I've been meaning to write a new post for a while, just about life and happy things and and all the cool things God is doing--but instead I'll write what I need to.
Once again, I'm laying in my bed unable to sleep because I have thoughts running through my mind and tears streaming down my cheeks.

Death.
I hate it.

This past Monday, I found out an old co-worker, and friend, passed away from a head injury. He was 22 years old, and his name was Derek Riley. I hadn't been close to him for a while, but I remember all these funny stories with him. We would have stupid relay races where we would try on the biggest pair of shoes we could find and run around the store...and time it to see who could do it the fastest. It was just funny and it made my first job fun. I saw about a month ago at a going-away party...and while there was some room for people to be concerned about some decisions he was making...he was getting his life together. He had gotten promoted, and life was looking good. Then all the sudden...he's gone.

I have such a deep sorrow in my chest everytime someone dies. And I am getting so sick and tired of people dying. Losing people, or people I love losing people they love. Friends have lost parents, siblings, roommates...and I have been laying in my bed thinking about some of these deaths.

Last September, I lost another co-worker, Will Thompson. Will was probably the first person who died that just shocked me and rattled my world. He was either 23 or 24 and he was in a car accident while the roads were flooding. I had talked with him a week before, and I had regularly worked with him before that. He was the first person I met when I started at Brio--and I had a variety of memories with him. But I remember sayings he would say, and how he would make me laugh. It was probably the first time I had ever really had to face the concept of someone being there...and then not being there. How can someone not exist anymore?

Back when I was in middle school, a good friend of my brother's died at the age of 17, Tyler Davis. I remember seeing him around, but when I saw how shattered my brothers were about it, I was heart broken.

When I was in elementary school, my cousin Stephenie died when she was 20 after coming home from a year long mission trip. I was too young to really understand that loss, but seeing my aunt and uncle respond to such a tragedy, I learned how to cope better with loss. I was able to gain strength from seeing such a God-given strength in them.

And everytime I think of someone dying I think of my Grandpa John. He died of being sick and old--and I guess that is an expected thing. I just loved my Grandpa so much. Whenever someone dies, I just imagine Grandpa sitting up there in his rocking chair looking down on me telling me, it'll be okay--that its not so bad up there. I always think about him and if he would be proud of me, and what he would say about my life and decisions I made. I can't wait to see him again.

Its just different. I can look at some deaths and see strength and the love that people showed in horrible circumstances. and then others I just see tragedy.

It changes my perspective on a lot of things. I feel like Satan really wants to literally kill us, and take away all purpose we have at life. So everytime I see someone die like that...I think "He won." and then I have to remember that Jesus defeated death, and that we have that power in us. We have the power to fight against the death the devil is trying to condemn us to.
It makes me so desperate to share the truth of Jesus, because I can't just sit by and watch my friends die in uncertainty.

This is scattered, and not well thought out--and the tears are making me tired and nauseous--so I'm going to sleep.

But its hard to put on a normal happy face, when you have such a tragedy effecting your heart.

love and blessings,
jesus gives me hope

-Rachel