Sometimes the most important lessons you will ever learn happen through pain and sacrifice. Right now I feel more humbled than I ever have in my entire life. I've gone through extreme emotional highs and lows during this DTS. I've felt blessed beyond measure, and excited about the potential of my future, and at my absolute worst crying over every simple comment.
Through this all, God has shown me that its easy for me to turn to other people to be my rock and my safeplace. To feel confused and to ask someone with wisdom, rather than just ask God himself. I believed God could comfort me and give me peace, but I would rather have a tangible presence solve all the problems in the world. God has shown me that it is okay to just cry in his presence. To be real with him and let him know that I'm mad, or I'm upset, or I feel helpless and hopeless...but I can still be obedient in the midst of my frustration. If I tell God what I think--he can correct my views and really solve the problem. He's the one with all the answers.
My heart feels like I have nothing left in me. I've learned that true humility requires sacrifice. The laying down of "rights" and desires in order that God may be glorified. God's best can't be the best unless its done God's way...in his timing.
I realize I try to control God. I try to control others based on what my feelings are. I can't control everything. When things are outside of my control I get angry, I feel depressed, I get so frustrated and I work myself up. I can't change people's opinions just because I can justify things in my own mind. All I can really do is trust God to show himself strong through people and circumstances. I can't just make stuff happen. I have to prove it. I have to be diligent and stand by my word and my convictions. What good am I if I can't be obedient. God just really showed me that I've never really done something I just didn't want to do without being forced to do it.
Think about it--how many times have you really gone against your own will and flesh? I'm sitting here just praying to God that my own will hasn't been all wrong. That I haven't been ignoring the voice of God about this whole thing. Yes, I know I've missed the mark--but you keep on going. You trust in God to speak to you despite your will being pulled apart. Its funny that in my first week of DTS, I asked God to break my will...but never until now have I really felt it just fall to pieces.
The cards are on the table.
God is good. He holds me to my word. He tests my submission, obedience, willingness, and pride because He wants me to grow closer to him...
So I just gotta learn to fall into his arms instead of pull away.