Sunday, November 29, 2009

just ignore the heartbreaker

So I feel like the coolest person ever because I am laying in my bed typing this blog. I am so excited to have a laptop! ahhhhhhh haha
it just makes me sad how short lived excitements usually are. Like in a couple months...maybe even weeks...i'll have lost the novelty of having a laptop and i'll just get used to it and expect it. i guess that applies to life too, huh? haha

i'm sick of that too...i used to be the girl who got tired of the boys and left them heartbroken. i was the heartbreaker...which i hated and loved about myself. I don't like hurting people, but at the same time I like having that power over the whole "you hurt because im gone" thing....and ughh that sounds horrible...but idk i think everyone has some of that.
because i mean it sucks to be broken up with and see the other person just move on and start dating someone else right away because you feel like they didnt even miss you or wish you were there--or hurt because of your absence. i feel like my tables have turned. no longer am i hurting others, but i am getting hurt over and over again. i'm really sick of just being a fling...but sometimes you cant even tell if something is a fling until you're already involved in it. hindsight is 20/20 i guess.

its not even like im getting broken up with repeatedly...but even if something is mutual, i hate being ignored. ughhh that kills me more than anything in the entire world. maybe i'm so narcissistic that i interpret everything as me being ignored or i'm so needy that i have to have the affirmation of others--but i just HATE it when someone ignores me. if someone doesn't initiate or carry on a conversation, if someone barely responds when you ask them someone, when someone just continually blows you off or puts you on the back burner. i feel like it goes along with being inconsiderate. i just dont like it when people stop talking to me--that hurts and i dont like hurt. that could just be a normal human thing, but i feel like it impacts me more than others. i have started to take things so personally. i just want to be wanted! i dont want to be someone you can walk all over.

errrr and its even worse when someone ignores you and treats you like you don't matter but you see them and your heart jumps a little and its like FRESH PAIN. like the reality of it sinks in. just that feeling in your chest that makes you want to cry or something! i dont like other people having that ability to toy with my emotions when i'm not constantly dwelling on the situation--or i just have to continually remind myself not to dwell on it.

i dont think i do a very good job of convincing anyone reading my blog that im over this recent "turn over." maybe its more a thing where i'm convincing myself. its not even like i really miss him--i just kinda miss that excitement that arose when things were starting to look promising--and i dont like the feeling of my hope being crushed. i feel stupid--and i just dont want to look stupid. the last thing i want to be is pathetic and stupid--but i feel like i do JUST that.
ironic, huh?

oh well--im tired
i'll let this invisible blog world go.
i think i like this better bc no one comments haha (dont get me wrong-comments are appreciated), because its not like i have to perform for anyone--i dont want to encourage someone or set myself up for some encouragement--i'm just letting my brain go and letting out some steam. i highly recommend it. it feels really good to just talk and let my thoughts go--but im definitely not one to put thoughts in a journal and save it so no one can read it--because i have to feel like i'm talking to someone or reaching someone--not just pretend.
i hope thats not a life reflective thing. i'd prefer not to live only while others are watching--i need a little balance hahah

okay, well goodnight :]

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