Sunday, October 23, 2011

She will not fall...

So much for the regular updates, eh?
Life has changed a lot since I wrote my last blog.
I went to Orlando for 3 months, got a boyfriend, and now I have an almost full time office job back in Texas. It is incredible how quickly things change. I feel like my heart is in the process of catching up to my head and body. I am moving and doing and being active, and yet sometimes I feel like my heart is left behind, almost being dragged along by my impulsive nature.

I think I've been in a process of self-discovery. Which I guess you could say life itself is a time of self-discovery. At least for me--I process and analyze and try to figure out why I do the things I do. I try to put myself in a box so I can understand who I really am...and yet sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in a box. As soon as I put myself in a box, I'm scrambling to get out of it. I don't like narrowing down who I am and what I am about. Give me some generalities--and that's good enough for me.

Biggest thing I've had to walk through lately is coming to terms with my identity. Realizing that I need to just embrace being undefined...just to allow myself to BE and not attempt to preform to fit into other people's ideas of who or what I should become. I've wasted a lot of time and effort wanting to be the perfect friend, the perfect leader, the perfect Christian, and perfect daughter. I've wanted to be wanted and desired by everyone. I tried to be a chameleon and fit in with whoever I was with...and I've disappointed myself and others over and over. Turns out not everyone wants me to be the same person. Turns out I can't keep up the charade 24/7. And cramming myself into these boxes, just makes me feel claustrophobic...and I end up frantically trying to escape the box and I end up in a mess. Mistakes left and right. Questionable decisions causing me to constantly feel like I have to explain myself to everyone.

I went to YWAM for my School of Ministry Development, and realized that who I have become is someone wanting to make a change in the world, and yet struggling to get past these fears of rejection, Not wanting to be a disappointment, Hoping I get everyone's stamp of approval, and feeling lost when I don't have it. Now coming back home, I'm feeling lost...I'm feeling unsteady and yet I am holding onto the hope that I know Christ has given me. I am His and His alone. I belong to no one other than Him. I do not care what people throw at me. Sticks and stones, my friends. I have a Father who protects the ones he loves...and it turns out that He really loves me. And the opinions of others need not have a hold on me.

A few months ago, I had this moment with the Lord. One of my top encounters ever. I was outside of my house at YWAM on the phone with Corey...and I just got really emotional. I had to get off the phone and just spend time with the Lord right there on the drive way. I was just overwhelmed. We had a teacher come and he had briefly made a point...and it ended up sticking with me very deeply. He talked about reputation and character.

Reputation-- Who everyone says you are.
Character-- Who God knows you are when no ones looking.

I realized I had been living life attempting to be something great and I had put my reputation over my character. I wanted everyone to think I was something more than I really wanted to be it before God. I was brought to a place of deep deep heartfelt sorrow. I was just weeping. Literally on my knees just bawling...right on my driveway. I was saying "God I am so sorry. I am not a woman of noble character. I've valued the opinions of others more than I've valued yours. Please Please help me." I very clearly heard God speak a couple things to me in that moment.
1. He told me that I've asked him to help me do better and I've asked him to forgive me when I do wrong, but I've never asked him to change me. To make me totally new. ---I spent time then just asking God to change my heart.
2. I heard him say "A woman of noble character who can find? I have found you." I told him...No, no God...I'm not that woman. I want to be so desperately, but I am not who you think I am. Then he told me "Character is found on your knees. You are learning to submit to me. Humble yourself before me and I will lift you up. Character is not something you are born with, it is something you develop--you are in the developing process."

Can I tell you that it does something to you to hear God speak? To be at your lowest low and to hear God tell you that you are being made into something beautiful?
I'm still in this process. I am learning, ever so painfully, my need to submit to my Almighty God. Even writing this blog is stirring my heart to be in a reverent love and awe of my Creator. I don't need to look and be the same way I used to be. I don't need to fit into a mold...I can rest and be at peace knowing that my God loves me, and he is creating something new in my spirit. Ripping apart deep rooted bondage that's held my back for much of my teenage/adult life.

I am about living life to the full. I don't care to sit back and watch others live their lives, nor do I want to live the life others tell me to live! So I am standing confidently (though with fear and trepidation) saying that my life is about more than measuring up to a standard other than the one God has set before me, and I will not settle for life that is content just fitting in and getting by.

"Therefore we will not fear,
though the earth give way...
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day."
-Psalm 46

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