Sunday, May 6, 2012

Nothing but a Vessel

Its been a while since I posted last. Life has definitely been transitioning a lot for me. My last post came when I had recently returned from my YWAM SOMD. Since then I resumed being a full time student with the hopes of becoming a high school english teacher (please do not judge my writing based on this, while working 20 hours a week at an office job, while directing the first year of MVMNT Missions and planning a trip for 18 students to go to Thailand. I also am working on maintaining a relationship, which has successfully lasted 8 months and counting, while also balancing family and friends.

I am busier than I have ever been in my whole life. It is SO hard to be emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically split everywhere. There is ALWAYS something I could be doing--whether it be studying, planning, paper-writing, spending time with my family, friends, or Corey, cleaning my room, sleeping, working, organizing, skyping, making phone calls, etc. I am just exhausted. I'm not even looking for pity. I'm just almost amazed and how different life is than I expected. I mean, I expected being busy to just mean I've got stuff to do, and its fun, because I'm being super efficient and what not. But there are so many different emotional tolls being busy takes that I did not expect.

Returning to school hasn't been so bad-- but all the paper writing and group projects have sucked my time dry. I am mentally exhausted. Having professors whose ideas challenge nearly every bone in my body-- that's been frustrating. Having to handle the brunt of the work in a group assignment because I am stuck in a team who is not well equipped to carry out the enormity of an assignment. AKA doing all the research and writing a 28 page paper on that research nearly all by myself. Papers come late at night and deprive me of sleep often times.

Working in an office has its own challenges. Just many details I am expected to remember and keep track of from week to week. I can't just leave work at the office. My brain is responsible for the inner workings of a company in some capacity and when your brain is fried, things are bound to fall through the cracks at times. Nothing I dislike more than making a mistake that negatively impacts someone or something else. And working 20 hours a week may not sound like a lot, but my life is FULL TIME in just about every other area.

MVMNT Missions has been so incredible. To see my brain, heart, and soul child come to life and to see the impact it is having on student's lives. I am hearing about students who are growing in their understanding of God and of themselves. They're growing in unity, and they're willing to serve and just do what it takes. These kids are so tough, and I am unbelievably proud of them. I cannot wait to see how they do in Thailand. I'm also learning that I am not the best leader that ever existed. I am young and inexperienced. I have heart and I have passion, and a lot of ideas and opinions. But I'm having to learn that I'm not always right, and that it is okay to LEARN and not just act like I know the answers. I am serving along side one of my greatest mentors, Jamie Bates. I mean honestly, could God be even better?! Everything I hope to be someday is working right alongside me teaching how to be a leader and letting me do it! I am blown away by the goodness of God!

However, I'm nervous too! Its one of those things where I have to remember that this dream and this vision of MVMNT Missions that I've had is NOT my dream. It is NOT my vision. It is God's. It only exists because God is his grace, is allowing me to carry out something that makes me passionate. And as much as I want to do everything that is in my power for this program to be successful---my efforts are really nothing. So whether I make a mistake every now and then or if I do it all to the best of my ability, all the success belongs to God. That being said, I am nervous to be in such a significant role over so many students. I do not take it lightly that I am being entrusted with students lives and wellbeing.

Just even as I am writing this I feel as though God is just reminding me that they are His first, then their parents, and I get to be an influence on their lives. And as we go to Thailand, it is not me that offers any protection or stability, it is the Spirit of God in me, and in each of the students. I am only a vessel. Man that is powerful!! I've been so worried about wanting to make an impact on each student emotionally and spiritually... and now I am seeing that I am not doing any of the impacting....I'm just the vessel. I cause nothing, but I carry all. I am just the pipe, and God is the living water flowing through to make the impact. Not the other way around. :]

I'm feeling better already. Ha, So instead of carrying on and on in more of a "woe is me" blog. I am going to just end it here and just be blessed that I am nothing but a vessel.