slavery?
Luke 13:4
--Is there any record of 18 people dying when a tower fell in Siloam?
Luke 13:6-9
--What does the parable about the fig tree mean?
Luke 13:24
--"Many will try to enter but cannot" Is this because they didn't know Jesus?
When Jesus was alive--and Jews died without knowing or believing He was the Messiah--did they go straight to Hell? Or only after the crucifixion? Or was there an age of accountability after Jesus came?
Luke 14:15-24
--What does it mean in this parable that those the king invited rejected him and he turned to others instead?
What does it mean that David was a man after God's own heart?
If incest was one of the reasons God made the Flood...did incest happen again after the flood to repopulate the earth? Or were the sons all married prior to the flood?
If that's not overwhelming enough for you-- God is actually speaking some things to me too--beyond just questions!
I'm getting answers and conviction too :]
One, I'm really starting to feel a burden about missions. I know God has called me to missions--but now I'm really starting to develop a heart for those people. The people that have not ever heard about Jesus. I'm at a point that if I decided to anything else with my life other than go on the mission field--I would feel like I missed it.
In all honesty, I feel like if you're not on the mission field as a missionary--your job is to go to college to earn money to fund missionaries in order to fulfill the Great Commission. For a long time I viewed the Great Commission as a collective assignment. I thought as long as people were out there--then it was being fulfilled. But no! Its a very personal and individual call. YOU ARE CALLED TO MISSIONS. If you're not going overseas--you better be doing your absolute best to reach those in your school, your job, and your neighborhood. YOU ARE CALLED.
Yesterday, we had a teacher say something about how it usually takes a year to really develop intimacy with God. I was reminded of how I told God I was giving him 2010. How this year was going to be different...and I felt like God told me "THIS IS YOUR YEAR" I'm almost overwhelmed. Its towards the end of October....I made this commitment on January 1st--and God has been faithful. I've learned so much about His character and who He is. By the end of this year, I will have been on youth staff and completed the lecture phase of DTS. In January I'll be going on outreach.
So 2010 has been like a learning/training time. and after this I'll be going on to a totally new stage of life. Literally a new decade, and the end of my teen years. God picked such a SYMBOLIC time for me to be doing this! I love it. All these monumental occasions happening to remind me that I will never be the same again.
I can't.
I know God has called me to this.
I am looking forward to doing schools after this and then continuing into whatever God has for me.
In all honesty--I am so blessed to have such encouraging people in my life, and I would love to talk to anyone about what is going on, and what God is doing.
Skype, email, phone call--whatever!
I love this, and I am excited to go to South Africa in January--and wherever God calls me to after that!
If at any point you feel a desire to bless me financially--I just figured out you can pay online! I had no idea before this!
It's www.ywamorlando.org/pay
I love you all!
--Rachel
First of all, I love reading the Bible. We're reading through the New Testament--right now I'm in Luke--but seriously I keep coming across random verses that make me super curious. I want to know exactly what God meant what he said all this stuff! Random things I've never thought of before and random questions that pop in my head during the teachings that make me think.
I've never been this inquisitive about the Bible. I want to research all this stuff. I might even spend some time doing that this weekend.
Here is a list of examples. I won't dig into them--but feel free to look into them yourself and let me know your thoughts :]
Matthew 5:17
--So, if Jesus distinctly said the old law doesn't disappear just because He came, what does that mean for the modern day church? Tattoos etc.
Matthew 6:24
--Can you only be fully dependent on one? God alone or Money alone?
Matthew 10:29
--Do we have to totally die to our humanity to be in God's Will? Was our humanity completely corrupted when sin entered the world?
Matthew 17:11
--Was John the Baptist Elijah incarnate? Or was he just a New Testament symbol of Elijah?
Matthew 19:28
--Jesus said 12 thrones for 12 disciples in Heaven, but what about Judas?
Matthew 27:52
--It says after Jesus rose again, the tombs broke open and the dead were raised, after resurrection went to holy city and appeared to people. Is this talking about those that had died a while back--like Moses? And did they reveal their identities? Is the Holy City Jerusalem or Heaven? I don't get it!
Mark 1:34
--Why wouldn't Jesus let the demons reveal his diety?
Mark 3:29
--What does it mean to blaspheme the Holy Spirit? **I got this one answered. Ask if you're curious**
Mark 6:4
--Are most modern day churches like another Nazareth? Rejecting the prophets without any honor?
Mark 8:2
--When Jesus fed the 5000, it says the people didn't eat for 3 days just sitting listening to him--Why did Jesus wait THREE days to feed them?
Mark 14:51
--Who is the young man fleeing naked?
Luke 2:26
--Simeon had been promised by the Holy Spirit that he would see the Messiah before he died, and he did. How did he experience the Holy Spirit before Pentacost?
Luke 3:16
--Why baptized with FIRE?
Luke 6:30
--Give to anyone who asks you. Are Christians supposed to be a doormat? Service= Doormat?
Luke 7:35
--Wisdom is proved right by her children. What does this mean?
Luke 9:27
--When Jesus says they would "not taste death" does this mean they'd go directly to heaven from life, or what?
Luke 11:23
--Jesus says he who is not for you is against you. Does that contradict Mark 9:40
Luke 11:51
--What does it mean that his generation is held responsible for the death of the prophets?
Does God give you faith for salvation? Are faith and belief synonymous? Why aren't all saved if they've been given the faith to believe? What does that say about predestination?
Luke 12:47
--Does this verse support abuse in slavery?
Luke 13:4
--Is there any record of 18 people dying when a tower fell in Siloam?
Luke 13:6-9
--What does the parable about the fig tree mean?
Luke 13:24
--"Many will try to enter but cannot" Is this because they didn't know Jesus?
When Jesus was alive--and Jews died without knowing or believing He was the Messiah--did they go straight to Hell? Or only after the crucifixion? Or was there an age of accountability after Jesus came?
Luke 14:15-24
--What does it mean in this parable that those the king invited rejected him and he turned to others instead?
What does it mean that David was a man after God's own heart?
If incest was one of the reasons God made the Flood...did incest happen again after the flood to repopulate the earth? Or were the sons all married prior to the flood?
If that's not overwhelming enough for you-- God is actually speaking some things to me too--beyond just questions!
I'm getting answers and conviction too :]
One, I'm really starting to feel a burden about missions. I know God has called me to missions--but now I'm really starting to develop a heart for those people. The people that have not ever heard about Jesus. I'm at a point that if I decided to anything else with my life other than go on the mission field--I would feel like I missed it.
In all honesty, I feel like if you're not on the mission field as a missionary--your job is to go to college to earn money to fund missionaries in order to fulfill the Great Commission. For a long time I viewed the Great Commission as a collective assignment. I thought as long as people were out there--then it was being fulfilled. But no! Its a very personal and individual call. YOU ARE CALLED TO MISSIONS. If you're not going overseas--you better be doing your absolute best to reach those in your school, your job, and your neighborhood. YOU ARE CALLED.
Yesterday, we had a teacher say something about how it usually takes a year to really develop intimacy with God. I was reminded of how I told God I was giving him 2010. How this year was going to be different...and I felt like God told me "THIS IS YOUR YEAR" I'm almost overwhelmed. Its towards the end of October....I made this commitment on January 1st--and God has been faithful. I've learned so much about His character and who He is. By the end of this year, I will have been on youth staff and completed the lecture phase of DTS. In January I'll be going on outreach.
So 2010 has been like a learning/training time. and after this I'll be going on to a totally new stage of life. Literally a new decade, and the end of my teen years. God picked such a SYMBOLIC time for me to be doing this! I love it. All these monumental occasions happening to remind me that I will never be the same again.
I can't.
I know God has called me to this.
I am looking forward to doing schools after this and then continuing into whatever God has for me.
In all honesty--I am so blessed to have such encouraging people in my life, and I would love to talk to anyone about what is going on, and what God is doing.
Skype, email, phone call--whatever!
I love this, and I am excited to go to South Africa in January--and wherever God calls me to after that!
If at any point you feel a desire to bless me financially--I just figured out you can pay online! I had no idea before this!
It's www.ywamorlando.org/pay
I love you all!
--Rachel
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Forgiveness and Mercy
HELLOOO!
Sorry, I haven't written for a while! I'll try to catch you up to date.
This past week, Michael Berg, spoke on Biblical Restoration--basically that means we went over what the Bible says about being restored from sin, past guilt and shame, and forgiveness. We talked about the Father Heart of God--and what that means. I realized a couple things about myself--I realized that I have a problem with knowing God as a comforter. I don't let people comfort me, because I view it as pity--which makes sense with why compassion has been a difficult concept for me to get.
On Thursday, we had a day where we got in our small groups and we went around and we prayed outloud and forgave people for specific offenses. I'm not going to lie, when I say that it was life changing. I went into it sort of wary. I didn't know what it would look like--I felt weird basically confessing all my junk to a bunch of girls I barely know...but I think God works with an obedient spirit. I literally confessed everything I could possibly confess--I had to forgive myself for a bunch of stuff, and everyone else that had done something against me in the past. It was so hard bringing up old stuff i hadn't brought up in a while. At the end of it I just have felt almost depressed and confused.
Its like all the things I used to define myself by--mistakes, misconceptions...all of it is exposed and out in the open. Satan can't plague my secrets if I don't have any secrets. I've been here thinking--who am I? I've been feeling so broken down and vulnerable--and its hard, I'm not going to lie. But it is so so good. I've been having to ask God to redefine who I'm supposed to be. To be who I was created to be.
I feel like God is creating a place here for me--and I'm so excited about that. But,I'm just so curious to see what God has for me while I'm here. Its only 3 weeks in, and I feel like I have a totally different view of myself.
Its getting to the point where I'm really having to exercise patience...and mercy...and grace. Haha. I'm sure this doesn't surprise anyone--BUT living in the same room with 7 girls is a challenge. 11 total in my house--til November, then there will be more. Just the combination of everyone's little bitty messes--dishes, bags, laundry, toiletries--it all adds up! haha But I've been feeling convicted to have a better attitude...sooooo I always appreciate prayers! haha
I love you all, and I cannot even express how grateful I am have that you have invested in my life in order to equip me to do the Lord's work.
I encourage everyone to do a DTS, whether or not they feel called to missions. It is life changing and it equips you to live a life clean before God. It teaches you how to live a consistent holy lifestyle--and its so important!
Do it people!
Love you all, please feel free to ask questions if you have any!
God Bless!
--Rachel
Sorry, I haven't written for a while! I'll try to catch you up to date.
This past week, Michael Berg, spoke on Biblical Restoration--basically that means we went over what the Bible says about being restored from sin, past guilt and shame, and forgiveness. We talked about the Father Heart of God--and what that means. I realized a couple things about myself--I realized that I have a problem with knowing God as a comforter. I don't let people comfort me, because I view it as pity--which makes sense with why compassion has been a difficult concept for me to get.
On Thursday, we had a day where we got in our small groups and we went around and we prayed outloud and forgave people for specific offenses. I'm not going to lie, when I say that it was life changing. I went into it sort of wary. I didn't know what it would look like--I felt weird basically confessing all my junk to a bunch of girls I barely know...but I think God works with an obedient spirit. I literally confessed everything I could possibly confess--I had to forgive myself for a bunch of stuff, and everyone else that had done something against me in the past. It was so hard bringing up old stuff i hadn't brought up in a while. At the end of it I just have felt almost depressed and confused.
Its like all the things I used to define myself by--mistakes, misconceptions...all of it is exposed and out in the open. Satan can't plague my secrets if I don't have any secrets. I've been here thinking--who am I? I've been feeling so broken down and vulnerable--and its hard, I'm not going to lie. But it is so so good. I've been having to ask God to redefine who I'm supposed to be. To be who I was created to be.
I feel like God is creating a place here for me--and I'm so excited about that. But,I'm just so curious to see what God has for me while I'm here. Its only 3 weeks in, and I feel like I have a totally different view of myself.
Its getting to the point where I'm really having to exercise patience...and mercy...and grace. Haha. I'm sure this doesn't surprise anyone--BUT living in the same room with 7 girls is a challenge. 11 total in my house--til November, then there will be more. Just the combination of everyone's little bitty messes--dishes, bags, laundry, toiletries--it all adds up! haha But I've been feeling convicted to have a better attitude...sooooo I always appreciate prayers! haha
I love you all, and I cannot even express how grateful I am have that you have invested in my life in order to equip me to do the Lord's work.
I encourage everyone to do a DTS, whether or not they feel called to missions. It is life changing and it equips you to live a life clean before God. It teaches you how to live a consistent holy lifestyle--and its so important!
Do it people!
Love you all, please feel free to ask questions if you have any!
God Bless!
--Rachel
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Burden
Tonight, was almost overwhelming. I'll talk about it all almost in reverse order, just so whatever is most recent to me comes first.
Tonight we had an extra meeting for the Compassion Justice DTS. John Bills was speaking about HIV and AIDS...which I will be working directly with in South Africa. He started by telling us not to pity people and to have hearts of compassion. An empathy that stirs an action response to stop the injustice.
After he said that I sort of shared that the reason I signed up for the CJDTS was because I am not a naturally compassionate person and when I see someone crying I automatically want to find a way to make them stop crying than to comfort them and help them through it. As John was speaking, God just broke me.
He talked about the AIDS epidemic and how little help was going to aid these people in comparision to the natural disasters that kill even less people. For example. 150,000 people died in the tsunami. 150,000 die in Africa each month...and what is being done for them?
We watched a video clip of a man who had been raised Christian, and then while he was in college, he had turned to homosexual relationships and contracted AIDS. He was in the hospital and a pastor came and visited him, and this man came back to Christ and realized the error of his ways. He was talking about how he wished sexual purity had been more valued in our culture...and how he had viewed God as a God that has grace for you and forgives no matter what you do, but he realized that there are consequences for your actions on earth...and now he was dying of AIDS--a natural consequence. And it said that the next day, after this man gave his testimony--he died.
The video ended and I was so moved. Ezra, my team leader, came up and had us pray for whatever God was leading us to pray for. I literally couldn't even pray aloud. I had tears running down my cheeks...overflowing. I was trying to contain sobbing. I was still crying whenever we were closing. I couldn't even talk for a while afterward.
God is so full of mercy for his children. A man, who had walked away from Christ was brought back, and God took him home. Now he has a new body, a new life, and he is free from the guilt and condemnation of his sin. I was just overwhelmed by how much God loves his children. I was sitting there just wanting to sob because I was so sorry. So sorry for being so selfish all the time. For not even thinking or praying for the people dying around the world.
Before I came on my DTS, I had been telling God--God I am not burdened for your people as much as I should be. Stir in me! And God told me..."Wait for the burden"
And I didn't know what that meant...and maybe I still don't, but honestly....I am so burdened for these people. I still want to break down sobbing. This is something that would keep me up at night.
How good is God that he knows me.
I won't go all into the other stuff as much. But we had a small group time...and we all shared our testimonies. I told my story, and afterwards I broke down. I unveiled a lot of stuff I hadn't spoken about in a while. A lot of areas where I still felt hurt and broken.
God has brought so much healing to me, and taught me so much...but there is just so much to learn.
God is speaking to me so much and even more clearly. I'm so hungry for Him.
I can't exist apart from Him.
Pray for just a release of God's word on me. I am so overwhelmed by God and His goodness and His desire to speak to me.
I encourage everyone to do a DTS. Its like going to school to learn how to hear God's voice, to have breakthrough in your life, etc. Its like what you hear in church--applied and lived out everyday...with people all around you available to answer your questions. I want to live in this place.
And who knows--God may be able to work that out :]
Taste and See that the Lord is Good.
<3 You All
-Rachel
Tonight we had an extra meeting for the Compassion Justice DTS. John Bills was speaking about HIV and AIDS...which I will be working directly with in South Africa. He started by telling us not to pity people and to have hearts of compassion. An empathy that stirs an action response to stop the injustice.
After he said that I sort of shared that the reason I signed up for the CJDTS was because I am not a naturally compassionate person and when I see someone crying I automatically want to find a way to make them stop crying than to comfort them and help them through it. As John was speaking, God just broke me.
He talked about the AIDS epidemic and how little help was going to aid these people in comparision to the natural disasters that kill even less people. For example. 150,000 people died in the tsunami. 150,000 die in Africa each month...and what is being done for them?
We watched a video clip of a man who had been raised Christian, and then while he was in college, he had turned to homosexual relationships and contracted AIDS. He was in the hospital and a pastor came and visited him, and this man came back to Christ and realized the error of his ways. He was talking about how he wished sexual purity had been more valued in our culture...and how he had viewed God as a God that has grace for you and forgives no matter what you do, but he realized that there are consequences for your actions on earth...and now he was dying of AIDS--a natural consequence. And it said that the next day, after this man gave his testimony--he died.
The video ended and I was so moved. Ezra, my team leader, came up and had us pray for whatever God was leading us to pray for. I literally couldn't even pray aloud. I had tears running down my cheeks...overflowing. I was trying to contain sobbing. I was still crying whenever we were closing. I couldn't even talk for a while afterward.
God is so full of mercy for his children. A man, who had walked away from Christ was brought back, and God took him home. Now he has a new body, a new life, and he is free from the guilt and condemnation of his sin. I was just overwhelmed by how much God loves his children. I was sitting there just wanting to sob because I was so sorry. So sorry for being so selfish all the time. For not even thinking or praying for the people dying around the world.
Before I came on my DTS, I had been telling God--God I am not burdened for your people as much as I should be. Stir in me! And God told me..."Wait for the burden"
And I didn't know what that meant...and maybe I still don't, but honestly....I am so burdened for these people. I still want to break down sobbing. This is something that would keep me up at night.
How good is God that he knows me.
I won't go all into the other stuff as much. But we had a small group time...and we all shared our testimonies. I told my story, and afterwards I broke down. I unveiled a lot of stuff I hadn't spoken about in a while. A lot of areas where I still felt hurt and broken.
God has brought so much healing to me, and taught me so much...but there is just so much to learn.
God is speaking to me so much and even more clearly. I'm so hungry for Him.
I can't exist apart from Him.
Pray for just a release of God's word on me. I am so overwhelmed by God and His goodness and His desire to speak to me.
I encourage everyone to do a DTS. Its like going to school to learn how to hear God's voice, to have breakthrough in your life, etc. Its like what you hear in church--applied and lived out everyday...with people all around you available to answer your questions. I want to live in this place.
And who knows--God may be able to work that out :]
Taste and See that the Lord is Good.
<3 You All
-Rachel
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Last Night
So last night was an interesting night. All day we went through orientation and learned about what we would be doing, and I am so pumped up to give it my all and get the most out of this experience. This is why I am here, so there is absolutely no point to slack off and not get my work done. No reason to be distracted!
But after orientation they picked us all up to go to CiCis, because we needed to be out of the church facilities. It was pouring rain and the we all loaded in the bus and ate a bunch. I was kind of feeling like a loner, bc I didn't really have anyone to sit with and I just was feeling all down on myself. Then we went to watch a move (Little Giants) at a church nearby...and I was just tired and I thought I'd rather just lay down on a pew than talk to people...so I sort of did that, and I was texting Laura and Daniel about how I was feeling totally overshadowed and upstaged...and honestly, they both just encouraged me a lot. I just needed to be myself and not be so concerned about the fact that I'm not the center of attention.
So after the movie (which ended prematurely, bc the disc was messed up) I decided to make sure no one else was feeling lonely...and therefore I wouldn't be lonely (advice of Laura Johnson)...and I just started feeling better haha...I realized I need to get over myself, and realize no, I'm not the only person here worth getting to know--and I need to make myself friendly.
So I got back to my dorm and I got on my laptop and I started talking with a couple people living in other houses...just trying to introduce myself with people and make things more comfortable. I heard Stephanie--our house leader--in the kitchen, and I hadn't talked to her much yet, so I thought I would make myself visible and become part of the conversation. So I sat down at the table and I got to hear other girls in the house open up a lot about some of their struggles and eventually the conversation turned to all 6 of us roomies acknowledging that we were placed in this house at this time for a very specific reason and we needed to tap into whatever God had planned for us. We all decided it would be a good idea to pray with each other each night before we go to sleep. So everyone shared a burden they were carrying from back home--whether about friends or family members...and we all joined in agreement and prayed for each other.
We decided to war together for each other's burdens and have faith that God is going to be moving in the spirit realm to contend for us.
I am so excited to see what God does in each of us, and in the lives of our family and friends back home.
So it is just incredible to think that God goes before us and prepares a place for us--even when we are not aware of it.
So I'm ready for whatever. I want something crazy.
Bring it.
Rachel
But after orientation they picked us all up to go to CiCis, because we needed to be out of the church facilities. It was pouring rain and the we all loaded in the bus and ate a bunch. I was kind of feeling like a loner, bc I didn't really have anyone to sit with and I just was feeling all down on myself. Then we went to watch a move (Little Giants) at a church nearby...and I was just tired and I thought I'd rather just lay down on a pew than talk to people...so I sort of did that, and I was texting Laura and Daniel about how I was feeling totally overshadowed and upstaged...and honestly, they both just encouraged me a lot. I just needed to be myself and not be so concerned about the fact that I'm not the center of attention.
So after the movie (which ended prematurely, bc the disc was messed up) I decided to make sure no one else was feeling lonely...and therefore I wouldn't be lonely (advice of Laura Johnson)...and I just started feeling better haha...I realized I need to get over myself, and realize no, I'm not the only person here worth getting to know--and I need to make myself friendly.
So I got back to my dorm and I got on my laptop and I started talking with a couple people living in other houses...just trying to introduce myself with people and make things more comfortable. I heard Stephanie--our house leader--in the kitchen, and I hadn't talked to her much yet, so I thought I would make myself visible and become part of the conversation. So I sat down at the table and I got to hear other girls in the house open up a lot about some of their struggles and eventually the conversation turned to all 6 of us roomies acknowledging that we were placed in this house at this time for a very specific reason and we needed to tap into whatever God had planned for us. We all decided it would be a good idea to pray with each other each night before we go to sleep. So everyone shared a burden they were carrying from back home--whether about friends or family members...and we all joined in agreement and prayed for each other.
We decided to war together for each other's burdens and have faith that God is going to be moving in the spirit realm to contend for us.
I am so excited to see what God does in each of us, and in the lives of our family and friends back home.
So it is just incredible to think that God goes before us and prepares a place for us--even when we are not aware of it.
So I'm ready for whatever. I want something crazy.
Bring it.
Rachel
Thursday, September 23, 2010
First Day
So I'm here. I got to the YWAM base and it was kind of overwhelming just because I didn't know many people...and there were people EVERYWHERE.
My parents took me over to my house, affectionately named K1, and I discovered I have 5 other roommates in my room and 4 others in addition to that. AHHH
Oh well, I have a pretty spacious house and everyone seems pretty cool
But I went back to the YWAM base after my parents helped move into my house.
I went through registration and got a lot of little stuff taken care of.
I think I'll get along with everyone, but I am looking forward to everyone really KNOWING each other.
A lot of the girls in the house already know each other, so I'll really have to try to get to know people.
I'm the outsider in the room--but I'm not too worried :]
Here is what my year is going to look like!
There are about 20 of us in the CJDTS.
We'll be reading Is That Really You God, The Shack, Adventure Series, and Red Letters.
As far as teaching goes I have
John Bills- Hearing the Voice of God
Michael Berg- Biblical Restoration
Ezra Griffiths- Lordship
Mary Sliter- The Seven Mighty Nations
Al McBryan- Nature & Character of God
Steve Sizemore- Intimacy with God
Dean Sherman- Relationships and Spiritual Warfare
Bob Felder- Evangelism
Steve Shamblin- Maturing in Christ
David Stabler- Inductive Bible Study
I'm pretty tired.
I promise I'll post more once more stuff gets going!
xoxox
SHOUT OUT TO JESSICA BURK!!! (and her child within)
My parents took me over to my house, affectionately named K1, and I discovered I have 5 other roommates in my room and 4 others in addition to that. AHHH
Oh well, I have a pretty spacious house and everyone seems pretty cool
But I went back to the YWAM base after my parents helped move into my house.
I went through registration and got a lot of little stuff taken care of.
I think I'll get along with everyone, but I am looking forward to everyone really KNOWING each other.
A lot of the girls in the house already know each other, so I'll really have to try to get to know people.
I'm the outsider in the room--but I'm not too worried :]
Here is what my year is going to look like!
There are about 20 of us in the CJDTS.
We'll be reading Is That Really You God, The Shack, Adventure Series, and Red Letters.
As far as teaching goes I have
John Bills- Hearing the Voice of God
Michael Berg- Biblical Restoration
Ezra Griffiths- Lordship
Mary Sliter- The Seven Mighty Nations
Al McBryan- Nature & Character of God
Steve Sizemore- Intimacy with God
Dean Sherman- Relationships and Spiritual Warfare
Bob Felder- Evangelism
Steve Shamblin- Maturing in Christ
David Stabler- Inductive Bible Study
I'm pretty tired.
I promise I'll post more once more stuff gets going!
xoxox
SHOUT OUT TO JESSICA BURK!!! (and her child within)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tomorrow.
I've looked over my blog from the very beginning sometimes and I am amazed at how far I've come since I started this. My very first post was dark and depressing. I was a soul looking for answers with my eyes closed. I just had lost hope, and I was desperate. I was debating what I should do with my life and I felt an enormous amount of pressure to have my life all figured out. I didn't know whether I should go to a university, stay at community college, or do a YWAM DTS.
Now almost a year later, I'm about to start my YWAM DTS. I'm not going into this as a means of mending my brokenness, running away from my life, or even a position for me to buy time for my future. I'm going into this confident in who I am, and who God has created me to be. My desire is to see God make me even MORE whole than I feel like I am. The awesome thing about my walk with God is the fact that He is constantly changing me and stretching my faith. I never get to a point where I'm just WHOLE and complete in myself--I need God to intervene with who I am and who I am becoming. I need his constant guidance.
This will be an opportunity for me to get away and focus entirely on my walk with God. To be obedient to Him with no distractions. What can hold me back in this situation? My school, friends, or work? NO! This is IT. I'm so ready.
I'm also freaking out :] Its easy for me to appear purely excited on the outside, but the thought of being out of my ZONE intimidates me. I feel like I'm more intimidated than I am nervous. I am used to being established as leadership at the mvmnt. I know my Move Group girls love me, and I know my family loves me, and I know I have people that support me, believe in me, and just GET me. I am starting totally over with a whole new group of friends!
Honestly, I'm more worried about how I'm going to act towards people than I am about how people will act towards me! Is a terrible side of my personality going to come out because I have 5 other roommates in one room?! Am I going to be annoying, or shy, or awkward? I have many different facets to my personality--and I don't know who I'm going to be. Which is the weirdest feeling ever. I'm scared I'm going to be the awkward kid that makes jokes that no one laughs at, or has an awkward laugh, or doesn't smile, or just gets nauseous all the time because I'm nervous. Seriously!! I feel like I'm starting highschool at a brand new school in a brand new culture.
Probably this post is just a glorified version of what I'm feeling, because my DTS starts tomorrow morning and I'm trying to get out all my legitimate concerns!!
Maybe this will help my mind. This is what I want out of my DTS.
1. I want to know God's heart for people. I want to understand his compassion for those who are desperate, and for those who may try to mask it.
2. I want to burn with a constant desire for God and his Kingdom
3. I want to learn how to be a friend.
4. I want to see myself become stronger willed in areas where I need it, and more submissive in other areas.
5. I want to get a clear picture of what the next few years of my life will look like.
Thats the plan.
I will update OFTEN. I'll let you know how my fears and concerns all play out.
I love you all.
I miss you!
(Shout out toooooooo : Mom, Dad, Josh, Joe, Jon, Cassie, Amanda, Robyn, McKenzie, Kelsey, Hannah, Catherine, Leslie, Laura, Daniel, David, Layne, Jamie, Dustin, Brittany, Perla, AND the rest of the mvmnt staff)
Now almost a year later, I'm about to start my YWAM DTS. I'm not going into this as a means of mending my brokenness, running away from my life, or even a position for me to buy time for my future. I'm going into this confident in who I am, and who God has created me to be. My desire is to see God make me even MORE whole than I feel like I am. The awesome thing about my walk with God is the fact that He is constantly changing me and stretching my faith. I never get to a point where I'm just WHOLE and complete in myself--I need God to intervene with who I am and who I am becoming. I need his constant guidance.
This will be an opportunity for me to get away and focus entirely on my walk with God. To be obedient to Him with no distractions. What can hold me back in this situation? My school, friends, or work? NO! This is IT. I'm so ready.
I'm also freaking out :] Its easy for me to appear purely excited on the outside, but the thought of being out of my ZONE intimidates me. I feel like I'm more intimidated than I am nervous. I am used to being established as leadership at the mvmnt. I know my Move Group girls love me, and I know my family loves me, and I know I have people that support me, believe in me, and just GET me. I am starting totally over with a whole new group of friends!
Honestly, I'm more worried about how I'm going to act towards people than I am about how people will act towards me! Is a terrible side of my personality going to come out because I have 5 other roommates in one room?! Am I going to be annoying, or shy, or awkward? I have many different facets to my personality--and I don't know who I'm going to be. Which is the weirdest feeling ever. I'm scared I'm going to be the awkward kid that makes jokes that no one laughs at, or has an awkward laugh, or doesn't smile, or just gets nauseous all the time because I'm nervous. Seriously!! I feel like I'm starting highschool at a brand new school in a brand new culture.
Probably this post is just a glorified version of what I'm feeling, because my DTS starts tomorrow morning and I'm trying to get out all my legitimate concerns!!
Maybe this will help my mind. This is what I want out of my DTS.
1. I want to know God's heart for people. I want to understand his compassion for those who are desperate, and for those who may try to mask it.
2. I want to burn with a constant desire for God and his Kingdom
3. I want to learn how to be a friend.
4. I want to see myself become stronger willed in areas where I need it, and more submissive in other areas.
5. I want to get a clear picture of what the next few years of my life will look like.
Thats the plan.
I will update OFTEN. I'll let you know how my fears and concerns all play out.
I love you all.
I miss you!
(Shout out toooooooo : Mom, Dad, Josh, Joe, Jon, Cassie, Amanda, Robyn, McKenzie, Kelsey, Hannah, Catherine, Leslie, Laura, Daniel, David, Layne, Jamie, Dustin, Brittany, Perla, AND the rest of the mvmnt staff)
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