this is it

Well I am sitting at Saxby's by the fireplace drinking a Sugar Free, Non-fat Chai Latte feeling like I'm the coolest kid in the world behind my laptop.
Maybe I just look nerdy, but maybe its really the nerdy people that are the coolest?
I think there is a strong possibility. OH and I'm listening to Maroon 5. Some people might think that would ruin this beautiful experience, but I would disagree. I love them. Adam, the lead singer, has an amazing voice and I like how unique they are.

I'm about to head to the mvmnt and i'm pretty stoked about that. I could use some refreshment. I just feel so burdened and heavy laden lately. I'm just in a funk...but I feel like I'm on my way out. Its something I gotta work through myself and it doesnt mean something is wrong with me, or that something needs to happen to fix it all...its something where I just gotta find my way.
I feel bad because people are trying to help me... like my parents are trying to be all encouraging and stuff, but I always react negatively to that because I view it as pity...and I don't like being pitied. (i just looked out the window and realized i parked in the middle of two spots...wowwww)

Life happens. Bad things happen and no one can avoid it. and no, i don't have all the answers or solutions, and i dont even know where to go from here...but im working on figuring it out. i feel like God is really wanting me to DO something with the passions in my heart. something PRODUCTIVE. I want to find someone to teach my guitar over christmas break...and no, i dont want my dad to teach me or to teach myself from a book--so sorry, dad...thats not going to cut it for me (:]).... i want to write songs. thats it. i dont want to do something that might make me more money or something that has more job opportunities. I want to write songs...and until I make a break I can do random odd jobs, who knows. I dont want to work when I get married anyway. I want to write songs and teach kids to write songs. Like i think being a music teacher would be fun...but something specific to song writing. I want to help people make their songs come to life...because I dont feel like anyone has done that for me and thats all i've ever really wanted.

so i gotta start somewhere,and i think guitar is a good start. judge me or not.
thats what i want to do
i might try a dts, or cfni, or just a good christian college. i am not exactly sure yet. but either way i'm going to be at CCCC next semester and I plan to be home this summer... next fall is uncertain, but who knows...i may be here, and thats okay with me... if i can be doing SOMETHING i'll be okay.

thats alllll :]

"If I've let on that I've lost all hope,
I apologize I just don't know where to go,
If I did I'd be there now"
-Martyr by The Canvas Waiting