Friday, April 30, 2010

why do you worry about the rest?

It is so easy to get so caught up in life that you miss it. Lately I've been struggling with stressing about not having enough time to finish everything I have to do. Seriously, I am so busy that it almost seems unbearable. I've been dreading waking up every morning...and then the other day God just led me to Luke chapter 12 verse 25-26. "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"
I have had to constantly remind myself that I cannot do anything to add more time no matter how much I want it. This is the situation I am in and I just need to make the most of every opportunity. I can get so caught up in this panicked mode that I am completely useless. Yes, I have stuff I need to do...and it is going to be rough, but I can do it.

My circumstance isn't the worst that has ever been--so I shouldn't look at myself as more stressed or more deserving of sympathy than anyone else out there. It isn't about me. It isn't about what I can say or do. Its something where it was essential for me to experience God or else I wouldn't be making it right now. I seriously have had such a peace since God led me to that verse. He is my rock and my foundation--my everything.

I'm trusting God and believing in His power. My doubt and my stress discredits His goodness. So I'm going to make it through these next 2 weeks of school and then begin to focus on my DTS coming up--I am so excited. :]

God is good.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Faith Like That

I have read about the days of old
About the men who followed You
How they saw the supernatural
and became the chosen Few

So I stand before you now
Tearing off my earthly crown
For the one thing I have found

I want a faith like that
To see the dead rise
To see you pass by
I want a faith like that
Whatever the cost
I'll suffer the loss
I want faith like that

I'm not looking for a miracle
Signs and wonders and things there of
I caught a glimpse of what you want for me
and what I have is not enough

I read the story one more time
Of those who gave to you their lives
With no fear or compromise

I want a faith that can move any mountain
And send them to the sea
I want a faith that can break any strong hold
That keeps you, that keeps you from me

--Faith Like That
By: Jonah 33

I knew there was a reason I loved them.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I can't be the best at everything.

Today, I've just been really frustrated.
I'm just kinda feeling pushed into this place I don't want to be in--I don't really know why.
I mean, I actually had a really good day at work and stuff, but for some reason I just set into this really negative mood.
I feel like I took too many classes at school this year, and I worked too much, and my school work just isn't up to my usual standard. I understand having school projects, and I can usually see the purpose of them--but sometimes when I have a ton of busy work, it makes me angry, defensive, and unmotivated. I feel like just "sticking it to the man," when in reality all that would do is hurt me. I want this semester to be over. I want my friends to be home. I want to save my money for YWAM, I want to go on my DTS, I don't want to leave my Move Group, I want to still be involved with the MVMNT, I want to find that perfect person and get married, I want to learn the guitar and write amazing songs, I want to lead missions trips to places overseas.
Right now I just feel like nothing fits together.

I keep hearing God say to trust Him, and remember that He has never let me down, but its so hard to see sometimes! I've been so busy this semester, that I just didn't take much time to really evaluate myself and realize how lonely I really am. Maybe this is just a point where I need to recognize that God is my strength and my only stability. Friends will let you down. Family lets you down. Plans let you down. It's important to be able to move past it all and make it work. Maybe I've just been selfish and I'm only looking to see that my emotional needs are met, but I haven't been reaching out to help meet the needs of others. I push people away sometimes too. I've gotten to this spot where I almost don't want to talk to anyone who is super negative or non-spiritual, because I'm scared they will bring me down, or I just don't appreciate the conversation. I need to get in a fighting mentality where i realize its not about me and my comfort zone.

These last couple days I feel like I've slipped a little on my resolve--meaning that I am reminded that I have to fight to keep what I want. If I want to be worth fighting for, I need to fight for my own goals and ambitions. I don't want a relationship right now--I like the idea of one, but I am not ready for one now. I talked about that in my last post. It's hard when so many people around me are getting married, and I only have a couple steady friendships right now. I'm remembering that I don't want to be a desperate, settle for whats convenient, stop dreaming and moving type girl. I want so much out of life. I don't want to be someone who settles for the immediate and comfortable just because I don't have the patience to wait for the very best. I see the best in my future. I know God has my life in His hands, and everytime I try taking it into my own hands I just can't do a good enough job. I'm almost at this spot where I want to blame everything on school, work, or not getting enough sleep. But i know its me. Life never gets to a point where its all just easy and makes sense. There is a challenge in everything, but if there wasn't--would I really want to live it? I like the challenge. I like the sweet relief of achieving something and finally getting something I've worked hard for.

I'm just having this huge humbling experience where I'm realizing I shouldn't "think of [myself] as more highly than [I] ought." I'm not the perfect employee that deserves a raise and trainer position because I'm more qualified than anyone else. I'm not the perfect student who barely has to try and still makes good grades. I'm not the perfect daughter who is never disrespectful and always does everything right. I'm not the perfect, or first choice friend. I'm not the best songwriter there ever was. I'm not the hottest thing around.
I cannot always be the best. I can't do everything I want. I can't be everything I wish I could be. Its so easy to strive and strive and want to BE everything. I feel like I am just a blame caster. I'm always saying that I spread myself too thin that I can't really develop anything I've involved in to its fullest potential. Which partially is true, but then whenever I do have time, I rarely take the time to teach myself guitar, or study, or go to the gym--i would rather selfishly take some "Me" time, and watch TV, and then get angry later on about not being the best.
Does it make sense? No. But does anything ever fully make sense?

I just need to trust, and find a way to find joy in all circumstances without having this heavy "i can't do anything" feeling weighing down on me all the time.

Ha--this is such a drastic different message than my last post.
Great illustration of my life. :]

<3 rachel

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Relations, Convictions, and Timothy

Do you ever take notice of how people relate to each other? How their upbringing or social situation plays a part on how they respond to certain people in certain situations? That is basically the number one thing that interests me. I love people watching, and I love analyzing people--which I suppose can be a bad thing, but at the same time I find it very helpful.

If you understand why someone acts the way they do, in a general way of speaking, you can learn to excuse or analyze specific actions of a person. Like how some people are way more open to talking about their emotions than others or how someone relates to the opposite sex.

I've been thinking--is it better to really understand person wholly before you take a chance in getting close with them, or is it better to keep a bigger distance and only understand a few select people. I don't know if that makes sense. Do we really need to KNOW a lot of people? is it necessary for other people to really KNOW me? I'm getting to a point in my life where I feel like my beliefs and presuppositions are changing every day. Not life shattering stuff that is going to ruin me or anything. But I have just more and more realized that I have stronger and more specific opinions about certain topics or events than I initially thought.

Example: I used to think that dating was really just something you could do for fun. You can just enjoy being with someone and it just be a casual fun thing. But at this point in my life I feel like dating someone for that reason would be a serious waste of time. I am not interested in something casual. Right now I'm not even dating...but when I do. I'm going to be serious about it. Which scares me. It makes me want to wait like 10 years before I even think of dating so I can get all my stuff together. But I mean who knows? It's not like a thought thats always on my mind...but it is really hard not to think farther into my future when I have so many friends that are engaged or getting married. I'm beginning to feel like I'm supposed to follow suit haha. I don't feel like I'm just 19. Hopefully I'm not just acting like I'm 19...because I know a lot of really immature and stupid 19yr olds. But I feel like I'm just being very practical and taking things seriously in my life.

I've also realized that I can't overbook myself or else nothing I do can succeed. It is so hard to not want to invest myself in everything I want to do. But if I can only do everything half way...what good is it? you know? I'm just ready for something serious in my life. I am ready for some actual excellence in some area. I rarely have truly invested myself in something...and whenever I do, I succeed. I don't know why I don't always have the motivation to go all in, but it really is an off and on type thing. Like Western Civ...maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like I rocked that. I loved it and I got passionate about it. It brought something out in me that made me want to succeed. I feel like that about the MVMNT too...but at the same time I feel so limited on what I can offer to really express how excited I am about it.

Today, I feel like such a passionate individual. I feel like every desire or longing in my heart is full swing today. Not in a bad way...but in a way where I feel like I am just walking with God smiling down at me today. Like its just so refreshing. I love it when I feel like smiling all the time, and I feel like laughing and I just feel like I can do anything. This sounds so lame or cheesy, but today i CAN DO IT. Other days everything feels feels like I can never accomplish a single thing I have to do...but today I am pumped up.
I am fired up
I am writing songs again and poetry and I feel like my words are just pouring out of me. Like a day where my thoughts are actually coming across when I speak. I can identify who I am and what I want.

You know what it is? Lately, I've just been having such a hard time really digging into the Word. Like I'd read my Bible but I just couldn't get into it and get hungry for it. On Wednesday last week, Dustin talked about how we need to get a mentality where its not like "I read my Bible because I have to" but " I read my Bible because I NEED to." thats what I was missing.
Lately I've just been trying to tear away at the scriptures. I am reading stuff...and I have questions about it. Like it feels like something I haven't read something I just HAVE TO KNOW! I want to take the Bible for what it says. I'm getting to this place where I've been thinking...."have I been picking and choosing what I want to believe??" I don't want to do that...but I want some answers! lol

The other day God put in on my heart to think of myself like Timothy. Like a young disciple eager to learn. I'm so blessed to have people like Brittany and Jamie in my life who I look up I feel like I am in training MODE. I'm so ready for it. ahhh I'm so stoked guys.
sooo freaking stoked. :]


Monday, April 5, 2010

Movement. (a poem)

I'd better speak my mind
Or else I'd be wasting your time.
I'm going to let my mind go free
An artistic arrangement of words written by me
Not eloquent or well-expressed
But something that will perhaps put your mind to the test.
We say we are a movement
We say we're on the go
We say that we are willing to follow wherever He may show
But are we really ready to die to self to live for Him?
Are we really dedicated enough to keep on going when our light grows dim?
Death is not a painless process
Death is more than a few meaningless words we confess
It's an action, it's a verb
It's daily moving past your pride to lead you to the verge
We're a wave of intense passion
A striking sensation meant to change the life we fashion
Good is good, but its not the best
Jesus died to save your life--so you better consider yourself blessed
It's not about you
It's not about me
Its not even about us living forever in eternity
When those around don't know or see the truth
Don't you think your life should serve as the proof?
Of a God who sees and knows and loves and cares
A God who comforts and holds and mends those in the deepest despair.
Don't think for a minute your life doesn't count
Who knows who you can reach if you just take your life into account
You are precious and loved and well equipped for service
You have a God who loves and guides even when you get nervous
Your mission is simple: tell the good news
Follow or not--thats the choice you choose
If you want to influence a fallen generation
Get on your knees and pray without ceasing
Something small and unseen by most
Which really gives you no room to boast
Laying your life on the line, and doing something great
Doesn't even matter if you're doing it all for your own sake
Live it right and live it shouting out the message
Watch Jesus ruin lives and clean up their wreckage
You're the voice--You're the momentum
It is your job, so you better tell them
You are the Movment
I am the Movement
HE is our Movement.