my late night emotional battle.

So I'm laying in my bed trying to fall asleep, and I can't.
I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now.

I'm leaving for my YWAM DTS in 2months. Still a substantial amount of time...but I am just so broken up about it. I have been crying in my bed all night thinking about leaving the girls in my move group and leaving the youth staff. Why? I'll tell you.

Back in 2008, when I went to Russia, I felt God call me to missions and ministry. I was having my quiet time, reading in my Bible in this little glass foyer outside the church. I was praying and worshiping and I felt God tell me to look up. I looked up and I saw a piece of paper blowing in the wind. I felt like God told me that I was that piece of paper, and He was the wind. He would carry me and guide me, but I would never know where I was going. I was going to be blown by the wind, but that God would be with me always. The paper settled on the ground and I got up and picked it up, only to find a verse written on the paper about people knowing we were Jesus' disciples by our love. (I lost the paper...so I'm not exactly sure which verse) I was so excited.

I came back and had my Sr. Year. I didn't really live up to the promise God had made me...I just kinda had this attitude where I assumed it would happen eventually, but I made no steps to make it happen for myself. I didn't pursue the dream God had birthed inside of me. So I didn't feel freedom to do a YWAM DTS right out of highschool when I graduated. Instead I was invited to be on staff with the MVMNT. I accepted.

God seriously knows me better than I could ever know myself. Being on staff at the MVMNT has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I've been under extremely Godly leadership with Dustin and Jamie. I see how a team and leadership is supposed to successfully function. How prayer is so vital to ministry. I've been able to see God move mightily in our students. I've been exposed to how real and relevant the gifts of the Holy Spirit are. I've seen kids healed, saved, and set free from bondage at the MVMNT--and it has more than tripled since it began when I was a student. That is incredible. I've been able to mentor an incredible group of girls. I'm serious when I say they are world-changers. Not a single one of them is apathetic and not really caring about their faith. They are so hungry for God, and I am so blessed to have been able to even know them. I cannot wait to see what God does with them. They're going to change the world. I know it.

The more I've been with the MVMNT the more in touch with God I've become. I feel like I've heard about God and I've known about God for so long. I've been excited by the stories about Him and I've been excited to see that God does move...Not even apathetic...I've been hungry for God, but it hasn't been until lately that I have just HEARD THE VOICE OF GOD. Its one thing to hear that God loves you. It's another thing to hear God tell you he loves you Himself. Wowwwww. I feel like I keep hearing God speak to me, and every time I am moved to tears. I don't know how I can not get emotional when I hear God speak to me. It makes me excited that I'm getting to have a more intimate relationship with God.

So tonight at our leaders meeting, I felt God remind me of how he called me into ministry. About being carried by the wind...and then he gave me something new. We were worshiping and I was standing by the wall with my hands lifted and God gave me a picture of me as a little girl standing before God saying "Daddy! Teach me how to dance! I want to dance like you do!" and he picked me up and placed my feet on top of his feet and held my hands and we began to dance. He said... "Hold onto me, and I'll teach how to dance." Then Ben started singing something about going....and just go. I started just cryinggggg and God was just speaking over me... "I called you. I called you. I called you." "Just go. Trust me. I know you. I know your heart. Trust me to guide your heart." and then I was reminded of the story of Abram, and I feel like the call God gave to Abram is the same call He is giving me, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." And Abram left. He packed up and left...he didn't know where he was going, but he trusted that God would show him the land.

I feel like thats where I'm at now. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing after my DTS. For a while I was just assuming I'd come back and go to school--but I don't even know anymore. God has just over and over again told me to trust him. To be still and know that He is God. That is in control...and I need to let go of the things I want and the things I think are good and just trust that God is moving me.

So I've been crying all night, because I wonder if God is going to call me back to the MVMNT, or if it was just something that meant to be in my life for just a season. It breaks me heart to think that I may not come back to this. Maybe I'm coming to the end of this. I don't know if I want to go to school--and I honestly don't care. I trust God to bring me through every valley and over every mountain. But it hurts. Not to say I won't be called back to the MVMNT. But God has over and over again told me to leave with no strings attached. Its a lot harder than it looks.

My life is changing so drastically. It's hard. I appreciate your prayers.

Taste and See that the Lord is Good.

So let me tell you what God is doing in my life.

Heading into the mvmnt summer camp, I was feeling a little unsteady. I was beginning to doubt how well I was able to hear God's voice. There were some things I was getting upset about--with what I felt was a righteous anger--but I was beginning to think I was seeing things all wrong and it made me feel like I didn't have any place to be upset. I was doubting whether God was actually speaking to me, or if I was just listening to my own uncertainty and bias. I was almost wary of what would happen at camp. I expected to try my best to give and to serve, but I didn't really expect God to rock my world. I came with expectation of God to move in the lives of students--but not for myself. Fortunately, God doesn't limit himself to our expectations.

The first night of camp, I was heading into pre-service prayer. I was tired, hot, and just all around distracted. I spent the majority of the prayer time just trying to focus myself on God, and asking God to show up despite our (my) weariness. Towards the end I just felt God tell me to stop talking. I just stood there with my face towards the wall and I felt God speak to me. Stronger than I have ever heard God's voice before I heard God said "I love your heart. I love your voice." It hit me so powerfully that I just started crying. No one was praying for me, no one was talking to me. I was just there by myself with God. It was the most peaceful moment I can think of. I felt like God was reassuring me that he saw my heart, and my motives, and my frustration and that He loved me. That I wasn't crazy for being upset like I was--and that he loved my heart behind my frustration. I remember thinking "God, if this is all I get from you this entire weekend--it is enough. It is more than enough." I was excited about that.

The service started, and the kids all piled in the room. I was feeling attentive and aware of God's spirit, and how he was moving. We played a few games and started worship. God's presence just settled in that room. Students were just pressing in, and getting ministered to, on the first night, before the message, before the ministry time. Just the worship alone was touching lives. A song was ending and Dustin came up on the stage. He said "Where is Rachel Olson? Come up here." and I came up to the front. Surprised--because I've never had a word spoken over me publicly before, and I felt like God had already moved in me for the weekend. I went up to the front, and several leaders laid hands on me. Dustin spoke over me that I was a woman of God, and that God wanted to affirm that for me. That I saw my faith as one-dimensional, when there was so much more to God that God wanted to reveal to me. He said the past six months have been difficult and challenging for me, but that God saw me, and knew me, and that God loved my heart. That my heart had been broken and torn apart, but that God loved my heart and wanted to bring healing. That God was giving me a strong heart. That I am strong and a mighty woman of God. As soon as Dustin said that God loved my heart---I just started sobbing. That was such a strong word from the Lord. The fact that God spoke to me on my own and then just completely affirmed that through Dustin. I'm even crying as I write this. Like God MOVED in me. I can't even begin to express how completely encaptured and enraptured I feel that God sees me. I wanted to just rest in that place...just soak in that word. But worship was over, and the message began. Fortunately, God was able to take me right back to that place over and over again in worship, where I could just bask in His glory.

There was another moment in worship where I just heard God tell me that it is easy for me to get fired up and to jump around and stir up my passion for Him, but that I need to learn to rest in His presence in the quiet times. So I just stood there as the words "I want to look at the face of the one that I love. Want to stand in Your presence, thats where I belong" played in the background. God showed me that in His presence--healing comes. Restoration, peace, joy, love. Everything is made complete and whole in God's presence. I'd heard that so many times--but I finally understood and experienced it. Answers come in God's presence. God moves in His presence. and that I have the Holy Spirit in me, and I can bring God's presence with me. It can be in my room, in my car, at the mvmnt, when i'm anywhere.

I was reading in my Bible in Acts 9, where Saul was converted and became Paul. Saul was a pharisee. He studied the scriptures. He knew all the text book knowledge. But he was a major threat to the church. He was murdering Christians and getting them sent to jail. He was doing everything in his power to stop the Gospel from being spread. He was traveling on a Damascus road--when a blinding light stopped Him in His tracks and he was blinded by scales that formed on his eyes. He audibly heard God speak to him and give him a mission. He went into the city where a prophet of the Lord was urged to come and pray for him. He was prayed for, the scales fell off and he was never the same. He changed his name to Paul and he went along preaching that Jesus was Lord. The church was skeptical of him, but it says "Yet Saul grew more and more powerful and baffled the Jews living in Damascus by proving that Jesus is the Christ." Paul went on to write the majority of the New Testament. He spread the gospel all over the world. God used him BIG TIME.

From reading this I realized that Paul had had the answers the whole time. He knew the knowledge. He had been taught it from a young age--but he didn't get it. He was persecuting the church--and then he had an encounter with the Living God--Jesus. Once he experienced the presence of God on that road in Damascus--he was never the same. In God's presence...all the answers came together, and he was able to use that knowledge he once used to rebuke the church--to PROVE that Jesus was the Christ. It was the presence of God that made it all come together. How many of us have questions and doubts and mindsets that can totally get shattered, wrecked, and perfected by the presence of God?

WOWWW.
So now. I'm different. I know God has healed my heart--even areas I didn't know were broken. I feel like a different person. I know I won't ...can't...be the same after this. So I'm writing it down, to show you what God has done, and to remember for myself what He did for me.

Love you all.
-Rachel


P.S. When I came back from my trip. I had an $1000 check waiting for me for my YWAM DTS. As if God hadn't already done enough.... I am so incredibly blessed

Mercy

This is a song I wrote.
I love it.


Cast the first stone if you are without sin
Look into my eyes if you are blameless
A sinful woman, broken and accused
All her past exposed into the open
Jesus stooped down, writing in the dirt
He forgave before he knew her shame
Leave your life of sin
Go and sin no more
A task that daunts the strongest warrior
Now I find myself standing in that place
Wanting to move on without resistance

Now who I've become meets who I've been
And the battles I've won seem like they're not over
I want it gone, no it cannot last
But you can't outrun the pain of your past
The script has been written,
the words have been spoken
The battle is won but I'm still bleeding
But when I look in those eyes of grace
I know His love looked and sought my face

Draw a drink for me, woman at the well
Why are you alone all by yourself
A sinful woman, lonely and abused
All her past is hidden by her secrets
Jesus looked at her, and he saw the truth
But he chose not to cause her shame
Living Water
Will quench your longing thirst
Never again will you be wanting
Now she found herself free from her disgrace
But with freedom comes persistence