Wednesday, July 28, 2010

my late night emotional battle.

So I'm laying in my bed trying to fall asleep, and I can't.
I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now.

I'm leaving for my YWAM DTS in 2months. Still a substantial amount of time...but I am just so broken up about it. I have been crying in my bed all night thinking about leaving the girls in my move group and leaving the youth staff. Why? I'll tell you.

Back in 2008, when I went to Russia, I felt God call me to missions and ministry. I was having my quiet time, reading in my Bible in this little glass foyer outside the church. I was praying and worshiping and I felt God tell me to look up. I looked up and I saw a piece of paper blowing in the wind. I felt like God told me that I was that piece of paper, and He was the wind. He would carry me and guide me, but I would never know where I was going. I was going to be blown by the wind, but that God would be with me always. The paper settled on the ground and I got up and picked it up, only to find a verse written on the paper about people knowing we were Jesus' disciples by our love. (I lost the I'm not exactly sure which verse) I was so excited.

I came back and had my Sr. Year. I didn't really live up to the promise God had made me...I just kinda had this attitude where I assumed it would happen eventually, but I made no steps to make it happen for myself. I didn't pursue the dream God had birthed inside of me. So I didn't feel freedom to do a YWAM DTS right out of highschool when I graduated. Instead I was invited to be on staff with the MVMNT. I accepted.

God seriously knows me better than I could ever know myself. Being on staff at the MVMNT has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I've been under extremely Godly leadership with Dustin and Jamie. I see how a team and leadership is supposed to successfully function. How prayer is so vital to ministry. I've been able to see God move mightily in our students. I've been exposed to how real and relevant the gifts of the Holy Spirit are. I've seen kids healed, saved, and set free from bondage at the MVMNT--and it has more than tripled since it began when I was a student. That is incredible. I've been able to mentor an incredible group of girls. I'm serious when I say they are world-changers. Not a single one of them is apathetic and not really caring about their faith. They are so hungry for God, and I am so blessed to have been able to even know them. I cannot wait to see what God does with them. They're going to change the world. I know it.

The more I've been with the MVMNT the more in touch with God I've become. I feel like I've heard about God and I've known about God for so long. I've been excited by the stories about Him and I've been excited to see that God does move...Not even apathetic...I've been hungry for God, but it hasn't been until lately that I have just HEARD THE VOICE OF GOD. Its one thing to hear that God loves you. It's another thing to hear God tell you he loves you Himself. Wowwwww. I feel like I keep hearing God speak to me, and every time I am moved to tears. I don't know how I can not get emotional when I hear God speak to me. It makes me excited that I'm getting to have a more intimate relationship with God.

So tonight at our leaders meeting, I felt God remind me of how he called me into ministry. About being carried by the wind...and then he gave me something new. We were worshiping and I was standing by the wall with my hands lifted and God gave me a picture of me as a little girl standing before God saying "Daddy! Teach me how to dance! I want to dance like you do!" and he picked me up and placed my feet on top of his feet and held my hands and we began to dance. He said... "Hold onto me, and I'll teach how to dance." Then Ben started singing something about going....and just go. I started just cryinggggg and God was just speaking over me... "I called you. I called you. I called you." "Just go. Trust me. I know you. I know your heart. Trust me to guide your heart." and then I was reminded of the story of Abram, and I feel like the call God gave to Abram is the same call He is giving me, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." And Abram left. He packed up and left...he didn't know where he was going, but he trusted that God would show him the land.

I feel like thats where I'm at now. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing after my DTS. For a while I was just assuming I'd come back and go to school--but I don't even know anymore. God has just over and over again told me to trust him. To be still and know that He is God. That is in control...and I need to let go of the things I want and the things I think are good and just trust that God is moving me.

So I've been crying all night, because I wonder if God is going to call me back to the MVMNT, or if it was just something that meant to be in my life for just a season. It breaks me heart to think that I may not come back to this. Maybe I'm coming to the end of this. I don't know if I want to go to school--and I honestly don't care. I trust God to bring me through every valley and over every mountain. But it hurts. Not to say I won't be called back to the MVMNT. But God has over and over again told me to leave with no strings attached. Its a lot harder than it looks.

My life is changing so drastically. It's hard. I appreciate your prayers.

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