Sunday, November 29, 2009

just ignore the heartbreaker

So I feel like the coolest person ever because I am laying in my bed typing this blog. I am so excited to have a laptop! ahhhhhhh haha
it just makes me sad how short lived excitements usually are. Like in a couple months...maybe even weeks...i'll have lost the novelty of having a laptop and i'll just get used to it and expect it. i guess that applies to life too, huh? haha

i'm sick of that too...i used to be the girl who got tired of the boys and left them heartbroken. i was the heartbreaker...which i hated and loved about myself. I don't like hurting people, but at the same time I like having that power over the whole "you hurt because im gone" thing....and ughh that sounds horrible...but idk i think everyone has some of that.
because i mean it sucks to be broken up with and see the other person just move on and start dating someone else right away because you feel like they didnt even miss you or wish you were there--or hurt because of your absence. i feel like my tables have turned. no longer am i hurting others, but i am getting hurt over and over again. i'm really sick of just being a fling...but sometimes you cant even tell if something is a fling until you're already involved in it. hindsight is 20/20 i guess.

its not even like im getting broken up with repeatedly...but even if something is mutual, i hate being ignored. ughhh that kills me more than anything in the entire world. maybe i'm so narcissistic that i interpret everything as me being ignored or i'm so needy that i have to have the affirmation of others--but i just HATE it when someone ignores me. if someone doesn't initiate or carry on a conversation, if someone barely responds when you ask them someone, when someone just continually blows you off or puts you on the back burner. i feel like it goes along with being inconsiderate. i just dont like it when people stop talking to me--that hurts and i dont like hurt. that could just be a normal human thing, but i feel like it impacts me more than others. i have started to take things so personally. i just want to be wanted! i dont want to be someone you can walk all over.

errrr and its even worse when someone ignores you and treats you like you don't matter but you see them and your heart jumps a little and its like FRESH PAIN. like the reality of it sinks in. just that feeling in your chest that makes you want to cry or something! i dont like other people having that ability to toy with my emotions when i'm not constantly dwelling on the situation--or i just have to continually remind myself not to dwell on it.

i dont think i do a very good job of convincing anyone reading my blog that im over this recent "turn over." maybe its more a thing where i'm convincing myself. its not even like i really miss him--i just kinda miss that excitement that arose when things were starting to look promising--and i dont like the feeling of my hope being crushed. i feel stupid--and i just dont want to look stupid. the last thing i want to be is pathetic and stupid--but i feel like i do JUST that.
ironic, huh?

oh well--im tired
i'll let this invisible blog world go.
i think i like this better bc no one comments haha (dont get me wrong-comments are appreciated), because its not like i have to perform for anyone--i dont want to encourage someone or set myself up for some encouragement--i'm just letting my brain go and letting out some steam. i highly recommend it. it feels really good to just talk and let my thoughts go--but im definitely not one to put thoughts in a journal and save it so no one can read it--because i have to feel like i'm talking to someone or reaching someone--not just pretend.
i hope thats not a life reflective thing. i'd prefer not to live only while others are watching--i need a little balance hahah

okay, well goodnight :]

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I'm Grateful He is Faithful

I am definitely a big fan of having a blog. It really feels like an outlet for me to just speak. I honestly do not even care whether I get any comments or not--this is ME just talking, and I like it :]

Yesterday was such a good day--and I am so glad because I definitely needed it! On my way to school I just listened to some of Jennie Riddle's cd and I was definitely encouraged. Here are some little "snippets" that helped set me up for my day.

Now I'm Bound--
"Now I'm changed
My past does not define me
I'm not the same
I’m not held there anymore
Now I'm bound
To liberty and freedom
By the One who laid it down "

Dwelling Place--
"I am standing
And not falling
‘Cause You’re ending
What You’re starting
You won’t leave me or deceive me
You’ll always guide me,
Always hide me"

I was just really feeling like I can DO this. I can be more than I've been before and I can walk in consistency and it was really empowering and encouraging. It made me realize I need to just let God be my strength instead of just focusing on whether I can do something or whether I cannot do something... its always ME ME ME...but that is why I struggle--because it is not supposed to be about me!

It probably helped too that I went to bed at 8:30 the night before and then I woke up at 6:30 to write a paper then I went to class and was fully awake and aware and then I went out to lunch at Brio with Katie, then I went home and chilled and then I worked out at 5pm with Katie til like...6:45? then I got ready and met up with Mat, Amanda, and Katie at Starbucks around 8:30 then we met up with Dana, Kelly, Sarah, Chris, Chris's Friend, and Paulo at Main Event at 10pm to go bowling and then around 12 I went to Ihop with Paulo, Dana, Kelly, and Sarah until around 1:20ish. Everyone else went back to Katie's house. So I just had a fun day--full of activity, and it was fun! I enjoy spending time with people and doing stuff. I'm sick of always being home! OHHH and I took Cassie to the dogpark after class and that was good, because she really needed to get out some energy!

Today is looking promising as well. I slept in til 12 and I'm meeting people at the Park at 3 and then some more people for dinner at 7:30. I'm just happy to have plans! Its so great!! haha

I feel so glad that God is faithful. That He did not leave me and He always shows up when I need him to. He's bigger than I am, He sees more than I do, He knows what I need more than I do, He is so much MORE than me...and I hate how often I try to think I know best, because I'm so trivial in comparison to Him, and yet he VALUES me and puts me at a place of high esteem because I am His child and He sees my potential and my ability to succeed. and THAT is exactly what I need. I need a God who sees more than what IS and sees what COULD be. I'm so grateful that God has not given up on me. I have failed Him so many times, but I cannot even describe my gratitude to the fact that God stilllllllll is holding out for ME! He is GOOD and He has good in his heart for me. He isn't holding my sin against me. He does not love me less. He sees me and He knows me and He uses me inspite of it. How great is that? What more could I even begin to desire?

God thank you for filling my cup and being my joy.

<3 rachel

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

At least the voices in my head are singing...

Well I guess lately I've had a lot going on in my head, because I wrote three songs yesterday--which I'm pretty sure is a record.
They're all really rough and I'm still working out the details of them...but here you go, if this will give you a picture of my thought process lately.

Just wait a minute and hold out for me
This isn't how I want it to be
The way I melt into your arms
and find my reflection in your eyes
Its not that its sudden, just a surprise
Easy Come and Easy Go is what they say
Then why is letting go so hard
If its meant to be that way

Inevitable Inevitable
Word I hate to hear
Trivial, so Trivial
This pain is what I fear
Emotional Emotional
These tears I can't suppress
I want to rip this clock up off the wall
If time could just stop.

Oh just hold on
lets just have today
embrace this moment
before it fades away
I will not forget you
Though I might try
The way you bring up butterflies
Your smile, your laugh, your ice green eyes
simple things that make me sigh
Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye

And what did I expect?
Something different than the rest?
I must have kidding myself
I watch it walk away
Hope deferred now once again
I'm tired, so tired of losing myself

But I'll stand, I will stand
I will tell myself I'm worth it
I'm not alone, never alone
But I'm broken and in need of restoration
and I'll stand, I will stand
I will cry out for forgiveness
I'm not alone, never alone
But you saw me and you reached out to save me

Now where does my hope lie?
Somewhere different than the past
I will not keep losing myself
I'll put my hope in God
My strength, my song is found in Him
His grace, oh his grace covers me

When I look back to my younger days
I see the sun
See everyone having fun in that sun
When I look back some years ago
I see the light
and I wonder what my life would be
If I had put up fight

Would today be so dark
Would the night feel so alone
If I could only go back and tell myself
You should have put up a fight

You were wronged
You were deceived
They told you lies that you eagerly believed
You knew the truth
You turned astray
If you knew than you should have run away
Just run away


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Tired of Acting Strong

By creating a blog, I feel like I'm just trying to find another way to fit in and follow the crowd, but I can assure you that is not the case. I just like writing and I like expressing myself and I figure its easier and maybe more "mature" to do so on a blog rather than on a facebook note or myspace blog or xanga--ALL of which I have been heavily involved with in the past. (I still am a facebook fan...but that is mainly for stalking purposes rather than expression.)

I wish I could be one of those cool people in a movie who sits in their New York City loft by the window with their laptop typing up their genius thoughts or conclusions (you know the part of the movie where the person is like "Well I guess I was wrong, Diary, things DID end up okay...just not the way I expected them to be...they were better") into the void of the internet where thousands are impacted by my words and have their entire universes altered just from reading my profound thoughts. However, I understand this is something I will pretty much be writing for myself, and more than likely my mom, who will use my blog as a means of finding out whats going on in my world. haha

I don't know, World, life is crazy. I'm trying not to be restless, and I'm trying just to BE where I am, but it is pretty hard when I feel like I have nothing to hold onto. Friendships, Relationships, Jobs, People, Classes--everything just feels like its changing all the time. I feel like I'm involved in stuff, but I haven't been in a place where I have THRIVED in a long time. Like I enjoy my friendships and I like my job, and I like being on the youth staff, and I feel like God is working in me...but then I get distracted by something or I don't have time to fully commit to anything or I just give up or think the worst. I hate making mistakes, and I hate feeling like I'm constantly living up to attain something I cannot have. It makes me just want to die inside and give up, because there is no way I can possibly be good enough to make it to where I want to be. Like I can dream and dream and dream and yet never see anything come to fruition, or have someone shut me down. I just feel like I'm fighting to fit a mold I can't see--I know I don't fit, but I don't know what I can do TO fit. I have friends, but I don't even feel like any of my friendships are as close as they used to be--I have maybe one friend I can really talk to about anything--and that friendship is up and down all the time anyway, so its never even stable. I'm just sick of every conversation with a friend either being shallow, a counseling session, a catch-up-on-life, or a dealing-with-an-issue talk. I just want to BE and have friends that know exactly where I'm at and where I've been and what I go through and can encourage me. Someone to lift me and tell me I'm going to be okay and help me pursue my dreams. Like the other day someone jokingly made a stab at some issue I really struggle with and it just hurt so bad. I just wish I could have people who encourage me to do better rather than just deal or put up with me. I have no idea why I'm being so open on the internet right except for the fact that I feel like no one has gotten to HEAR me for a long time. I've always had to have an answer or a solution or a "this-will-fix-it!" and I've always been able to draw the line and put my feelings into a box so I can understand them and explain them to others, but right now I feel so lost or confused or just tired of living this monotonous unfulfilling life. I mean don't get me wrong--I enjoy my time. I can have fun--I'm not just sinking in my self-pity and depression, but its like I've had this weight on the back of my neck for so long and I've been trying to push it back and deny its existence but I just can't. I just need to let out some pent up feelings.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life! I feel an enormous pressure to make decisions or have answers that I don't have, and I never thought I would be that person who could not decide what to do with their life. People say I don't have to decide right now...but I kind of do! I need to decide what I want to do so I can decide which school to go to and then decide when I want to do things..and even what courses I should take NOW so I don't have to make stuff up later. Right now the only thing I can fall back on is "I'm going to get my Associates Degree and then go from there." My options right now are I could go to CCCC for 1 year, or 2 years, and transfer to another school and then do a YWAM DTS. or I could get my Associates then do a DTS then go to school. Or I could get my Associates go to CFNI go to school then do a DTS...or I am not even sure why I'm so set on this Associates thing? I mean I've heard the whole "wherever you are, be all there" thing...but it is hard to "be all here" when so much of HERE depends on wherever I might be down the road. I can never be just HERE. I have to consider everything. I can't start something just to end it. It hurts too much, and I don't know whether things are worth risking the pain of leaving them or not. I just don't know. I just want to DO something. I'm restless and I see all my friends off at school making friends and having adventures and just looking like they're having the time of their lives..and I'm stuck here. at home, no plans for leaving, no real solid friendships, nothing I'm real passionate about, and just nothing.

I just feel so unsuitable for anything. I can't handle relationships. I'm not strong enough to resist temptation and that's a pretty big personal let down to me, because I really thought I was. I don't feel good enough for the type of person I need, and I don't trust myself. I wish I could go back a little over a year ago and just stop myself...and tell myself how things would be. If I could erase the last year from my life i would. I think it would be worth it...even any good thing that happened--I think it'd be worth it to me to just erase it as if it never happened. That kills me. I'm 18, almost 19 and I already feel like I've blown it.

I love song writing. I feel like that's the biggest passion I have, but I don't play any instruments, and I can't sing all that great. I just WISH I could have someone just step in and beg to help me, because I am so tired of always striving. I want to learn to play guitar so I can have chords for my songs, but with taking 16 hours at school, working 30 hours a week, 6 hours a week at church, having any social life, and trying to find time to spend with my dog--who I am constantly being nagged about--I don't know how I can. I just want to give up and hide inside my little shell and sleep. Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself I sleep a lot more--because its not like I have any reason to stay up late. Its like I just want to sleep so my days will go by faster so I can get through the next couple of years or months or weeks faster. I just can't do it anymore. I'm young!! I'm supposed to have all the time in the world--I want to do things now that I can't do later. I want to just experience life. I just want to be out on my own...just me, and I want to be excited about something that will LAST. something I thrive in and I won't fall apart in. I want to be apart of something where I feel like I am crucial to it happening. I'm not one to just run with the crowd--I want to be the one who is leading it up...but I feel so unable to do anything great right now. I'm just in this rough patch and I yearn for something more.

I want someone to need me and to want me. Even just on a level of someone wanting to be my friend. Like it may sound trivial, but it kinda sucks to go from having someone to talk to all the time to not getting a single text from anyone other than my mom all day. I'm just lonely and I feel useless and I want to be USED. I don't like feeling like I'm old I've out grown my purpose. I just want to be worth something to someone. and I hate that!! ughhh I hate being this pathetic and pitiful and disgusting...but I don't know at what point I draw the line? At what point am I supposed to ACT strong and when do I actually BECOME strong. I'm so weak. I just want to be able to stand without falling--thats my biggest desire. I just don't know how I can. I mean I can be REALLY strong in a lot of areas...but I have one area I am consistently weak in, and I don't even know how to heal. I thought I was set free from some stuff. I guess I thought being set free meant I wouldn't be tempted anymore--and let my assure you that is not the case. Its not like I feel like i made a mistake so hardcore that my walk with God is slipping away, but I feel like I'm just such an idiot and I have to walk on eggshells. I distrust all relationships now. I don't think I can ever do it.

Hm. Well this is really personal. I probably should NOT post this online...but since when do I listen to reason? Of course I'll post it. I just spent quite a long time writing all of this out, so it'd be pretty lame not to post it. Well if anyone reads this--know that I'm not usually like this. Right now, my brain is just in a pessimistic funk and this post was me NOT trying to fight it at all, and just letting myself be depressed. Sorry there was so resolution--maybe next time :]