Thursday, January 28, 2010

too powerful

So right now, I am sitting the CCCC computer lab, because I got bored and came here an hour early. I'm listening to a little Bon Iver, which is pretty legit. Check out Skinny Love, if you haven't listened to them before.

Its raining right now, and its dark outside. It just reminds me of how I cannot wait to get my glasses because I hate driving at night and I hate driving in the rain, and I can barely see road signs as it I was legit nervous as I was driving.
I was literally quoting scripture the entire time, haha. I love the rain when I'm safe inside and I'm just listening to it, because its peaceful...but being out in it, is not quite as much fun.
like I used to hate the ocean because when I was little I was on my knees chilling at the very edge of the water where the waves would come in and out...and one time a big wave came up and i put my head down and it was so strong that I couldn't pull my head back up for a while and it scared me so bad. Like I didn't really start liking the ocean until a few summers ago when I went with my Epicquest group after I went to Russia.
I don't know what it is about a lot of water... I don't know. Nature scares me. Its beautiful to look at and experience, unless it goes wrong... when nature attacks, thats the scariest thing ever. You can't do anything to stop it. Its where things go above man's ability to make things right.

I kinda like that though. Like even if man has all this technology and all this stuff that supposedly is going to fix us all and be the next best thing, the very original "awesome", the earth that God created, has so much power in itself that you can't even begin to stop it. Can you stop an earthquake? Can you stop a tsunami? Can you stop a hurricane? No, you can't. and over and over again in the Bible they refer to God by comparing him to the earth. Mountains, thunder, all sorts of things.
So it kind of puts in in perspective for me to think about God in the same way that I think about the earth. You cannot stop God. He is too strong, too powerful. You may try to do all you can to resist him, but you cannot leave his presence unaffected.
How beautiful is that?
How perfect is that imagery?
maybe thats where the fear of God comes into play. That deep reverence...but maybe even a literal fear. A nervousness that knowing when God comes you cannot be unchanged. Its too magnificant.
How great is that.

I think far too many people view Christianity as a passive faith. Full of love, grace, mercy, and good deeds...which is definitely true, but at the same time it is full of POWER. Thats whats been missing from today's Christianity. People are not recognizing the awesome power of our God. They are not seeing that God has the power to transform by his power alone. Its not just about God loving someone so much that they finally feel accepted. Its God's power to take a dying man and make him whole. To take a sinner and someone so lost in their own ways that they are far too stubborn to listen to man's take that person and turn him into a man after Gods own heart. To protect, to save, to rescue... those are active words. Those are fighting words. and I think God is desiring us to start treating our salvation as a tool. As a weapon. to have a warrior mentality. what good is our faith if we keep telling people cliche things they don't understand without showing them something they know is real...without giving them that opportunity to understand that God is WORTH being served. Its not about loving everyone and being good so we get to heaven. Its about living above reproach and emulating Christ in order to be a platform that others can look to and see a life transformed by God. to see someone who is living abundantly, someone who is seeing breakthrough in their life. Someone who is filled with joy and power. Someone who is completely content regardless of their situation. That person that you don't hear complain about every act of injustice. Life. is. unfair. thats how it is. Everyone can recognize that. things happen that we don't understand, but that is just all the more reason to put your hope in God, because then you might have the shot of making it through. You might be able to stand strong while those around you crumble in their disappointment and anger.

You know!?!
I don't know why I'm just going on this tirade. I've just been thinking...Bon Iver is good reflecting music :] and so is the dimly lit hallways of an almost empty CCCC. This blog was pretty random. It wasn't so much about me... I don't know. I think whenever I used to write blogs in the past all of them happened when God put something on my heart to share. something where I was reaching out and sharing. This whole blogging experience has been about me just getting my voice out and letting out my thoughts. So I guess it was just a matter of time before I started preaching on this thing. :]

hmmm...kinda like standing in an empty church preaching to empty pews, but hoping someone will overhear from the room over and be impacted.
kinda like that :]


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

every good path

Oh life.
I started school and I feel like my classes are going to be somewhat difficult. Biology is extremely boring and my lab is 3 hours long and Drama has a lot of extra outside of school work. i feel like school this year will keep me busy.

I'm looking for a new job, because I am not getting enough hours at Borders. I was scheduled 10hours for the next 2 weeks. Thats not even $100 in a week. I'm seriously feeling desperate, because I have all these things I need money for. I just wanted to save money and live comfortably...and then Cassie started tearing holes in the wall in the laundry room so I had to buy her an $80 crate and I had to overspend my checking and dig into my savings which really makes me mad, because I really didnt want to have to do that...and I have several things I need to pay for coming up, so we'll see how that goes.

I turned 19 on Monday. On Sunday night my Move Group girls made me a cake and got me a present, and it was such a blessing. I was surprised and it definitely made my Birthday. It was one of those super nice gestures that you don't expect, but it definitely makes you feel good. :]
I had a pretty low key birthday... on Sunday I went out to BJs with the fam after church, which has definitely become my favorite restaurant. I had a couple people wish me happy birthday, but not really much else. I was fine just chilling, but I always feel like you expect something exciting to happen on your birthday and it never does. Like I always try to make my friends feel special on their birthday and get them something I know they'll like...but its cool. ha

I went to the PineCove interview tonight, and didn't find out til afterward that they had already hired their summer staff. So there isn't even a chance I'd get it.
Thats pretty disappointing to me. I don't know what to do with my summer now. I don't have a way to make money, and I can't really do a big missions trip if I need to be saving for my DTS.

I'm in a pretty down mood right now. I had been pretty upbeat the last couple of days, but now I'm not feeling very optimistic. I guess I need to start applying what I'm preaching in my move group. We're reading Proverbs and it says,
"He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path. "
I can only believe that God is guarding my course and that he will show me another good path to take.
mmm if only it was so easy to just let it go and trust God. But reading that verse in Proverbs again is encouraging and refreshing to me, because it reminds me that God is faithful and he promises to protect and guide me. :]

OH and I went to the eye doctor today, and I got glasses. So I may end up being an glasses wearer now. (especially bc I accidentally picked out frames that were a little too expensive and I promised my mom I would actually wear them) They're cute though and they definitely help me read things at a distance! So I'll be able to drive at night and sit in the back of the classroom without difficulty!


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

turn your ear and apply your heart.

So I decided that I am going to become more wise. I'm reading proverbs with my move group girls, and I figure there is no point in helping them understand it if I'm not living it out on my own.

Proverbs 2: 2-5
Turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.

My goal is to understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. I may be doing a DTS in September, but I'm not waiting til then to get more intimate in my walk with God. Part of being wise is listening to wise council "turning your ear" and "applying your heart." On Sunday, Pastor Steve gave some simple ways to make sure God is always put first. A lot of them I felt like I already did, but then it really hit me that I need to give God the first of my day. Regardless of if I spend time with God later or not, the first moments in my day need to be given to God. I'm supposed to walk with him all throughout my day not just set time aside for him for I can squeeze Him in, and starting my day with him puts me in that mindset so I think of Him more readily.

I really felt like God was wanting me to just get up early this morning and spend time with him before going throughout my day, with no pressure to be somewhere. I definitely feel the difference. Today I feel so much more alive. Yesterday I was just in a weird tired funk. I also started today with a couple cups of tea haha. Not having coffee anymore has really taken its toll on me, I am sleepy all the time. Today I wanted to start making some headway. I went to school and took Speech, which was pretty awesome. and then I came home and took Cassie on a walk (which she did successfully) then we went to get one of her staples taken out, then we went to the dog park, and now I'm just chilling and watching House. :]

I'm also going to start eating healthier again. I have so let myself go lol
I need to get back into the routine of working out and eating right. I was doing real good for a couple months, but then I just started feeling sorry for myself or something and I stopped. The better I feel about myself, the better I take care of myself. Hmm.

Okay welllllll I'm going to finish watching House :]

Friday, January 15, 2010

glass houses

So the other night I had a dream that I was living in a glass house, and people were walking by on the street looking and browsing at all my stuff. At first I was offended and I was feeling like "what right do these people have to be looking at all my stuff!" and so I started trying to hide everything, which didnt work out at all. The more I tried to hide stuff, the more stuff kept popping up everywhere. Then I noticed all these children were walking by and I was getting nervous because I was feeling like "i really hope I don't have anything that would be bad for these kids to see" So I started cleaning out my room, and I threw stuff out and made sure my room was really clean, and I wasn't just hiding stuff. Then people started throwing their bodies at my house and they started breaking through the glass and taking all my stuff. then I woke up.

I didn't think much about this dream, but God has continually brought this to my memory. I feel like its a reflection of my life.
The glass house is my life, and I went through a time where I was really rebellious and I didn't want anyone to see my life. And then I went through a time where I was really ashamed of myself and I didn't want people to see who I really was. Then I went through a time of repentance where I got rid of the sin in my life. And now I feel like I'm coming into a time of break through. Where people will see me and want what I have. Not hiding anything, just living purely and listening to the voice of God.

and this made me really excited. I am looking forward to this next phase in my life :] But it definitely makes me want to live a life so I am above reproach. Its a challenge and an encouragement at the same time.

Take it for what you will.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Decoding God

So last night and today was pretty eventful.
Josh was feeling pretty sick and he was throwing up, and we just thought it was the flu or something. But then he got severe stomach pain and we took him to the ER. We discovered it was a problem with his gall bladder. They thought they were going to have to remove it, but then they decided not to. Praise God he is home now and on the road to recovery.

I went and saw the movie Heath Ledger was filming whenever he died, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. It was SO good. I would definitely recommend it. I had no idea what the plot was about when I went into it, but it was really easy to get into and I truly enjoyed it. It had an interesting perspective that made me think.
I also saw Avatar, which was very legit. I thought it'd be nerdy, but I actually thought it was pretty cool. I mean it had an interesting worldview behind it, but I found it intriguing.

So now I've been wondering what the limits on my "no TV" fast is. I have figured movies out with friends are okay, because I don't want to make things awkward for them or to talk about it all the time. Like idk...I don't want to be like a Pharisee that boasts about my religious actions all the time, its supposed to be a personal thing between me and God. Granted, it is harder to privately give up something like Facebook, because other people notice it is deactivated and people ask questions, but regardless I feel its effective. I mean there is only so much I can do online without facebook, and if I'm on the computer, I recognize that I'm just wasting time without doing anything and that I should just put my computer aside and pick up my Bible. Its only been 2 full days, but I'm feeling like God is going to use this time.

I feel like there is a point that God is trying to make to me, and I'm exactly sure how it pertains to me yet. I sort of mentioned it in my last post, but after that I found another verse that went right along with it, and I'm just trying to figure it out.

First the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20, where the Lord was with the people and their enemies were confused and destroyed themselves

Second Isaiah 43:14 "This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:"For your sake I will send to Babylon and bring down as fugitives all the Babylonians,in the ships in which they took pride."

Proverbs 1:18-19 "These men lie in wait for their own blood; they waylay only themselves! Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the lives of those who get it."

What I'm seeing in these verses is that the things that you desire will be your demise. The Lord was with the Israelites, and their enemies who wished to destroy them, destroyed each other instead. The Lord was with the Israelites and he promised to destroy the Babylonians using the very thing they prided themselves in, and in Proverbs the desires of the foolish man leads to his destruction. I can't tell whether I'm supposed to view this as a promise or a warning.
Am I supposed to use this as a reminder to be sure to not let my foolish desires destroy me, or am I supposed to feel comforted that those who come against me will be brought down by their own foolishness. Or is it a reminder that it is only by God's favor that I am not destroyed. That he is the reason I haven't been totally defeated. Or should I acknowledge all of those possible lessons?

We'll see. I don't know exactly what this all pertains to, but I am definitely feeling strengthened in my will and self control. I thank God for that. Thats what I really want to work on this year. I want to be strong. Not physically, but spiritually. I want to be less led by my emotions or misconceptions and walk my faith with strength and boldness and the confidence that God's hand is on my life and I need to live out what I want others to see in me.

love for all :]

Sunday, January 10, 2010

a year of surrender

So Today we are starting a 21 Day fast at the Harvest, and I am feeling pretty serious about it. Usually I kinda ignore these church wide things without really participating, but I felt like it was about time I start acting as a member in the church. I am so excited to see breakthrough in my life. I'm looking forward to God just pouring out his wisdom and provision on me.

So here is the plan.
-I'm giving up Facebook for 3 weeks
-I'm giving up coffee for 3 weeks
-I'm fasting from food entirely on Wednesdays
-I'll give something different up for each week too. This week I'm fasting from TV.

I've been so tempted to just give up everything...whatever it takes. But I know its not about the actual act of giving something up, its about refocusing on God and listening to his voice. So instead of Facebook being my homepage, I made it my blog. Because I enjoy writing, and i want to record what God is showing me. I could do this in a journal or a Word document or something, but I don't know. I'm putting it here.
This is my journal more or less. I don't like writing things down by hand because my hand gets tired and I summarize things to get done with it.

So far let me tell you what God has said to me for 2010.
-He told me this year is a year of surrender. Where I need to let go of the things I've held onto dearest. My plans, my time, my relationships. I need to let go, and allow him to move me.
-He told me to find my sources of pride and get my priorities in line. In Isaiah 43 it says "For your sake, I will send to Babylon and take down as fugitives all the Babylonians in the ships in which they took pride." It reminded me that 1) The things which I take pride in can be used for my downfall and 2) Like Pastor Steve said when he talked about the story of Jehosaphat when the enemy was confused and destroyed itself, my enemy will be his own downfall. This time of praying and fasting will definitely be a time for me to identify those things and give them over to God.
-He told me that I am far too passive about sharing my faith. I need to be so much more vocal. The Holy Spirit will work for itself. It doesn't need my words or my actions to get the point across. Meaning, I need to stop being so scared that I'll say the wrong thing and people will be turned off to Christ. I need to walk and talk in faith and allow the Spirit to do it's work. The power of Christ is compelling itself, and I need to be that much more bold about sharing it.
-I need to live consistently. I need accountability. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and own up to my own actions without excuses. I need to make more time for God and stop giving myself a pat on the back for any semi-Christ-like thing I do. (That was a hard word to hear)

I'll be updating this as I go, but if you read this...just pray that God works through this time of praying and fasting and that I will use this time effectively and really give God my best.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


I haven't really written in a while. I've been so busy with finals and then work, that whenever I've had time to myself I want to chill...and idk, I just haven't updated this thing. I'm so excited about 2010. I've never been one to really be all excited about each new year, but this year I'm ready for something great.

I decided I'm going to do my YWAM DTS in Orlando this upcoming September. I feel a strong confidence that that is what God wants me to do, and I am very excited for it. I'm also strongly considering being a camp counselor at Pinecove this summer with a couple friends of mine. I am passionate about youth, and I am looking forward to being able to invest in kids lives. So I would be serving and doing something I love and also I'd be making money without really spending any, which I would use towards my DTS. I'm planning on saving a good amount of the money myself, and God seems to be opening doors for me to earn money, which is something I find so incredible.

God really has been telling me this year I need to surrender it all to Him. I'm too much of a control freak myself, and I need to let it go and really let my faith be my strong point. I want to go all in, without having a scapegoat just in case. I was praying and pleading with God for direction in my life, and I feel like God has just poured inspiration and vision on me. I am so much more motivated and positive about life right now because I AM going somewhere, and I am NOT stuck in a rut. God has the wheels turning :]

It does make me kind of sad though, because right now I am planted in the Harvest, which I love. and I will be completing the school year and most of the summer with them, but I have my Move Group of girls that I love, and if I'm gone for 5 weeks at the beginning of the summer at Pinecove and then leaving for 6months in september, they're out of a move group leader for a while. I need to make sure my priorites are straight, and I'll need to figure out how to handle that whole situation.

But I trust that God has so much more planned than I can even know, and he won't leave me or anyone else dry or without a place.
Such an exciting time right now :]