Sunday, November 22, 2009

Tired of Acting Strong

By creating a blog, I feel like I'm just trying to find another way to fit in and follow the crowd, but I can assure you that is not the case. I just like writing and I like expressing myself and I figure its easier and maybe more "mature" to do so on a blog rather than on a facebook note or myspace blog or xanga--ALL of which I have been heavily involved with in the past. (I still am a facebook fan...but that is mainly for stalking purposes rather than expression.)

I wish I could be one of those cool people in a movie who sits in their New York City loft by the window with their laptop typing up their genius thoughts or conclusions (you know the part of the movie where the person is like "Well I guess I was wrong, Diary, things DID end up okay...just not the way I expected them to be...they were better") into the void of the internet where thousands are impacted by my words and have their entire universes altered just from reading my profound thoughts. However, I understand this is something I will pretty much be writing for myself, and more than likely my mom, who will use my blog as a means of finding out whats going on in my world. haha

I don't know, World, life is crazy. I'm trying not to be restless, and I'm trying just to BE where I am, but it is pretty hard when I feel like I have nothing to hold onto. Friendships, Relationships, Jobs, People, Classes--everything just feels like its changing all the time. I feel like I'm involved in stuff, but I haven't been in a place where I have THRIVED in a long time. Like I enjoy my friendships and I like my job, and I like being on the youth staff, and I feel like God is working in me...but then I get distracted by something or I don't have time to fully commit to anything or I just give up or think the worst. I hate making mistakes, and I hate feeling like I'm constantly living up to attain something I cannot have. It makes me just want to die inside and give up, because there is no way I can possibly be good enough to make it to where I want to be. Like I can dream and dream and dream and yet never see anything come to fruition, or have someone shut me down. I just feel like I'm fighting to fit a mold I can't see--I know I don't fit, but I don't know what I can do TO fit. I have friends, but I don't even feel like any of my friendships are as close as they used to be--I have maybe one friend I can really talk to about anything--and that friendship is up and down all the time anyway, so its never even stable. I'm just sick of every conversation with a friend either being shallow, a counseling session, a catch-up-on-life, or a dealing-with-an-issue talk. I just want to BE and have friends that know exactly where I'm at and where I've been and what I go through and can encourage me. Someone to lift me and tell me I'm going to be okay and help me pursue my dreams. Like the other day someone jokingly made a stab at some issue I really struggle with and it just hurt so bad. I just wish I could have people who encourage me to do better rather than just deal or put up with me. I have no idea why I'm being so open on the internet right except for the fact that I feel like no one has gotten to HEAR me for a long time. I've always had to have an answer or a solution or a "this-will-fix-it!" and I've always been able to draw the line and put my feelings into a box so I can understand them and explain them to others, but right now I feel so lost or confused or just tired of living this monotonous unfulfilling life. I mean don't get me wrong--I enjoy my time. I can have fun--I'm not just sinking in my self-pity and depression, but its like I've had this weight on the back of my neck for so long and I've been trying to push it back and deny its existence but I just can't. I just need to let out some pent up feelings.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life! I feel an enormous pressure to make decisions or have answers that I don't have, and I never thought I would be that person who could not decide what to do with their life. People say I don't have to decide right now...but I kind of do! I need to decide what I want to do so I can decide which school to go to and then decide when I want to do things..and even what courses I should take NOW so I don't have to make stuff up later. Right now the only thing I can fall back on is "I'm going to get my Associates Degree and then go from there." My options right now are I could go to CCCC for 1 year, or 2 years, and transfer to another school and then do a YWAM DTS. or I could get my Associates then do a DTS then go to school. Or I could get my Associates go to CFNI go to school then do a DTS...or I am not even sure why I'm so set on this Associates thing? I mean I've heard the whole "wherever you are, be all there" thing...but it is hard to "be all here" when so much of HERE depends on wherever I might be down the road. I can never be just HERE. I have to consider everything. I can't start something just to end it. It hurts too much, and I don't know whether things are worth risking the pain of leaving them or not. I just don't know. I just want to DO something. I'm restless and I see all my friends off at school making friends and having adventures and just looking like they're having the time of their lives..and I'm stuck here. at home, no plans for leaving, no real solid friendships, nothing I'm real passionate about, and just nothing.

I just feel so unsuitable for anything. I can't handle relationships. I'm not strong enough to resist temptation and that's a pretty big personal let down to me, because I really thought I was. I don't feel good enough for the type of person I need, and I don't trust myself. I wish I could go back a little over a year ago and just stop myself...and tell myself how things would be. If I could erase the last year from my life i would. I think it would be worth it...even any good thing that happened--I think it'd be worth it to me to just erase it as if it never happened. That kills me. I'm 18, almost 19 and I already feel like I've blown it.

I love song writing. I feel like that's the biggest passion I have, but I don't play any instruments, and I can't sing all that great. I just WISH I could have someone just step in and beg to help me, because I am so tired of always striving. I want to learn to play guitar so I can have chords for my songs, but with taking 16 hours at school, working 30 hours a week, 6 hours a week at church, having any social life, and trying to find time to spend with my dog--who I am constantly being nagged about--I don't know how I can. I just want to give up and hide inside my little shell and sleep. Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself I sleep a lot more--because its not like I have any reason to stay up late. Its like I just want to sleep so my days will go by faster so I can get through the next couple of years or months or weeks faster. I just can't do it anymore. I'm young!! I'm supposed to have all the time in the world--I want to do things now that I can't do later. I want to just experience life. I just want to be out on my own...just me, and I want to be excited about something that will LAST. something I thrive in and I won't fall apart in. I want to be apart of something where I feel like I am crucial to it happening. I'm not one to just run with the crowd--I want to be the one who is leading it up...but I feel so unable to do anything great right now. I'm just in this rough patch and I yearn for something more.

I want someone to need me and to want me. Even just on a level of someone wanting to be my friend. Like it may sound trivial, but it kinda sucks to go from having someone to talk to all the time to not getting a single text from anyone other than my mom all day. I'm just lonely and I feel useless and I want to be USED. I don't like feeling like I'm old I've out grown my purpose. I just want to be worth something to someone. and I hate that!! ughhh I hate being this pathetic and pitiful and disgusting...but I don't know at what point I draw the line? At what point am I supposed to ACT strong and when do I actually BECOME strong. I'm so weak. I just want to be able to stand without falling--thats my biggest desire. I just don't know how I can. I mean I can be REALLY strong in a lot of areas...but I have one area I am consistently weak in, and I don't even know how to heal. I thought I was set free from some stuff. I guess I thought being set free meant I wouldn't be tempted anymore--and let my assure you that is not the case. Its not like I feel like i made a mistake so hardcore that my walk with God is slipping away, but I feel like I'm just such an idiot and I have to walk on eggshells. I distrust all relationships now. I don't think I can ever do it.

Hm. Well this is really personal. I probably should NOT post this online...but since when do I listen to reason? Of course I'll post it. I just spent quite a long time writing all of this out, so it'd be pretty lame not to post it. Well if anyone reads this--know that I'm not usually like this. Right now, my brain is just in a pessimistic funk and this post was me NOT trying to fight it at all, and just letting myself be depressed. Sorry there was so resolution--maybe next time :]


1 comment:

  1. I just want to say thank you. This is personal, raw and that is inspiring to me. I feel like I can totally relate to this in my life and I'm thankful for that. God is going to do amazing things for you on your YWAM DTS! I wish you the very best.