Today, I've just been really frustrated.
I'm just kinda feeling pushed into this place I don't want to be in--I don't really know why.
I mean, I actually had a really good day at work and stuff, but for some reason I just set into this really negative mood.
I feel like I took too many classes at school this year, and I worked too much, and my school work just isn't up to my usual standard. I understand having school projects, and I can usually see the purpose of them--but sometimes when I have a ton of busy work, it makes me angry, defensive, and unmotivated. I feel like just "sticking it to the man," when in reality all that would do is hurt me. I want this semester to be over. I want my friends to be home. I want to save my money for YWAM, I want to go on my DTS, I don't want to leave my Move Group, I want to still be involved with the MVMNT, I want to find that perfect person and get married, I want to learn the guitar and write amazing songs, I want to lead missions trips to places overseas.
Right now I just feel like nothing fits together.
I keep hearing God say to trust Him, and remember that He has never let me down, but its so hard to see sometimes! I've been so busy this semester, that I just didn't take much time to really evaluate myself and realize how lonely I really am. Maybe this is just a point where I need to recognize that God is my strength and my only stability. Friends will let you down. Family lets you down. Plans let you down. It's important to be able to move past it all and make it work. Maybe I've just been selfish and I'm only looking to see that my emotional needs are met, but I haven't been reaching out to help meet the needs of others. I push people away sometimes too. I've gotten to this spot where I almost don't want to talk to anyone who is super negative or non-spiritual, because I'm scared they will bring me down, or I just don't appreciate the conversation. I need to get in a fighting mentality where i realize its not about me and my comfort zone.
These last couple days I feel like I've slipped a little on my resolve--meaning that I am reminded that I have to fight to keep what I want. If I want to be worth fighting for, I need to fight for my own goals and ambitions. I don't want a relationship right now--I like the idea of one, but I am not ready for one now. I talked about that in my last post. It's hard when so many people around me are getting married, and I only have a couple steady friendships right now. I'm remembering that I don't want to be a desperate, settle for whats convenient, stop dreaming and moving type girl. I want so much out of life. I don't want to be someone who settles for the immediate and comfortable just because I don't have the patience to wait for the very best. I see the best in my future. I know God has my life in His hands, and everytime I try taking it into my own hands I just can't do a good enough job. I'm almost at this spot where I want to blame everything on school, work, or not getting enough sleep. But i know its me. Life never gets to a point where its all just easy and makes sense. There is a challenge in everything, but if there wasn't--would I really want to live it? I like the challenge. I like the sweet relief of achieving something and finally getting something I've worked hard for.
I'm just having this huge humbling experience where I'm realizing I shouldn't "think of [myself] as more highly than [I] ought." I'm not the perfect employee that deserves a raise and trainer position because I'm more qualified than anyone else. I'm not the perfect student who barely has to try and still makes good grades. I'm not the perfect daughter who is never disrespectful and always does everything right. I'm not the perfect, or first choice friend. I'm not the best songwriter there ever was. I'm not the hottest thing around.
I cannot always be the best. I can't do everything I want. I can't be everything I wish I could be. Its so easy to strive and strive and want to BE everything. I feel like I am just a blame caster. I'm always saying that I spread myself too thin that I can't really develop anything I've involved in to its fullest potential. Which partially is true, but then whenever I do have time, I rarely take the time to teach myself guitar, or study, or go to the gym--i would rather selfishly take some "Me" time, and watch TV, and then get angry later on about not being the best.
Does it make sense? No. But does anything ever fully make sense?
I just need to trust, and find a way to find joy in all circumstances without having this heavy "i can't do anything" feeling weighing down on me all the time.
Ha--this is such a drastic different message than my last post.
Great illustration of my life. :]