Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Relations, Convictions, and Timothy

Do you ever take notice of how people relate to each other? How their upbringing or social situation plays a part on how they respond to certain people in certain situations? That is basically the number one thing that interests me. I love people watching, and I love analyzing people--which I suppose can be a bad thing, but at the same time I find it very helpful.

If you understand why someone acts the way they do, in a general way of speaking, you can learn to excuse or analyze specific actions of a person. Like how some people are way more open to talking about their emotions than others or how someone relates to the opposite sex.

I've been thinking--is it better to really understand person wholly before you take a chance in getting close with them, or is it better to keep a bigger distance and only understand a few select people. I don't know if that makes sense. Do we really need to KNOW a lot of people? is it necessary for other people to really KNOW me? I'm getting to a point in my life where I feel like my beliefs and presuppositions are changing every day. Not life shattering stuff that is going to ruin me or anything. But I have just more and more realized that I have stronger and more specific opinions about certain topics or events than I initially thought.

Example: I used to think that dating was really just something you could do for fun. You can just enjoy being with someone and it just be a casual fun thing. But at this point in my life I feel like dating someone for that reason would be a serious waste of time. I am not interested in something casual. Right now I'm not even dating...but when I do. I'm going to be serious about it. Which scares me. It makes me want to wait like 10 years before I even think of dating so I can get all my stuff together. But I mean who knows? It's not like a thought thats always on my mind...but it is really hard not to think farther into my future when I have so many friends that are engaged or getting married. I'm beginning to feel like I'm supposed to follow suit haha. I don't feel like I'm just 19. Hopefully I'm not just acting like I'm 19...because I know a lot of really immature and stupid 19yr olds. But I feel like I'm just being very practical and taking things seriously in my life.

I've also realized that I can't overbook myself or else nothing I do can succeed. It is so hard to not want to invest myself in everything I want to do. But if I can only do everything half way...what good is it? you know? I'm just ready for something serious in my life. I am ready for some actual excellence in some area. I rarely have truly invested myself in something...and whenever I do, I succeed. I don't know why I don't always have the motivation to go all in, but it really is an off and on type thing. Like Western Civ...maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like I rocked that. I loved it and I got passionate about it. It brought something out in me that made me want to succeed. I feel like that about the MVMNT too...but at the same time I feel so limited on what I can offer to really express how excited I am about it.

Today, I feel like such a passionate individual. I feel like every desire or longing in my heart is full swing today. Not in a bad way...but in a way where I feel like I am just walking with God smiling down at me today. Like its just so refreshing. I love it when I feel like smiling all the time, and I feel like laughing and I just feel like I can do anything. This sounds so lame or cheesy, but today i CAN DO IT. Other days everything feels feels like I can never accomplish a single thing I have to do...but today I am pumped up.
I am fired up
I am writing songs again and poetry and I feel like my words are just pouring out of me. Like a day where my thoughts are actually coming across when I speak. I can identify who I am and what I want.

You know what it is? Lately, I've just been having such a hard time really digging into the Word. Like I'd read my Bible but I just couldn't get into it and get hungry for it. On Wednesday last week, Dustin talked about how we need to get a mentality where its not like "I read my Bible because I have to" but " I read my Bible because I NEED to." thats what I was missing.
Lately I've just been trying to tear away at the scriptures. I am reading stuff...and I have questions about it. Like it feels like something I haven't read something I just HAVE TO KNOW! I want to take the Bible for what it says. I'm getting to this place where I've been thinking...."have I been picking and choosing what I want to believe??" I don't want to do that...but I want some answers! lol

The other day God put in on my heart to think of myself like Timothy. Like a young disciple eager to learn. I'm so blessed to have people like Brittany and Jamie in my life who I look up I feel like I am in training MODE. I'm so ready for it. ahhh I'm so stoked guys.
sooo freaking stoked. :]


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